Happy with brief sprinkles of grief

Most days I am generally happy. I am focused on school and usually have other things going on too. Grieving is kind of at a new stage. I don’t really cry but lately there have been surprisingly sharp bursts of grief.

A few days ago I pulled into my garage after working out and my eyes fixed on a few items hanging by the door. One of them is the red and white striped shirt he wore while doing yard work. There is also the goofy hat he liked to wear, his well-worn work boots, a rain suit for cycling and a number of other things. I just can’t bring myself to move them. So I sat in my car for a few minutes and it just sunk in a little bit more that he’s never coming home. I didn’t linger in the car for long but I wasn’t expecting the flood of emotions.

On Halloween I was baking Papa Murphys pizza. I had one stuffed crust and one thin crust. They bake at different temperatures for different lengths of time. Patrick had a formula worked out so that he cooked them together for part of the time. I felt that I really needed those instructions. I was sure he had texted them to me at some point so I decided to look through texts. Most of our text conversations were pretty mundane but there were lots of “I love you’s” interspersed with “get beer” or “get me a Diet Pepsi”.  Sometimes the mundane stuff is the most painful to remember. I made it through a few months worth of texts and just decided I would figure out the pizza on my own. I think it came out fine. I finally remembered just now that the instructions were in the notes on my phone. The “formula” was quite simple, bake both pizzas at 400 but start the stuffed crust 10 minutes prior to the regular crust. 

When I wrote the post about the jacuzzi I was looking for pictures of the original gazebo. I had the idea to look through sent mail and I found pictures that Patrick had sent to family when we first bought the house. I also found a treasure trove of other sent mail. Patrick and I shared an email address. He used it when he needed it but rarely checked it. Some of the emails are probably only funny if you know Patrick and the person he was emailing. Many of them, including the one below, are kind of offensive. I apologize if it offends anyone. I think his point was that it was a non-event. I find it hilarious that he actually sent an email about this!

I still have several years worth of sent emails to go through. I’m glad that there are still little surprises to find. Patrick’s humor continues to keep me smiling!