Alone in a crowd

The hardest things to write are also the easiest. There are many times when I have things to say that I’m afraid to say. So I agonize over them and try to find a way to find something to write that will be “okay”. You see, I don’t want anyone to worry about me. And I don’t want anyone to feel like they need to fix me or take care of me. So, I try to think of an acceptable topic. Or I write something that I have no intention of posting. Occasionally I just decide to go for it and write what I’m really feeling. That’s when it becomes easy because I have no trouble expressing myself when I’m being honest.

I am really lonely. I’m not alone at all. I spend a lot of time with my kids. I spent a ton of time with family today and I had a great time. I just miss having someone to share my heart with. For some reason I don’t think everyone gets this? Maybe what I had with Patrick was unique but I really don’t think so. I just had this subconscious feeling of love and security. Certainly a lot of that had to do with Patrick but some of it just comes from being in a committed relationship. I guess that I’ve had that for so long that it’s hard to function without it.

I don’t want to jump into a relationship because I’m “lonely” or I “need” someone. But it sure is hard to wait! When I first started dating I thought being a widow would almost be an asset. I know that sounds awful but I am someone who knows how to stay in a long-term, committed relationship. A lot of the people who are dating at my age have been in multiple relationships. I’m not saying that I’m better than them but I didn’t realize that it might be a barrier. Apparently it’s very intimidating.

I grew up believing in fairy tale love stories. I’m a romantic at heart. I’ve spent a lot of time this month watching the sappy Christmas love stories on the Hallmark channel. I’ve always believed in “true love” and “soul mates”. Honestly, prior to now, I might have questioned someone in my situation who could seemingly forget about their true love and move on to someone else. I’m here to tell you that it’s not that simple. Yes, I believe that Patrick is in heaven and yes, I believe we will be reunited someday. And if I find someone else I truly believe Patrick will be happy for me. I think that in heaven there is no jealousy and it’s possible to be reunited with more than one true love. And it won’t be awkward because they don’t have that there either!

I know this sounds really corny but I feel strongly that I’m not meant to be alone. I’m not going to be burdened with guilt if I find someone else. If you had asked me this before Patrick died or even right after I’m sure I would have said I could never love anyone else. I really believed that because it fit right in with the whole fairy tale concept of love. Life is not a fairy tale though. Marriages either end in divorce or death. If you think about it, there was never going to be a happy ending. What a downer, right? Most people are going to face something like this one day. You can choose to go with the sad ending or you can make it a part two, a new chapter.

That’s where I’m at right now. I know I will have a part two and I don’t think it will be a solo act. I just need to keep working on patience…