I guess it's painfully obvious that I am not always strong when I post at 4:00 AM. I've been due for a good cry for quite a while now. I've learned to stuff it in really well but eventually it will find it's way out.
The girls and I have had a wonderful summer and I knew I would feel a little empty when I came home from Hawaii. It's hard to be sad when you're in paradise, but I like living near my family so I knew I would have to go back home. To the life that I never asked for…
Don't get me wrong, I know that there are wonderful things about my life. I am surrounded by people who love me and I have awesome kids. But I don't have my soul mate. And I don't know if you ever get used to that.
I couldn't sleep tonight so I started watching Steam Donkey videos and that brought on the waterworks! It felt good to sob silently. Since Patrick died I've had more nights with a roommate than without. Sierra spent the first few weeks to a month with me and then Denise was with me off and on. Camille moved into my room in December while she was cleaning her room and that took eight months! They are all welcome any time but I think it is good to have some nights alone too. I need to allow myself to not be strong occasionally. I loved Patrick so much so I'm not sure why I think I could ever hold those feelings in.
I started with the Blackbird video because I will always think of that as a love letter from Patrick. There's a permanent link in my blog but here it is again. Blackbird
After a few individual videos I started watching videos of the band. I got to watch Patrick improve his banjo skills over 25 years. Admittedly I did not always enjoy listening! In fact I loved that our house had a sunroom with a door that could be closed to mute the sound but it still felt like he was close. Over the years his banjo playing got better and so did his voice. At the end I genuinely enjoyed watching him play. My second favorite video is a cover of Peace, Love and Understanding. I like this one because he talks at the beginning and he was a funny guy! But I also love the way he played it. For years he had one basic sound that seemed to work for most songs. But this song was different because he actually picked out the notes individually and I know it was hard for him to learn how to do this. I think meeting and playing with Abdul took him to this level and I will be forever grateful that he got to experience this! I know he had a blast being in the band and playing the banjo brought him great joy.
Peace, Love, and Understanding
The audio portion was used in the video at his memorial service and it was great. In fact the Blackbird video was in the video too. Memorial video
I share all of this because it helps me to get the feelings out. Losing him was hard but going forward without him is even harder. The only way I know how to do that is to just bury it all deep inside of me most of the time. I also realize that's not healthy so I do try to give myself a break once in a while and that's what tonight is. Maybe I will sleep now? Hopefully I will wake up refreshed and a little less sad. It has gotten easier with time. Please don't worry, I will get through this!