Sleepless

Sometimes I question my decision to share so much on my blog. A lot of times I think people want to fix things for me and that’s not the reason I write this. I try to be authentic but there are times I may leave things out because I don’t want to worry people. So I won’t post this right away. 
I’m tired and I can’t sleep. It’s 3 AM on Saturday and I have a busy day tomorrow. I had so much to do yesterday and accomplished very little. I still have times when it is very hard to get myself organized. I finally did a Facebook invite for Camille’s party. I used to kind of frown on those but it’s a week away so I needed to get the word out. I have announcements and pictures to send out. I realize I could have her do those but she has had less time than I have had. 
I rarely get “good” sleep anymore and sometimes the exhaustion catches up. I did sleep late yesterday so hopefully that will get me through tomorrow. 
Sierra is moved home and getting settled in. We are trying to combine her 3 years of college accumulation with everything else she already had. She is a very good organizer and does not get emotionally attached to “things”. She disagrees but she is much better at decluttering than I am. I’m excited for her to get her organizing done because then I know she will help me!
I was thinking about Patrick when I went to bed and it still took my breath away realizing he is gone. It’s more of a brief shock now, not the heavy sadness I felt at first, but still hard. If I’m having trouble sleeping I can go on the Option B Facebook group and I don’t feel so alone in my pain. It’s for anyone experiencing grief but a lot of widows post there. I can see how people who are further along are doing and sometimes I’m able to share with people whose loved ones died more recently. Sheryl Sandberg is one of my heroes now. My blog is not unique. A lot of people write blogs after experiencing this type of loss. They write books too. But most of them do not have the connections she has and the power to bring people together. She is very inspiring!
I haven’t had a chance to write about Patrick’s graduation video. It turned out to be a kind of goofy video about all of the graduates. There wasn’t a single bit of the graduation on it so no video of Patrick’s speech. But there was video of him, acting a little silly, and the girls enjoyed watching it. I’m glad that we have it but I still hope I find that speech!
It’s now Tuesday and Camille graduates tomorrow. I haven’t posted since last week because I have been so busy. I’m still disorganized. Announcements have not been mailed. I can’t stress about it. I have two assignments to turn in before graduation tomorrow. I’m taking a short break right now then I will hopefully finish them prior to the last minute. 
I was looking at my Facebook profile and it made me sad that Patrick is not listed in my life events. So I added “loss of a loved one” and it broadcasted it to everyone so I immediately deleted it. I wish you could just have it be there without showing up in newsfeeds. #FirstWorldProblems.
I’m excited to see Camille graduate but I know it will be hard also. Patrick was so proud of both of his girls! Last night Camille led the flag salute and read the benediction at baccalaureate. She was poised and confident. Four years ago she filled in as the mascot at a rally and she could only do it for a little while because she was uncomfortable being in front of a crowd. That is probably the biggest change Patrick missed out on, Camille growing into her role as a leader. I know he will be with me in spirit tomorrow but I wish he were here…