One half of a whole

As I walked my dog a few days ago, I found myself checking my left hand for my ring. I’m sure many of you do the same thing. I wore that ring for 26 years or so and I’m not sure how long it will take to get used to not wearing it. My first thought was maybe I should just put it back on? And I imagined how comfortable and reassuring it would feel. But I realize that it is not the ring I am missing. I miss being one half of a whole. I miss my other half and I miss everything that he meant.

I try not to be a helpless female. I want to be independent and handle things myself. But there are just so many decisions to make and things to do. Perhaps if I had been single all this time I would be more accustomed to finding someone to fix the fence or clean the solar panels. The funny thing is, I know that all I need to do is pick up the phone and make a few calls. Really it’s more of just a mental block, that and just the fact that I know I would not have to worry about it if Patrick were around. And it’s another thing I was blissfully unaware of when he was.

I’ve kind of been in a funk. And yeah, it may have something to do with the whole dating thing! LOL I really do not like doing this. And I don’t really want to write about it but it IS a big part of my story. So I’ll give you the watered down version. I don’t want to be like Taylor Swift and write about every ex…WAIT! Maybe I do! Just kidding! There may be guys out there who, like me, are single despite being capable of being in a relationship. Maybe they are also widowed, or truly never met the right person. But I suspect a lot of them have issues that make relationships difficult. I kind of dated a guy for a few weeks. I say “kind of” because I only really saw him twice. I’m truly not sure of what the issue was but he just could not seem to find room in his life to date. I think he wanted to and he seemed to be interested but he was so used to being alone that he just couldn’t figure out how to share his time. I was convinced that I was going to use my years of experience and teach him how to make it work. And I actually experienced quite a bit of frustration when plans were canceled or never made. We agreed mutually that it wasn’t going to work out.

I’ve talked to a few other guys casually and a few nights ago I realized that I was already thinking of how I was going to “fix” a guy to get used to finding time to date someone. I’m sure this has a lot to do with my counseling courses but either way I need to stop it now. At this age I’m not going to change someone so I just need to be patient and find someone who doesn’t need to be changed. 

And now I’m sick with my usual sinus thing that will probably turn into bronchitis. And I hate being sick because it interferes with working out. But it has made me realize that there is no reason to rush this dating thing. If the right person is out there, it will happen. So I’m taking some NyQuil and trying to get some rest!