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Milestones

Monday marked the one year anniversary of my blog. I'm happy to celebrate something that has been so therapeutic for me! I enjoy writing the blog because it keeps Patrick's memory alive.

Bereaved people often comment that one of the hardest things they experience is never hearing their loved ones name. People are afraid to bring it up, don't know what to say or just don't think about it. Some of them comment that they have been told they should be "over it". I'm happy to say that no one has ever told me that but I did have a few times when I felt people weren't mentioning him to protect me. Thankfully most people know that his name can be mentioned in my presence.

The blog is also a way for me to see that I am doing better. I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was a year ago. That gives me hope that it will continue to get easier.

This week we went to orientation at UC Davis. Camille was a little nervous and, of course, I'm a little anxious about sending her off to college. But I am so excited for the opportunities she will have! I really enjoyed hearing about all of the programs they have and I can't wait to see all that she does!

Of course Patrick was on my mind the whole time. He would have been so proud and excited! We had a chance to meet some of the Biology professors and I just listened but I'm sure he would have asked a lot of scientific questions! Sierra was with me in the family sessions which was nice. There were some individual parents but plenty of couples and I think it would have been hard to be alone.

On the way there I couldn't help but remember all of my drives to Stockton and how excited I always was to see Patrick. This is going to sound odd but part of me wanted to go to UOP and look for him. I think it's just my mind's way of showing disbelief that he is gone. We took I-5 so we could see the tower in the distance. I thought about taking the girls there but that's not what our trip was about and I wasn't sure if I could handle it.

Instead I just smiled at the memories and enjoyed the time with the girls. I know he was there in spirit, beaming with pride!

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Five months later – 9/21/16

This was originally posted on 9/21/16. Transferring from the old blog! 😊

Yesterday marked five months without Patrick. In many ways it feels like yesterday. I find it odd to think about all of the things that have changed. I’ve made little changes such as rearranging things in the kitchen cabinets, moving the wine rack and putting up pictures. I don’t want to erase him from memory but somehow these little changes seem to help.

Grief is a much longer and harder process than I ever imagined. I’m not sure why that is so surprising to me. I have had experience with tragic situations in the past but nothing that I was this close to. And no one talks about it. We just all assume that it is easy to move on, that people adjust to their new reality and the unpleasant grief goes away. So far, that has not been my experience.

Right after Patrick died a friend shared a Facebook group called Widows Hope with me. The first few times I saw posts I almost deleted it because it was SO sad and did NOT make me feel hopeful. “It’s been two years and I still cry every day,” or “It’s been five years but it seems like it was yesterday”. As time went on I did start to see more hopeful posts but I also came to realize that this is a place where people can bare their souls without worrying about upsetting others and sometimes when you are grieving you really need that!

I appreciate everyone’s kind thoughts and comments each time I post something but I don’t want you to always be sad for me. I am not writing this as a cry for help or attention. This is really just my way of healing and hopefully in the process sharing that it is okay to grieve.

I don’t want this to be the end of my story. I have a lot of life ahead of me and I hope that there comes a time when my loss is not the first thing people think of when they see me. I don’t want anyone to forget Patrick or assume that I have but I look forward to a time when the emotions are not so raw and painful. I love you all! Thank you for helping me on this journey!

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Widows beware

Since Patrick died I have expanded my circle of friends and acquaintances. I have accepted almost every friend request I have gotten and I really feel it has enriched my life to get to know people who knew him from work or school. I try to be somewhat cautious because I think people prey on widows but if I can identify some connection I will accept them.

Social media is a blessing for grieving people. The Option B Facebook groups that were started after the release of the Option B book have been a great place to share thoughts. And it's nice when I can offer advice to someone who is newly bereaved. I've even shared some blog posts on there. So, when I got a Facebook Messenger request from a man who was also in the Option B group I accepted it. I asked him why he was contacting me and he said my profile interested him. I told him right off the bat that I was skeptical but I decided to see what happened. He told me he was also a widow and he had a seven year old daughter. Now if that doesn't pull on your heartstrings…

The conversations were odd and I almost asked him if English was his second language. Our first conversation was very short then the next morning he sent me this message.

"Morning” is a gud time to“Remember” all d sweet things & all swt.persons in ur “Life so Wake Upwith ur “SWEET MEMORIES To See ThisBeautiful Mrng.gd mrng"

Huh??! Very strange! I text very slowly and I don't use a ton of abbreviations. Spelling and grammar errors are very distracting to me. I don't think I could talk to someone who sent messages like this! So I didn't respond. Later he seemed to remember how to type in full sentences so I chatted a bit more. I started noticing inconsistencies between his profile and conversations. The conversation was still mundane so I wasn't too worried but finally I remembered you could do reverse image searches. You guessed it, he was a fake. I was tempted to keep talking just to mess with whoever it was. I was thinking I could tell him a sob story about being broke and make him think I was trying to con him. I KNOW Patrick would have done that! In the end it just seemed like that would be a lot of effort so I just blocked him!

I'm a tiny bit proud of myself that I figured it out so quickly! Part of me wishes I would have played along a little longer to see what the scam was all about. I'm sure that is just Patrick urging me to do what he would do! He loved telemarketing calls. He would try to turn the tables and pretend he was selling something. Or he might randomly ask for the supervisor. I wish I could remember more of the conversations but usually I would cut him off since the calls were interrupting our life. I also usually felt sorry for the person on the other end of the call! I was a spoil sport but he loved to mess with them!

I feel like I am stronger than I used to be and I'm pretty sure I would spot anyone trying to take advantage of me. But, now that I know there really are people who prey on widows, I will be extra careful. Scammers beware, don't mess with me!

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Everything has changed

I was driving today and it occurred to me that every single thing I was wearing has been purchased after Patrick died. This included the watch, the ring on my right hand, and even my purse and phone. Even the car I was driving was purchased "after". Such an odd feeling. I know I look at least a little different too but he would still recognize me. Still, it takes a long time for things to change this much.

In the last week or so I finally got around to taking his name off joint credit accounts. Honestly it wasn't a huge priority for me. I didn't realize that he was the primary cardholder on some of them. A day or two later an Amazon order didn't go through. After finally calling the company I realized that removing his name actually closed the account. I only had a small balance because I use it to get reward points and pay it off each month. I had to listen to a long disclosure explaining how I wasn't responsible for the charges. I finally interrupted to tell them that I just wanted to pay it off and reapply in my name. I guess I have been committing fraud all this time.

I'm still learning new things about being a widow. I probably should have changed everything over a long time ago but I basically did the necessities and then have dealt with others when ready. I am actually lucky in this respect as some widows don't have the luxury of letting things sit like that. For many widows, losing their husband has a terrible financial impact. Those whose spouse had long illnesses have used up any savings to pay for medical bills and loss of income. Many couldn't afford life insurance. I am grateful that Patrick could and it has at least made things a little easier. When the accounts were closed I realized what a bind that could potentially put a widow or widower in if they suddenly lost access to credit accounts.

I decided it would be a good idea to run a free credit report on him. And I COULD NOT remember his social security number! I couldn't believe it! I've had that number memorized for years!! I know it was just a momentary lapse but it was another reminder of how much has changed. Luckily there were no red flags in the credit report.

I'm sure there will continue to be changes but hopefully they can continue to happen gradually. Change can be good but it's also comforting to hold on to some of the familiar.

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Sometimes I Forget

When you have spent 30 years of your life with someone it’s as if they are part of you. It’s been almost 15 months and I still can’t get used to Patrick being gone. I was sitting here working on a paper and I had a grammar question. My first thought was that I would ask Patrick. My mind just went there and it seemed as if my subconscious doesn’t realize he is gone. Of course I remembered immediately but for half a second I forgot that I am a widow and I experienced that familiar comfort that was my prior life.

I now follow several grief blogs and I belong to a few online grief groups. I read other people’s stories all the time. I find comfort communicating with other people who understand. All of the group members grieve differently and it makes you realize that there is not “one way” to do it. I think I am still fighting the unconscious feeling that I am expected to be cured of grief at some point. In my everyday life I don’t really allow myself to express the full depth of what I am feeling. Part of the reason is to protect those who love me but it’s also to protect myself. I still remember the day he died, I went in my bedroom a few times to change clothes, use the restroom or just get away for a minute. Each time I went in there I would look at my bed and think about how easy it would be to just curl up in there and never get out. I really wanted to do that but I knew that I just couldn’t because I was truly afraid that I wouldn’t get up again.

I still have times that I feel like that. We had a great time in Catalina last week but it was hard to come home. Before I left I found out that Patrick’s headstone was almost finished so I was anticipating that it would be installed soon. The cemetery received it last week but they told me it will be another 4 to 6 weeks before it’s installed. I have been warned that it will be hard to see it the first time. I’ve seen a photo but I guess it is different when it is actually there. I guess I am a little anxious about it but I also think it will be another kind of closure. If it makes me cry that will probably be a good thing because I don’t think I do enough of that.

It’s really hard to write about being sad and missing Patrick. I want to make people smile and laugh. I want to be strong but I also want to be honest. I miss Patrick every single day but some days are harder. I can honestly say that it has gotten better. I really do have a decent life and a lot of reasons to be grateful. But at the end of the day I am faced with the prospect of spending the rest of my life without him. I don’t think I will ever get used to that.  

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What would Patrick do?

I’m sure I’ve mentioned how much we enjoy imagining how Patrick would react in different situations. He had such a crazy sense of humor and we all knew him so well that it’s not hard to predict how he would react to particular situations. I used to be embarrassed or horrified at his reactions but now I just miss the constant entertainment. Predicting his reaction is my way of keeping his memory alive. The bonus is that it is easier and less painful to smile and laugh than to cry. 

Last summer my sister Dawan suggested we join her family in Catalina for their annual vacation with her husband’s family. It was the kind of distraction we needed last summer and we had a great time. 

We went in the midst of the Pokémon Go craze and we spent a lot of time chasing Pokémon. It helped us work off all of the yummy dinners and snacks. If you’re not familiar with the game, it involves using your smart phone and walking around to find virtual characters and then catch them. I realize that a lot of people thought it was a ridiculous way to spend time, especially for a middle-aged mom like me! I didn’t care because it made me smile!

At some point it occurred to me that Patrick never knew about this game and I mentioned to the girls that he would have had a field day with it. First we would have had a long discussion to explain the game to him. It would be a serious discussion but he would be mocking us the whole time. When he “understood” the game he would probably then suggest that he play it with us. We would remind him for the thousandth time that he did not have a smart phone. He would reply that he had three and then try to get one of us to give him one of those three phones. And there would be no way any of us would let him touch our phones because who knew what he might do with them?!

When he figured out that we weren’t going to give in, he would announce that he could play on his flip phone. Then he would proceed to play an exaggerated version of the game. His version might involve climbing a tree, hopping up and down or using stealth moves. And I’m sure that his version would have special Pokémon that only he could catch. They would have names like alutnarat, booger, and diputs. Or maybe they would be called nystagmus or syncope (two names he actually proposed as baby names). We all had a good laugh imagining his reaction and it made playing the game even more fun!

We just got back from our second trip to Catalina with the Utecht’s and Brandlin’s. This time we added a few teNyenhuis kids to our entourage. Sierra has a “twin” cousin, Dominic. They were born on the same day in the same hospital and Monday was their twenty-first birthday and Catalina was the perfect place to celebrate! We had a great time!


This year was easier than last year. I didn’t seem to notice every single happy couple and I didn’t cry at all. I’m not going to say that I didn’t miss him. I miss him every day and especially when I’m having a great time because he should be there too, right? It’s just a little easier to bear now.

I saw the No Turkeys Allowed sign in Catalina. I think I remember seeing it last year too but it didn’t catch my attention. I happened to be walking by it alone and there were people sitting in the yard it was in. I was almost overcome by a sudden urge to ask them why I couldn’t bring my turkey there. Then I thought of Patrick and I knew he absolutely would have said something. He would have started a crazy rant about discriminating against turkeys. The people would have thought he was crazy. I would have needed to drag him away in embarrassment. I never thought I would miss that but I would give anything for him to annoy me now! He was crazy and unforgettable and that makes it easy for me to imagine him in situations that never happened. He still makes me laugh and laughter is good. ❤️❤️❤️

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I need a Patrick funny!

My friend, Dawn, lost her father today. I never met him and I have only really known her since Patrick died. She has been a good friend. One of the first things she told me, and I think she would be okay with me sharing this, is that Patrick was one of her work crushes! I had an immediate bond with her because he was my work crush too! And, I know that he was the kind of guy that people had crushes on. I was okay with this because I knew I had his heart. In the short time I have known Dawn I have come to realize that she was extremely close to her father and I know she must be in a lot of pain.

Dawn enjoyed Patrick’s sense of humor and we’ve enjoyed sharing stories of his antics from the other side of his life (home vs work). I am truly blessed to have met her. Today she told me she needed a Patrick funny so this is for her! It’s more than just a funny so you’ll have to read through it to get to that part! I enjoyed reading it again just now and I put it here to preserve the memory.  I hope you will enjoy it too.

Letter from Dan Snider shortly after Patrick’s death (with Dan’s permission)

I heard about the tragic news. I am writing to you with a heavy heart. Laura and I are extremely saddened.

Since I heard on Wednesday afternoon, Laura and I have prayed for comfort for you and your daughters. Memories of Pat have been often in my mind in the last few days.

I would like to share with you some of my memories and what Pat meant to me in the decade that I was fortunate to have worked with him and got to know him. Danell, I know most people refer to Pat as Patrick but he told me I could call him Pat as this is how I knew him. I am not doing this at all to show any disrespect but because that is how I knew him and it seems natural for me.

The last time I saw Pat was at the Clovis Recreation Department approximately 2 years ago where he played floorball. I had just finished a practice session with my children’s basketball team and I saw Pat standing by the entrance as I was leaving. We talked for a few minutes catching up briefly on work and our families. It was nice to talk with him.

Two Saturday’s ago (April 9th), I took my daughter to shoot basketball at Clovis East around 7:00 PM. In the parking lot by the soccer and baseball field, my daughter sees this vehicle parked and says, “Dad, look at the van, now that is cool.” I believe the vehicle there that night was Pat’s as I know his VW van, as I used to see it parked at his outpatient clinic all the time over the last 11 years. I was about to go see if it was Pat but was running late and decided not to. I am disappointed that I did not. The Sunday of April 17th I was reading the sports page and saw your daughter Camille’s name in the paper as part of the Clovis East championship soccer team. Seeing her name brought memories back to me of Pat, you and your family. Then last Wednesday Olga shared with me the news of Pat.

As I believe you know, Pat and I went to the same physical therapy school and he was a year ahead of me. There was a student in Pat’s class that was older at the time named Dennis Fearing. Dennis decided that school was moving too fast while raising a family and ended up finishing in the class I graduated in. I became very good friends with Dennis. I helped Dennis with his studies at times during physical therapy school. He mentioned to me that there was this super smart guy in his class the year before. He told me this guy had a photographic memory and when a teacher asked a question this guy would give a speech like it was coming from a textbook and his name was Patrick teNyenhuis. Dennis was extremely impressed by Pat. As you may also know, I ended up working with Pat at the VA because I also received a scholarship from the VA and owed them time.

I greatly appreciated Pat and your kindness towards me when I began working at the VA. Coming to your house for several parties and Pat organizing my local bachelor party, I will never forget. I am grateful to you both for being at my wedding in Las Vegas. I also remember going to dinner with you and Pat, I believe in the Tower district and seeing Mission Impossible. 

As I read an article in the paper recently about Pat and his joy of brewing, playing the banjo and floorball, it brought a smile to my face. I remember Pat playing his banjo at lunch time in this small office next to my desk at work. As I understand it, he became quite an accomplished banjo player. I remember when Pat began to play floorball and now I read that he was on a traveling team. I also remember how much Pat loved his beer. Another thing Pat loved that comes to my mind every time I think of him is his VW van. I remember when he purchased it and how happy he was and all the work he told me he put in it refurbishing it. That vehicle is a part of who he was. I remember when Pat shared the news of when you were pregnant with both of your children and the smile he had. Pat told me when you were pregnant with Sierra that “he slipped one past the goalie.” Pat’s dry sense of humor is something that I missed a lot when he left the VA.

After I graduated PT school and began working at the VA, I had to take a licensure exam. I took the licensure exam several months after beginning my work at the VA. I had to drive to Los Angeles to take it, no internet at the time. Pat knew I was nervous about finding out the results and at that time the results came 4-6 weeks later in the mail. Pat stated to me on several occasions that the easiest way to know you passed is if you receive a yellow envelope. He stated that people who failed received a white envelope. I am usually not that gullible but Pat sold it real well. The day I received my exam results and saw a white envelope, I was crushed until I actually opened the envelope and found out that Pat messed with me. Pat had shared priceless stories with me about his first year at the VA before I got there and his interaction with the physical therapist I replaced. They are not appropriate stories to share at this time, but I still bust up laughing when I think of them.

Although Pat had only one year experience more than me, I felt he was a mentor to me. Pat began the casting program at the VA and taught me how to do them. Since then I have taught many people. The thing I admired about Pat was his work ethic. He was always at work on time and worked his full shift without cutting corners. He never cheated the VA out of one minute of work. He had the highest integrity and was extremely ethical. Pat walked the talk so to speak. It was easy for me to want to work with someone like that. I have been around a lot of physical therapists over the years and there is no one better than Pat!

I will greatly miss Pat and I will never forget him. He was part of my work life for 12 years. I feel honored and privileged to have known him. Laura and I pray for you and your daughters. God bless you and your family.

I am so grateful to have stories like this to share and remember Patrick. By the way, he was Pat when I met him too and for the next 14 years. In 1999, or sometime shortly before, he decided that Patrick was a more grown up name and decided that he would be “Patrick in 2000”. At the time this really annoyed me but once Patrick was committed to something, it was pointless to resist. I changed to Patrick like everyone else and now it is how I remember him.  Please feel free to share any other funny stories in the comments. Dawn could use the laugh today!

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4th of July

Patrick and I always loved the 4th of July! We were on our honeymoon on July 4, 1992. We went on a cruise that began in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I remember being a little surprised that the announcements were in 3 languages. I think they acknowledged Independence Day but it was the first time I was ever out of the country on the 4th. I think we might have been in Curaçao that day and we happened to see a ship with an American Flag on it and it made me very happy!

The next year we had a combination 4th of July/housewarming party and it was the beginning of a fairly annual tradition. We missed some years for various reasons (didn’t feel like hosting a party the year I was 9 months pregnant)! We liked having parties on the 4th though.

Patrick would usually barbecue tri-tip and everyone would bring something. We usually made homemade chocolate chip ice cream. We took our fireworks seriously! Usually there would be multiple men arranging an elaborate display. I think my cousins even made us a display with several shelfs for the fireworks. I would usually bring the karaoke machine out so that Travis Holland could sing the National Anthem and then we would play patriotic music during the fireworks. We’re lucky that there were never any injuries or burns because the guys got a little crazy with the fireworks! We were always exhausted at the end of the night but it was always a fun time.

Patrick was a party throwing machine! I usually handled the inside prep and he would make sure the backyard was ready to go. He would fill ice chests, make ice cream and do many other things to get ready. In the last few frantic moments before people started arriving, if one of us finished what we were doing we would check in with the other to see if we could help. 

I have had a lot of get togethers since he died and I always catch myself looking around, expecting to see him. 

Last year the 4th kind of blindsided me. Silly me, I forgot how special it was! I decided I couldn’t handle going to any parties but I relented and went to my brother’s house just before the fireworks. I was glad that I went. 

I wasn’t feeling well on the last 4th of July we had together so, sadly, I didn’t go to the party. The party was at Denny’s and it was one of the first times Patrick had been around Denny’s friend, Phillip. He struck up a conversation and asked Phillip what he did for a living. Phillip explained that he was a supervisor for the street sweepers in Fresno. My charming husband said, “They need a supervisor”. Phillip’s girlfriend, Becky, whom I’ve known for years, walked up right then and I can only imagine what she thought of Patrick. That was just Patrick though. He didn’t have a filter sometimes and he always had a complex thought process. I saw Becky a few days later and I said, “So, you met my husband?” And then we had a good laugh!  Luckily he and Phillip really clicked and when he died both Phillip and Becky had some great memories of time spent with Patrick. 

This year feels like it will be easier but I am prepared for unexpected feelings. I know I’ll get through it but it would be impossible to not be constantly reminded of him tomorrow, just as I am every other day.

Happy 4th of July!!!