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All You Need Is Now

My latest assignment was a paper about the creation of hope. Some papers are a drag to get through but I enjoyed this one. Still, I am easily distracted. I took a break to fold some laundry and I was singing and dancing to “All You Need is Now” by Duran, Duran. I had a smile on my face and I suddenly pictured Patrick dancing with me. I don’t think things like this are random. I know that not everyone agrees but I get a lot of comfort from the thought that he is with me.

Later I listened to the song over and over and it was exactly what I needed. I have not felt a lot of hope lately. I’m very in tune with my feelings and I’ve been consciously struggling with depression. Things don’t always work out the way that I hope, and I spend way too much time analyzing them. I know what is causing my depression and I also know the things I need to do to get out of it, but I am stubborn, so I’ve been resisting a little more than I should have been. My foot hurts and I know if I go to the gym it will be painful, but I need to exercise. I took a walk instead and it did improve my mood.

The song was a reminder of the life I have had. I have to take those happy memories and propel them forward because I know I will be happy again. I had the most unimaginable thing happen to me and the way that I am getting through it is creating purpose in my life. I am hoping that my pain will make me a more empathetic and compassionate counselor. I am hoping that sharing my story will bring hope to someone who is just beginning their grief journey.

I’m not going to lie, the fact that Patrick is dead sucks! I’ve cried and screamed out loud, ate whatever I want, bought whatever I want, done whatever I want, and it still sucks. I know that I could let that be my story, but I think I owe it to him to have the best possible life that I can. Living my life to the fullest and doing something that would make him proud is going to give both of our lives meaning.

Some people quote bible verses but I am more likely to quote the lyrics from an 80’s song, or any song really. I look for purpose and meaning wherever I can find it. To me, “All You Need is Now” can be interpreted in a lot of ways. The song invites me to live in the moment, take one day at a time and live like there is no tomorrow.

One of the verses is “Everybody’s gunning for the VIP section. But you’re better up and running in another direction”. I hear that and it reminds me that we all have dreams. Some of us may fulfill them. Others will head down a different path and find something completely amazing there.

Mainly this song just reminds me of all the happy times we had. I’m not sure if we were dancing in the picture below but this picture and the others remind me of those early days. Thinking about them makes me smile and gives me hope that I will have wonderful times in the future.

All You Need is Now

By Duran Duran

It’s all up to you now

Find yourself in the moment

Go directly to the voodoo

Now the channel is open

Lose your head

Lose control

You come on delicate and fine

Like a diamond in the mind

Oh whoa, yeah

When you move into the light

You’re the greatest thing alive

Oh whoa

And you sway in the moon

The way you did

When you were younger

When we told everybody

All you need is now

Stay with the music let it

Play a little longer

You don’t need anybody

All you need is now

Everybody’s gunning

For the VIP section

But you’re better up and running

In another direction

With your bones in the thrall

Throw a shadow on the vine

Bat your lashes let it shine

Oh whoa, yeah

Every moment that arrives

You’re the greatest thing alive

Oh whoa

And you sway in the moon

The way you did

When you were younger

And we told everybody

All you need is now

Stay with the music let it

Play a little longer

You don’t need anybody

All you need is now

All you need, all you need is now

All you need, all you need is now

All you need, all you need is now

… and we will

Sway in the moon

The way we did

When we were younger

(When we were younger)

When we told everybody

All you need is now

Stay with the music let it

Play a little longer

(A little longer)

We don’t need anybody

All you need is now

All you need, all you need is now

All you need, all you need is now

All you need, all you need is now

All you need, all you need is now

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Trauma

Traumatic experiences never really leave you. I tend to downplay this since it’s not a pleasant topic. I survive by filing it away and controlling the amount of time I spend thinking about it. Usually this works.

My class assignment this week was on Crisis Counseling. Almost every week I have to write a research paper. I have to find references to support what I write about. Sometimes this is easy and other times it’s like pulling teeth. Last week I found 10-15 articles to pull from. This week I had the bare minimum of 3.

Sometimes I will find articles that aren’t relevant to my current assignment but I save them for future reference. I am interested in grief and trauma counseling so I have saved a lot of those. This week I found one on a program in Washington DC that provides crisis support and bereavement counseling for families who arrive at the morgue to identify someone who died suddenly from homicide, suicide, or accidents. This sounded similar to the Village of Support concept that I have talked about so I was eager to read it.

To clarify, I did not have to identify Patrick and did not see him until the funeral home had prepared him for viewing. I didn’t go through the process discussed in the article but as I read it, I still found myself back in that viewing room at the funeral home with my legs crumbling beneath me. I’ve told this story before. I realize I did not have to see him. This is a deeply personal decision, and for me, it was important to have that closure.

I was escorted into the room and I honestly can’t remember who was with me. I know it was one or all of my siblings. My Dad followed and as I sank to the floor he was suddenly there to hold me up. For some reason all I could say was, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”. I was telling Patrick that I was sorry that this happened to him but I know it was also an expression of my grief. They had him on a table, and this was somehow easier than seeing him in the casket. His skin felt soft, yet cold. His wedding band had a scrape on it when it was returned to me so I had to check his hand and there was an injury but it didn’t look bad. He looked peaceful but it wasn’t him. He had never looked like that in life. I knew he was gone.

There were many moments of trauma that I relive. The moment I saw the breaking news alert with the words fatal and bicycle jumping out at me. The phone call to tell Sierra. Being handed his watch and wedding band. Seeing him at the funeral home, then taking the girls in to see him (their choice). These memories aren’t endless, and they pop up less frequently now, but usually I’m caught a little off guard.

Yesterday, I was headed to an early morning appointment with my counselor. I got to Shaw and Locan, and BOOM, it was that day again. I wished i could go back to that exact moment, when I thought I was driving to find my husband walking his bike with a flat tire. One of the last moments before my life changed.

Today, as part of my interview to become a court appointed special advocate for foster children, I had to describe a traumatic experience and how I had gotten through it. The interviewer was aware of my background and made it clear that I didn’t need to discuss that experience. The thing is, I’m okay talking about it and it gets easier every time. I was able to recount all of the love and support I had that day and explain that my gratitude for that is the reason I am doing many of the things I am doing with my life.

Tonight, I read a comment from a widow/widower forum. A widower explained that a friend told him he needed to tell the story of his wife’s death more than 300 times. This suggestion came from a book by Kathryn Mannix, titled With the End in Mind. The author explains this by saying;

Bereaved people, even those who have witnessed the apparently peaceful death of a loved one, often need to tell their story repeatedly, and that is an important part of transferring the experience they endured into a memory, instead of reliving it like a parallel reality every time they think about it.

We need to be more comfortable talking about death. We will all lose someone and we will all die. It’s okay to acknowledge that. Tell your story, listen to mine. Each time it will get a little easier.

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He kept things running

I am finally free from the boot! Now I am learning to use my foot again. I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay to walk normally. I declined physical therapy, for now at least. Basically I just need to use it and exercise. But, I miss my in-house physical therapist. 💔

I realize more and more all of the little things I took for granted. I have done some silly things lately. If he were around I can imagine him telling these stories at work. I would expect him to. Silly mistakes were fair game in this house!

The Sprinklers – “Danell bought the “smart” sprinkler timer. If it’s so smart, why didn’t it know she accidentally turned it off in October and didn’t water the lawn for two months?”

The Thermostat – “If it’s so “smart” why does it need batteries?” Batteries died and I froze for two days before figuring it out!

The Air Filters – I can’t think of a joke he would make about this but I’m sure he would think of one! I was so happy the first time I changed them because he had a new set in the garage, AND I took a picture of them so I would know what to buy the next time. The date stamp says this was in July of 2016. I didn’t think about them again until last week when my sister was helping my mom change hers. Air filters? Oh yeah, that’s a thing! Oops!

Today I finally put all of the Christmas stuff away. It is all stored in the Harry Potter room under the stairs that he made by cutting a door in the wall. Last year I carefully fit it in while humming the Tetris music. If I ever complained about the dishwasher being too full or no room in a cabinet he would remind me that I loved Tetris and he would start humming the song. I usually didn’t laugh… I laugh now though and he would be proud of how I fit everything into that closet, especially since some of the boxes need to be held up while you shove other ones beneath them. This is not easy since the door is about 3 feet tall! I had to wait until the boot was off to finish this for obvious reasons.

I also finished organizing at least part of the garage so I could reinstall the fence system he designed to keep Aggie from running out when the door opened. I’ve been meaning to do it for months so Maisie could use the dog doors. It made me smile putting it up, knowing he had created it.

And I finally took down the work boots and shirt that hung just inside the door. The work boots are worn and probably need to be thrown out. The shirt I will probably save. So many memories of my big, strong husband wearing it while he took care of the yard and so many other things.

Life gets easier as time goes by. I’m trying to carry on like he would want me to. But I have a newfound appreciation for all he did. And it makes me miss him even more. He was one of a kind!

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My heart is a little broken

I have never been one to put personal drama on Facebook so it’s kind of ironic that my blog gets so personal. I stand behind my commitment to keep this raw and real so here goes… my heart has been broken. I realize it was pretty fragile to begin with and that I am a little dramatic, but right now there’s a new scar.

I’m sure this probably won’t be the last time my heart is broken either. And, to be fair, it wasn’t anything major or dramatic. I’m not even 100% sure that it is completely over. This uncertainty makes me feel like a teenager, but dating in 2018 is very hard to grasp. It can be very impersonal at times and I feel like I am not very good at it.

I’ve mentioned that every dating setback kind of opens up a wound for me. This isn’t really fair to anyone I’m dating but it’s part of my baggage. I’m alone because I was widowed. When things don’t work out with someone I’m dating, I am always reminded that I wouldn’t be going through this if THAT had not happened.

I also tend to question whether I should even hope to be lucky in love again. I experienced great love. Do you get that more than once?

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and I still am. And, just like I want to repay the acts of kindness that were done for me, it makes me happy that I might be able to give another guy the opportunity to experience the love that I did. I think I am pretty good at relationships. Most recent guy might disagree but he never really got to experience that. I think I could make the right guy very, very happy.

I even question how I react to difficult dating situations because, if I feel I am experiencing hurt or rejection, I start getting behind my protective barriers that got me through losing Patrick. This experience is allowing me to learn a lot about myself and hopefully I won’t make the same mistakes again.

Part of me just wants to burrow under the covers in my bed and live the rest of my life with the happy memories of my marriage. But that’s not really living, is it? So, I will put myself out there again, be a little vulnerable and see what happens. As I always say, I’ve already experienced the worst thing that could happen to me so what could it hurt?

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Cherish

Last year I started a tradition of choosing a word for the year. For 2017 I chose patience. I think it was a really good word to choose and it was applicable to a lot of different parts of my life. A few times it reminded me to slow down and not rush into things. But I still need more patience so I may need to work on that one for the rest of my life! For 2018 I wanted a clean slate.

I thought it would take a lot of time to choose a word. I set aside some time to think about it and the word cherish just came to me within a few minutes. I think I’ve used this in my blog previously but not as my word of the year. I like that it has several meanings and a lot of synonyms!

Cherish means to protect and care for (someone) lovingly. I especially like this word because it makes me think of how Patrick cared for the girls and I. Anytime I drove somewhere without him he would tell me to “drive safe” because I was “precious cargo”. When we became parents he expanded this to include the girls. I also used this word to explain to one of my daughters that I hoped for her to find a man who would cherish her because she deserved nothing less.

Cherish also means to hold (something) dear. This makes me think of all the memories and traditions associated with Patrick. I will always cherish them!

The last definition I found is to keep (a hope or ambition) in one’s mind. This one reminds me of the goals and plans that I have for my life and the importance of fulfilling them.

For 2018 I want to remember to cherish everything in my life. Although I have experienced a profound loss I also have a lot to be grateful for and I want to cherish that. If I am cherishing life I feel that I am acknowledging that it is precious and I need to enjoy every bit of it, including everyone who is part of my life.

I also want to be cherished. This may seem like a no-brainer. However, when you are alone and lonely, it’s not always the first thing you think of. I know I am cherished by friends and family. I have felt the constant love surrounding me since that awful day last year. But I am also beginning to realize that this will be one of the qualities I look for as I date. I want to find someone that I cherish who also cherishes me. I realize that it will be very easy for me to settle for less than that and I want to remember that it’s important that I don’t.

Finally, I want to cherish who I am and what I do in my life. I need to have a meaningful life! I’m still thinking about my Village of Support idea but the timing hasn’t been right for me. So I will focus on other things I can do.

I like picking a word of the year because it will remind me to check in with my goals regularly. Feel free to share your “word of the year” in the comments!

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If I’m being honest…

Since Patrick died I have frequently been told how strong I am. I was always puzzled by this because I’ve never felt particularly strong. Recently I’ve been looking at it from a different angle and I think that I haven’t been completely honest.

I have always had a need for people around me to be happy and free from conflicts. Family tensions upset me so I’ve always been the peacemaker when needed. Grief is uncomfortable and awkward. I don’t like making people uncomfortable or sad. So I’ve probably suppressed some of my feelings. I’m not saying that I have all these feelings stuck inside, I do allow them to come out occasionally. But it is on my terms and usually when I’m alone.

I don’t know if the way I handle grief is good, bad, or normal. It’s just what I do and what has worked for me. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out why it works because there seem to be a lot of people who haven’t found a good way of dealing with their grief. I’m not saying that is bad. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I just don’t like people to be sad and I always want to cheer them up.

This is particularly noticeable in a Facebook group I belong to. People are at all different stages of grief and sometimes they are very fragile. I kind of tend to visit the group, not so much for comfort, but to provide hope that it does get a little easier. There are other people who play this role too. We try to get people to focus on the little things that make them happy and encourage them to look for joy.

If you want to sit home and cry I can’t stop you and I won’t judge you. I’ve been there. If you feel grief or sadness begin to consume you, do something about it. Do something you enjoy. Go for a walk. Read a book. Call a friend. Do something for someone else. You are always going to miss your loved one. I like to think that they don’t want our lives to end with theirs. Try to find joy and happiness. If you always try, eventually it will just find you.