Writing has been the best therapy I could ever ask for. So many nights I have written all of the pain away and even written into happiness. I will continue to do that as much as possible. However, there are some things that I just can’t write about and it’s really frustrating.
One of my biggest social media pet peeves is the “Cryptic Post”. As a Christian, if someone asks for prayers for something private that they are going through, I have to respect that. And I guess it’s okay but still a little cryptic. The ones that drive me crazy are the ones that say things like “be careful who you trust because I just got burned” or “someone I love is hurting and I wish I could help”. Honestly, I can’t even think of the ones that really drive me crazy. If you ever see one on my page, be forewarned, I’m probably messing with you! I’ve thought of elaborate cryptic posts I could make that turn out to be something mundane. I’ve also planned elaborate fights with a friend or relative that could play out for the audience on Facebook and then be revealed as a hoax. I know, I have a secret evil side! I will be fair and say that maybe not everyone is intending to be cryptic, but, if I am really your friend why would you put me through worrying about if you are okay or not?
My point is that I don’t like to make cryptic posts so if I can’t write about something, I don’t try to write about it without really saying anything. So, I haven’t been able to write about some of the things that my kids have said, or have written, or have gone through. Sometimes it is okay to share their stories and sometimes they are just too personal. But this is their life too and it is not my right to blast everything onto the internet. I probably share too much as it is but if I’m worried that they will be uncomfortable, I ask first and sometimes they do say no.
I also choose not to write about the really intimate details of my life with Patrick. I’ve thought about it but some things deserve to be private. Plus, my kids do read this and they REALLY don’t want to read about that. Suffice it to say that I could probably write a really great story and I have a lot of wonderful memories that are now mine alone.
And now I am venturing into the dating world and that brings a whole new set of complications. I think it would be really creepy if I wrote about someone without their knowledge and then they read it later. I also would not like writing about someone and then end up not dating them for long. So, I may eventually write something, but for now, if I am quiet and don’t post much, that may be why.
What I can say is that opening myself up to talking to men and dating has been very interesting. My first few heart to heart conversations ended up having surprising emotional effects for me. And, I am very out of practice so sometimes it is downright frustrating. When I get frustrated, I get sad. When I get sad, I think about Patrick. So then I go visit him and tell him it’s all his fault that I’m dating and I wouldn’t have to do it if he were still here! Then I cry a little bit. And I always feel his love while I am there and leave feeling better.
Inevitably when men find out I am widowed, I get THE question. Are you sure you are ready for this? And my answer is always yes. Sure, it’s hard at times, but I am 100% confident that Patrick would be okay with this. I imagine him as my partner in this dating experience, trying to guide me in the right direction and always cheering me on. Don’t get me wrong, there hasn’t been a lot of men and only two actual face to face meetings. So, I am in the early stages here. But I’m sure it’s going to be an interesting time for me. Ready or not, I will experience emotions and I may not always expect them. And in some ways I may take a step backward in my grief process because being around someone new will remind me that Patrick is missing. Hopefully, I will find someone that will understand and be comfortable with that. But I probably won’t be able to tell you about that. At least not at first.