Every once in a while I give in and feel a little sorry for myself. I’m excited about retiring, going to school, and having many other positives in my life. But, I still want that other life back! It probably wasn’t as perfect as I make it out to be. I know I wasn’t blissfully happy every minute of every day, but I was comfortable, secure and loved. It’s hard stepping out of my comfort zone.
In my last post I mentioned my little recurring film clip. There are also places that trigger memories. There is a spot on Fowler, just South of Gettysburg, where Patrick’s bus broke down on the way home from the shop. The mechanic came and towed it back in. I picked Patrick up from that spot and every time I drive by I picture him standing there. I’ve picked him up by the side of the road many times over the years. I wasn’t sure why this one stood out and then I remembered that it happened on Monday and he died on Wednesday. So it’s one of my last memories. I’m sure he got in the car, leaned over to give me a kiss, and said, “Thanks Babe!” I actually gave him several rides that week and that was unusual so it’s a blessing that I had that extra time with him. I wish I could remember every bit of every conversation. I don’t think we talked about anything profound. That night we probably talked about the soccer awards dinner we were heading to. Sometimes it’s the little mundane things that I miss the most.
When I drive down Shaw, past Sunnyside, I imagine his bus parked in his usual spot at the old SJVR office next to BCs Pizza. How many times did I stop there on my way to work to drop off the phone he had forgotten at home? Sometimes I would stop there to pick him up on the way to a sporting event. It was always nicer to ride together.
His memory is everywhere but as time goes by I feel that I’ve lost some of my memories. He always had a better memory than I did and I think of questions I want to ask him every day. My current class is a little more scientific than the others and I would love it if I could ask him to explain some concepts to me. I’m not even sure if he ever studied neurotransmission but he could probably read a blurb in a textbook and make it easier for me to grasp.
When I have bad days or any kind of disappointment really, I always wish for that life. I’m not sure if it’s normal but anything negative in my life now turns into part of my grief. Something completely unrelated will happen and next thing I know, I’m at the cemetery, or driving down Shaw, to pass “the spot” and let out my pain.
My grief is probably more private now. I have to keep my shields up so I can function but I am also a little grateful when something upsets me because I know that I need that regular release that I get when I let go and feel.
I really don’t want to post this because it seems dark and sad and that is not how my life is. This is just part of the process. Letting the feelings out. Dealing with them. I really don’t think I will ever be 100% pain free again. I will always miss him. But, I will continue to embrace life and enjoy the years I have left! I know he would want me to.