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Getting through the holidays

Although I am kind of sidelined right now, I am more excited for Christmas than I was last year. Last year I didn’t always want to celebrate in ways that I would have with Patrick. I kind of made some BIG plans and they really helped me get through. But I know the things I did may not be feasible for everyone so I’m going to share what I did with some alternatives thrown in.

CHANGE IT UP

I started my escape from holidays on Father’s Day 2016. Mother’s Day came 18 days after Patrick died and it was really hard for me. So on Father’s Day I ran away. Really I took the girls and went to Universal Studios and Hollywood. I splurged a little on VIP passes but if you took a day trip it could be doable. If you can’t face the usual holiday activities, change it up a bit. Go somewhere you normally wouldn’t go. The novelty is distracting.

TAKE THE FAMILY SOMEWHERE NEW

On Thanksgiving I rented a place big enough for 30 people, filled it with his family and mine and we had a really good time. Going away together for a holiday was great. We all still missed him but we enjoyed being together and away from it all. We could have rented smaller houses or even hotel rooms. The point is, we were at a place where we would not be haunted by memories and we were together.

DON’T GIVE UP ON ALL OF YOUR TRADITIONS

Christmas was hard. We didn’t want to deviate too much from the norm. So, we did some of our usual activities. And they were made easier because the loss was acknowledged. The year before, Patrick had started a new tradition of buying a Christmas tree that was still tied up and “unfurling” it at home. We were happy to continue this tradition. And since he created it for us, it kind of felt like he was there! Luckily our first Christmas without Patrick happened to be the year that my family spends Christmas Eve at my sister’s house for one big sleepover. I was comforted by the familiar and didn’t wake up to a too empty house on Christmas morning. Christmas Day we also stuck with the Prandini tradition of gathering at a hall and enjoying raviolis together. I’ll admit, this one was hard. But I knew that everyone there was grieving, and not just for Patrick since we had also lost Barbara and Zio Angelo. Cathy ended up joining me there and that also helped.

IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY

I don’t remember exactly what I did on New Year’s Eve but I think I stayed home and I really wanted to be alone. I wasn’t ready to see other people get kisses at midnight. I wasn’t moping and crying, I just didn’t subject myself to that.

DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU

My final advice is to just do what is best for you and your family. If you’re not the only one hurting you may occasionally have to make hard choices to accommodate everyone, but outside of that circle, don’t worry what others think. Everyone handles grief differently and there’s no right or wrong way.

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Cheers to 50 years!

I almost made it to age 50 without ever breaking a bone. When I think about it, that’s actually kind of a miracle because I’m really a klutz! At least I made it through my party before it happened!

I’m turning 50 on December 1st. I guess I like birthdays alright but I never really felt like I “had” to have a party. This is a milestone though and I wanted to think of a way to commemorate it. So I decided I wanted to spend it at Disneyland. I love Disneyland and Patrick really didn’t like it as much as I did. So I planned for Sierra and I to go with my friend Shelly and her daughter Abby. I made reservations and we were all set!

Then Sierra reminded me that she is taking the LSAT on December 2nd! So, going to Disneyland right before that? Probably not a good idea. So we had to move it back a week.

In the meantime we went to a Halloween party thrown by Pamela Henri. I get massages at her house and she has this awesome barn with a stage and all. An 80’s cover band played at the party and as I danced I decided that this was how I wanted to spend my birthday. I knew it was a little extravagant but I also knew it would be a blast. So I planned a 50th Birthday Bash!

Everyone felt bad that I was planning my own party but I enjoyed doing it. And honestly, everyone else did most of the work on the day of the party. We had Luna’s Italian food, an awesome dessert bar and plenty of beer and wine. I got semi dressed up and felt stylish in my high heels, which I don’t wear very often!

I danced the night away! And although I danced a little enthusiastically and might have taken my daughters down in a collision with the stage (and Pamela, who was singing), no one was injured! At the end of the night I was driven home and walked upstairs to take off my heels and put my not-so-stylish Croc slippers on. On the way back down my foot slipped and pain shot through my ankle. I was fairly drunk at the time so the fact that I felt any pain made me realize it was not good.

I put ice on it and wrapped it but didn’t get much sleep. I went to urgent care today and an X-ray confirmed that I had a fracture.

And of course I miss my physical therapist! Cathy took me to urgent care and picked up crutches for me afterward. She helped me get settled at home and Sierra will help me too. But it’s not the same. There’s no one else that I would ask to pull me up off the toilet or really any of the undignified things about being injured. I know he would have made jokes about it all but that’s part of the reason this makes me miss him! We got through many situations with humor!

I’m told that a break is an easier recuperation than a bad sprain so hopefully it won’t be too bad. And it’s not like there is any shortage of PTs among family and good friends, but I miss MY PT.

I am glad that it happened after the party. I had so much fun celebrating with family and friends! It made me so happy to be around so many people I love for a happy occasion! I have a lot to be thankful for! I’ll try to focus on that instead of my foot! Lol

PS. Here are a few toasts from the party!

Sierra’s Toast

Dawan, Denise, & Dad

Cathy’s Toast

Mom teNyenhuis

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God knew we needed to be friends

Some friends are just meant to be in your life. Cathy (Stebles) Lamb has been my friend since 5th grade. We have had some really good times together. And in the last 19 months we have had some really bad times.

We met at Dry Creek Elementary in 1977. She had been there since kindergarten and I ended up there in fifth grade after a large boundary transfer. We met doing track and cross country there but really didn’t become good friends until Junior High. At Clark Intermediate, we met up with Latrese Johnson and Teresa Guajardo and we were close through high school. They were all better runners than me but I guess I kept up enough to get to know them all well as we logged hundreds of miles over the years.

Below – We met in 1977 and here we are in our track picture, side by side!

And here we are in 7th grade, 1979.

Below – Cathy leading the pack at Clovis High while I brought up the rear!

At Clovis High School our arrival began 4 years of Valley Championships. Cathy was one of the better runners on the team and I was usually there as the 6th or 7th runner, ready to step up if someone else had a bad day. Being on the team allowed us to spend a lot of time together and we had fun traveling to different meets. During high school Cathy and I dated two separate pairs of best friends, neither of which turned out to be our future husbands, lol.

Below- Various team pictures, always next to each other!

In college we lost touch somewhat initially but ended up living together for two years. She was by far the easiest roommate I had, which was a relief since I didn’t want rooming together to mess with our friendship. After that I moved out of town for three years while I started my short-lived teaching career. When I came back we stayed in touch fairly well until we both became moms within a few months of each other. She had Michael the month before Sierra was born. Matthew was born in between Sierra and Camille.

With Michael and Sierra

With Michael and Sierra

Above – Latrese, Cathy, and I, singing karaoke at our 15 year reunion.

As the kids grew up we both got busy with their activities. Since she had boys and I had girls our lives kind of went separate directions but we still kept in touch over the years. Four or five years ago, Mike told Cathy that we should really reconnect. He knew we were good friends and I think he must also have really good intuition, we needed to rekindle our close friendship.

Over the years Cathy had remained active and stayed in great shape. I had not. I wanted to lose weight and she committed to helping me. We began walking just about every night. Friends or not, that is a lot of time to give up! And, a lot of times she was running in the morning and walking with me in the evening!Over the next year or so I walked off 45 pounds and Cathy and I became really close again. The long walks gave us time to talk and we usually vented about our days or helped each other work through problems. I finally got to know her boys a little better and my girls started fighting over who loved Cathy more!

Below – A trip to the coast and a walk on the beach in May 2014.

Below – In 2015 at my nephew Dominic’s graduation.

On April 19, 2016 Cathy and I met at Mickey’s yogurt to enjoy some oatmeal cookie gelato (our favorite). We had no idea that our lives were about to change forever.

The next day, Cathy was one of the first people I texted. When my text appeared incoherent she called me and then left work and came straight to my house. For the first few weeks she was either asleep or at my house. She was mourning too but she was my constant companion, helping me in any way that she could. I honestly struggle to put into words exactly how good of a friend she is, but especially during my darkest days. She was my rock.

In the fall, she was with me and the rest of the family as we began going to court and sitting through that whole experience. On November 18th I had a clumsy fall and she went with me to urgent care the next day to make sure nothing was broken. Early that evening she called and said, “Denise just called and said I need to go to my parents house”. Initially I was confused because we both have sisters named Denise and my Denise regularly calls Cathy. I finally understood that the Highway Patrol had contacted her brother-in-law, a CHP officer, and told them that they needed to go to her parents house. She said she would call once she got there. I waited about 5 minutes and then decided I better head there too. She called when I was half way there, her voice broke as she said, “It’s not ok”. I told her I was almost there and she warned me that I would need to get past police cars. I had no idea what was going on. My heart was racing as I explained that I needed to be with my friend. Luckily they didn’t try to stop me. I saw her Mom through the window when I walked up to the door so I knew she was ok and it was clear that something had happened to her Dad, Ron. He was simply getting the mail and was hit by a speeding car while walking back across the street. Like Patrick, he died instantly.

The last 19 months have been rough. It was a cruel twist of fate that we both had to experience such sudden, tragic losses. But I think it was divine intervention that brought us together forty years ago. God knew we would need each other, and especially in 2016. I’m hoping there are no additional cruel surprises for us and I am forever thankful for my best friend. ❤️❤️❤️

Below – At the Cher concert in February 2017.

Above – At Camille’s graduation, May 2017.

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Floorball

Yesterday I was on Facebook and noticed the Fresno Floorball Club’s post about their league championship game last night. I saw that Hand of Doom was in the championship and I was pretty sure my nephew, Connor, played on that team. I texted him to confirm and while I was waiting I looked through photos.

Patrick started playing floorball many years ago, probably 10 or more. He usually played every Tuesday. He would come home sore and tired and tell me how awful he was. He did seem to enjoy it. I went and watched him a handful of times and then I just didn’t. It’s one of those things I wish I had done more.

After Patrick died I found a post on the floorball page talking about losing him and it was very touching. I also heard from multiple sources that he was a great teammate and they loved playing with him. In typical Patrick style, he had downplayed his value to the team.

As I was looking through the photos I came across the group shot from his Team championship. I noticed that it was posted on April 15th and I realized that it could very well be that last photo that was ever taken while he was alive. (I suspect there might be other last photos and hopefully I will never have to see them). I walked in to show Sierra and her eyes teared up. I had thought all along that the concert photos were the last pictures.

As I thought about it more I remembered that his birthday was on a Wednesday, which meant that the 15th would have fallen on a Friday. Floorball games were on Tuesdays. I searched more and finally determined that the picture was taken on the 12th and was not the last picture. Then I felt bad for making Sierra cry. I realized that it might have been more upsetting because I thought the last picture was of him and the girls. I mentioned this to her and she said, “No mom, the last picture is him standing there copying the Paul McCartney poster.” I remembered the photo and I’ve posted it on here before. Here it is again. I think if he had to choose a last photo, this might have been the one. 😂😂

I did end up going to the championship game. Patrick’s Team, Physiomotion, was playing for 3rd place when I arrived. I watched the end of their game and then said hello to a few of the guys. I didn’t know them that well but I was happy to meet them. Unfortunately Hand of Doom lost the championship but I was still glad I went. It’s always good to visit places where he spent time.

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A visit with Camille

This week I got to visit Camille for the first time since dropping her off. I took my mom to Elk Grove for minor surgery (it went well) and we got to take Camille to dinner and visit her dorm. I was so excited to see her and I could tell she was happy that we were there. As we sat next to each other at dinner she snuggled up against me. Still the strong, independent, college student but forever my baby girl.

I’m not sure if we ever went six weeks without seeing Sierra because she always had a car at school and came home frequently. We were excited to see her every single time. Patrick, Camille, and I would anxiously wait for her and check the door every time we thought it might be her. Our house would seem whole once she arrived.  One of the hardest parts of the day Patrick died, was being away from Sierra. When she finally arrived, hours later, the three of us hugged each other and sobbed. We really haven’t liked being apart since then.

Yesterday, Camille took the train home for her first visit, almost seven weeks after we dropped her off. She texted us multiple times during the trip and Sierra was also very excited. When we got to the train station I kept refreshing Find My Friends so that I could see her getting closer and closer. When the train finally pulled in, she texted that she had seen us. We looked across the crowd and when Sierra finally saw her, she handed her phone to me and ran to hug her. As they pulled apart they both wiped tears from their eyes. I am so happy that they love each other so much.

Camille is the same, yet different. She seems mature and confident and has been studying all day today. She has made a lot of friends and introduced me to a few when I visited. I know it hasn’t been easy for her to be away. She shared with me that one of the hardest parts is that no one knows about her Dad. This is always hard when you meet someone new. The fact that you’ve lost someone who was part of you is such a huge part of your identity but it’s not something you want to just blurt out. It’s always good when it comes up in conversations.

I can’t help but imagine what this weekend would be like if Patrick were still here. We both would have been so excited and happy to see her and we would have talked about how proud we are of both of the girls. It reminded me of the weekend Sierra surprised us. He had just finished a rough week and he was so happy to see her. We always agreed that it was so nice knowing the whole family was home. This weekend I’m experiencing that wonderful feeling of having both girls home. I just wish he was here too.

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Happy with brief sprinkles of grief

Most days I am generally happy. I am focused on school and usually have other things going on too. Grieving is kind of at a new stage. I don’t really cry but lately there have been surprisingly sharp bursts of grief.

A few days ago I pulled into my garage after working out and my eyes fixed on a few items hanging by the door. One of them is the red and white striped shirt he wore while doing yard work. There is also the goofy hat he liked to wear, his well-worn work boots, a rain suit for cycling and a number of other things. I just can’t bring myself to move them. So I sat in my car for a few minutes and it just sunk in a little bit more that he’s never coming home. I didn’t linger in the car for long but I wasn’t expecting the flood of emotions.

On Halloween I was baking Papa Murphys pizza. I had one stuffed crust and one thin crust. They bake at different temperatures for different lengths of time. Patrick had a formula worked out so that he cooked them together for part of the time. I felt that I really needed those instructions. I was sure he had texted them to me at some point so I decided to look through texts. Most of our text conversations were pretty mundane but there were lots of “I love you’s” interspersed with “get beer” or “get me a Diet Pepsi”.  Sometimes the mundane stuff is the most painful to remember. I made it through a few months worth of texts and just decided I would figure out the pizza on my own. I think it came out fine. I finally remembered just now that the instructions were in the notes on my phone. The “formula” was quite simple, bake both pizzas at 400 but start the stuffed crust 10 minutes prior to the regular crust. 

When I wrote the post about the jacuzzi I was looking for pictures of the original gazebo. I had the idea to look through sent mail and I found pictures that Patrick had sent to family when we first bought the house. I also found a treasure trove of other sent mail. Patrick and I shared an email address. He used it when he needed it but rarely checked it. Some of the emails are probably only funny if you know Patrick and the person he was emailing. Many of them, including the one below, are kind of offensive. I apologize if it offends anyone. I think his point was that it was a non-event. I find it hilarious that he actually sent an email about this!

I still have several years worth of sent emails to go through. I’m glad that there are still little surprises to find. Patrick’s humor continues to keep me smiling!