Sometimes I Forget

When you have spent 30 years of your life with someone it’s as if they are part of you. It’s been almost 15 months and I still can’t get used to Patrick being gone. I was sitting here working on a paper and I had a grammar question. My first thought was that I would ask Patrick. My mind just went there and it seemed as if my subconscious doesn’t realize he is gone. Of course I remembered immediately but for half a second I forgot that I am a widow and I experienced that familiar comfort that was my prior life.

I now follow several grief blogs and I belong to a few online grief groups. I read other people’s stories all the time. I find comfort communicating with other people who understand. All of the group members grieve differently and it makes you realize that there is not “one way” to do it. I think I am still fighting the unconscious feeling that I am expected to be cured of grief at some point. In my everyday life I don’t really allow myself to express the full depth of what I am feeling. Part of the reason is to protect those who love me but it’s also to protect myself. I still remember the day he died, I went in my bedroom a few times to change clothes, use the restroom or just get away for a minute. Each time I went in there I would look at my bed and think about how easy it would be to just curl up in there and never get out. I really wanted to do that but I knew that I just couldn’t because I was truly afraid that I wouldn’t get up again.

I still have times that I feel like that. We had a great time in Catalina last week but it was hard to come home. Before I left I found out that Patrick’s headstone was almost finished so I was anticipating that it would be installed soon. The cemetery received it last week but they told me it will be another 4 to 6 weeks before it’s installed. I have been warned that it will be hard to see it the first time. I’ve seen a photo but I guess it is different when it is actually there. I guess I am a little anxious about it but I also think it will be another kind of closure. If it makes me cry that will probably be a good thing because I don’t think I do enough of that.

It’s really hard to write about being sad and missing Patrick. I want to make people smile and laugh. I want to be strong but I also want to be honest. I miss Patrick every single day but some days are harder. I can honestly say that it has gotten better. I really do have a decent life and a lot of reasons to be grateful. But at the end of the day I am faced with the prospect of spending the rest of my life without him. I don’t think I will ever get used to that.