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Alone in a crowd

The hardest things to write are also the easiest. There are many times when I have things to say that I’m afraid to say. So I agonize over them and try to find a way to find something to write that will be “okay”. You see, I don’t want anyone to worry about me. And I don’t want anyone to feel like they need to fix me or take care of me. So, I try to think of an acceptable topic. Or I write something that I have no intention of posting. Occasionally I just decide to go for it and write what I’m really feeling. That’s when it becomes easy because I have no trouble expressing myself when I’m being honest.

I am really lonely. I’m not alone at all. I spend a lot of time with my kids. I spent a ton of time with family today and I had a great time. I just miss having someone to share my heart with. For some reason I don’t think everyone gets this? Maybe what I had with Patrick was unique but I really don’t think so. I just had this subconscious feeling of love and security. Certainly a lot of that had to do with Patrick but some of it just comes from being in a committed relationship. I guess that I’ve had that for so long that it’s hard to function without it.

I don’t want to jump into a relationship because I’m “lonely” or I “need” someone. But it sure is hard to wait! When I first started dating I thought being a widow would almost be an asset. I know that sounds awful but I am someone who knows how to stay in a long-term, committed relationship. A lot of the people who are dating at my age have been in multiple relationships. I’m not saying that I’m better than them but I didn’t realize that it might be a barrier. Apparently it’s very intimidating.

I grew up believing in fairy tale love stories. I’m a romantic at heart. I’ve spent a lot of time this month watching the sappy Christmas love stories on the Hallmark channel. I’ve always believed in “true love” and “soul mates”. Honestly, prior to now, I might have questioned someone in my situation who could seemingly forget about their true love and move on to someone else. I’m here to tell you that it’s not that simple. Yes, I believe that Patrick is in heaven and yes, I believe we will be reunited someday. And if I find someone else I truly believe Patrick will be happy for me. I think that in heaven there is no jealousy and it’s possible to be reunited with more than one true love. And it won’t be awkward because they don’t have that there either!

I know this sounds really corny but I feel strongly that I’m not meant to be alone. I’m not going to be burdened with guilt if I find someone else. If you had asked me this before Patrick died or even right after I’m sure I would have said I could never love anyone else. I really believed that because it fit right in with the whole fairy tale concept of love. Life is not a fairy tale though. Marriages either end in divorce or death. If you think about it, there was never going to be a happy ending. What a downer, right? Most people are going to face something like this one day. You can choose to go with the sad ending or you can make it a part two, a new chapter.

That’s where I’m at right now. I know I will have a part two and I don’t think it will be a solo act. I just need to keep working on patience…

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Christmas Morning

My family has a tradition of spending the night at my sister’s house every other Christmas Eve. Last year I was grateful that our first Christmas without Patrick coincided with that tradition. This year was our first Christmas morning without Patrick. I tried not to make a fuss because I didn’t want everyone hovering or checking on us. I knew we would be okay.

This Christmas was filled with old traditions and new. Since shopping was a little more challenging due to my broken ankle, I put the girls in charge of buying stocking stuffers for each other and they also bought some for me. I wasn’t surprised when I found out that Sierra actually did all of the shopping! We opened presents then had our usual cinnamon rolls. Later we went to Notre Dame hall for the annual Prandini Christmas get together. As usual, the raviolis were delicious!

Last year it was really hard being there without him but it was easier this year. Matt had Patrick’s bus running and brought it for everyone to see. The girls and I sat in it for a few minutes and then Zio Matt let Camille drive it. Her Dad would have been really happy about that. It was a good day.

I’m keeping this short since it’s late but I wanted to let everyone know that we had a good day. We thought of Patrick and smiled. He’s always in our hearts!

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A Bit More Closure

Today was the final court appearance regarding the collision that caused Patrick’s death. The defendant completed the diversion program with negative drug tests. He did everything that was required, so he was released. We don’t have to like it. We don’t have to agree that it was adequate. I am relieved that it is over. I chose not to attend. I am grateful that my brother Denny and sister Dawan agreed to be there to represent Patrick. I know it was hard for them. I am also grateful that Denny wrote an eloquent letter for the judge. We know it didn’t make a difference but we just wanted it on the record.

I will move forward knowing that I will not be getting any more calls updating me on the case. No matter how much progress I make, those always had a way of pulling me back so it does bring me a measure of peace to put this behind us.

Here is a link to the post about the sentencing hearing that occurred in February.

https://www.danellt9.com/2017/02/16/a-bit-of-closure-2-16-17/

Denny’s Letter

The Honorable Ralph Nunez

Fresno County Superior Court

Judge Nunez,

We understand that today you will decide whether the defendant has successfully completed his sentence of a court-ordered drug diversion program in the case that stemmed from the death of Patrick John teNyenhuis.

As a family, we have mixed feelings of the news that the defendant may be released.

Justice for Patrick has been hard to find in this case, not through any errors of the court, but for the simple and terrible truth that as a society we don’t have an adequate punishment when the selfish act of one person costs another his life.

This was not an accidental death. The defendant made a series of choices and committed a series of deliberate acts that ended Patrick’s life. No punishment for the defendant can change what he has done, or give us back what he took from us.

Our best hope is that if the defendant is released from his treatment today, he never harms another family as he harmed ours.

With that hope in mind, we ask that you read him this letter, and this plea from us.

“You have been given something that you took from Patrick, from his wife, from his children and from his family. You have been given a chance for a better future. A better future for you, a better future for your children, and a better future for anyone else you would harm if you don’t change your life. We ask that you take the lessons you have learned and remake yourself. You owe that to us. You owe that to Patrick. You owe that to your children. Don’t waste this chance.”

Our combined families wish to thank the Fresno County District Attorney, as well as you and the rest of the staff at the Fresno County Superior Court for your assistance and compassion during this sad time for our families.

Thank you,

The teNyenhuis, Prandini and Boyles families.

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Aftershock

Last night I was working on adding old blog entries and for some reason I didn’t finish the one I was working on, “Facade”, so I added it tonight. The next one is the post about the arrest and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to move that one over. That part has been buried in my memory and I didn’t see any need to dredge it up. Camille got home last night and I was happy to have both my girls home.

Today we went to see the new Star Wars movie. On the way there I got a phone call from a number that I didn’t recognize but looked familiar. I answered and it was the Assistant DA who handled the case. He wanted to update me. Mr. Stubbs, the man who hit and killed Patrick, has been in a residential program. He has a hearing coming up. He has fully complied with the program and his drug tests have all been negative. More than likely he will be released next week and will be home to spend Christmas with his family.

As a future Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor I am hopeful that treatment works. As a human being I am happy that his children might see their father for Christmas. As a Mom…and a widow…. my heart breaks.

Here’s the thing, nothing is going to bring Patrick back. And I have said all along that the only amends Mr. Stubbs could make would be to be a better person. Locking him up would not have changed anything.

As my whole world has changed, and I have been continuing my education, I’m a different person. I believe there needs to be law and order in society. I believe that Mr. Stubbs made poor choices in his life that led to my husband’s death. But I don’t believe he is a murderer. And I do believe that our society has a serious problem with drug and alcohol addiction. And punishment does not cure addiction.

I have so many conflicting emotions right now. I would love more than anything to just wipe this whole part from my memory. My brother told me today that I was stronger than him and I’m not sure that is true. I just file away all those feelings that I don’t want to deal with. I function pretty well. And I am truly happy most of the time. But you can’t avoid the aftershocks.

I’m allowing myself a few tears tonight. I don’t think I will go to the hearing. My presence will not change anything. I’ve already said what I needed to say. I’m going to focus on my girls, Christmas, and moving forward with my life. I truly hope he has learned something from this and will dedicate his life to doing something positive. But I’m going to follow the advice my brother gave me today, “I wouldn’t give him any more free rent in your head. He’s either going to change or go to jail, we can’t choose.”

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Let There Be Joy

And the birthday celebration continues! I just got back from an awesome trip to Disneyland with my best friend Shelly, her daughter Abby, and Sierra. I know, Cathy is my best friend. Fortunately I have enough love for two best friends!

I don’t see Shelly as often now but we worked together at Aetna for 24 years. I was sitting next to Dave when he proposed to Shelly. I rode the party bus to Vegas for their wedding, we both had daughters in 1999 and she suggested the name Camille for my daughter. We’ve had a lot of fun together over the years!

She was also here to support me the day Patrick died. In fact, when she arrived it lightened the mood when I introduced her to someone as my best friend and then looked up to see Cathy looking right at me. It’s been an ongoing joke since then. For the record, Shelly has several other best friends too!

Shelly’s birthday is one week after mine so my original plan was to celebrate my birthday at Disneyland with her. Then I planned my party and I just decided I could have more than one celebration. I usually don’t make a big deal out of it but I have to admit it’s been fun!

When I broke my ankle it almost derailed the trip but I ended up renting a scooter and we went anyway. Shelly brought decorations for my scooter and Abby made sure we both had Happy Birthday buttons. So we spent several days being greeted with “Happy Birthday!!” We also got two special desserts! Zoom in to see the Christmas lights and sign on my scooter!

Shelly and Abby are what I would call Disney Superfans! They knew the best way to go through each park and were a lot of fun! The scooter was a bit of a hassle but I would have been miserable any other way.

I can’t get over the contrast between holidays last year and this year. I know that grief is different for everyone, but for me, time has helped. I still miss Patrick and think of him every day but I also give myself permission to feel joy. And, aside from the pain of a broken ankle, this has been a pretty joyous few weeks for me. Last year I felt like I was constantly holding in the tears and I don’t feel that way anymore.

Sometimes I will suddenly remember something and it will be a little jolt. I’ll be honest, when that happens it would be really easy to just curl up in a ball and cry. I know that no one would fault me. I didn’t choose for this to happen but I can choose how I go forward and I choose as much love, laughter, and joy as I can find. I will still allow myself occasional tears or pity parties but I don’t want to live like that all of the time.

The holidays are a great time of year so let there be joy! I think we could all use some!

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Impatience

Dating sucks! It sucks because I can’t write about it! It sucks because I feel like I don’t know how to do it! But mainly it sucks because I shouldn’t have any reason to be dating! I did the dating thing. I chose well. I shouldn’t be alone.

I guess I’m having a pity party. And honestly I don’t really even have a reason to. I didn’t really have a bad experience or anything. I just feel like a teenager and it seems like this should be easier at age 50. I hate it so much that maybe I should just be single.

My word of 2017 is patience and I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to carry it in to 2018. Is that allowed? I wanted to find Mr. Right without having to play the ridiculous dating games. I don’t want to kiss a lot of frogs! I’m impatient!

At work we had to create a development plan every year. I never liked spending a lot of time on it because after a while my true goal was to have a dream job fall into my lap or to become independently wealthy and never have to work again. Who cares about developing at a job that you don’t want to be at anymore? So a lot of times I would carry goals forward. I always put time management on there because no matter who you are, there are always better ways to manage your time. So maybe I will have to carry patience into 2018 because I definitely haven’t learned it.

People who are dating at my age have more than likely spent some time being single. They may not want to be alone but a lot of them seem pretty set in their routine. And more than once i have wondered why some of them are even dating when they have difficulty finding time to actually spend with you. Maybe they are out dating other people?

When Patrick and I were dating we were always trying to find ways to spend time together. Most of the time we were in different cities. There were no cell phones, no email. It was snail mail or long distance phone calls. We did both. Maybe it is actually SO easy to stay in touch now that we take it for granted. And not just in dating. I know there are people I should reach out to more often. But reaching out takes no effort at all and I always plan to “do it tomorrow”. And then tomorrow I plan to do it the next day… Sometimes I send a text when I know a call would mean more. My point is that it is so easy to just assume someone will be there whenever you decide to contact them.

I don’t plan to be single forever. And I hate writing that because I truly am not advertising for a date! But I have to let some of my frustration out and this is how I do it. I guess I just thought the whole process would be easier.

I think I am just going stir crazy since I have somewhat limited mobility and I can’t drive. The good news is that I am getting out of the house for a few days and going to the happiest place on earth, where I will ride an electric scooter around, enjoy time with my daughter and friends and forget about the dating games! I will try to learn some patience but I hear the scooter will let me cut to the front of at least some of the rides, so yeah, instant gratification.

Ok, this pity party is over. Disneyland, here we come!