I miss holding hands. You really don’t think you are going to miss the little things but I keep finding myself in situations where I would normally be sitting or walking with Patrick, holding hands. Saturday was my niece, Olivia’s, first communion. She is such a happy, friendly, adorable girl and it was fun to watch her. Neither of the girls could be there so I texted them a picture of her. Watching her was one of those happy moments that would have made me reach for his hand and smile at him. I think it was our little way of acknowledging the joy we were sharing, however small.
I think of him as I walk into a track meet. Normally he would be using one arm to haul in whatever chairs, blankets, etc that I wanted and the other hand would reach out and clasp mine. Many times we would meet at whichever event was happening after a long day at work. When he grabbed my hand it would remind me of how grateful I was to be spending time with him, watching our child at a sporting event. I have caught myself looking around for him when I arrive.
We weren’t one of those couples that were constantly touching and we had separate interests so we weren’t always together. I think I used to think that the “spark” was gone but I realize now that it still showed up in the little touches and looks. Quiet, calm, ever present. We did hold hands when we were walking together and usually when we were sitting together. Last night I watched Camille receive an award, last week it was Sierra and there will be several more ceremonies in the weeks to come. I am grateful that I had a year to prepare for this. I definitely am swelling with pride but I wish I could share these experiences with him in person. Yes, I know he is proud, but it’s not the same. Fortunately I am almost never alone. I did go to Sierra’s alone because the invite said one guest and we were apparently the only people who didn’t ask for an exception! I did have a great time with Sierra! 😊
We are still missing Aggie. We have Denise’s dog, Toby, right now. We love him (except when he barks – sorry sissy 😂) but we still miss the little black pug. It’s a completely different kind of loss and in a strange way I think it would have been harder to lose him if we had not just been through almost a full year of loss. I don’t want to say my heart is hardened but I’ve been through the worst loss I can imagine. I don’t want to challenge God to give me anything more difficult but I think I’m going to be able to handle almost anything.
I like to end with a laugh but I can’t think of any stories. So, I will just say that it’s hot and I turned the air on. And I set it at 75, with no bedtime increase, and that would really annoy him! Truth be told, I might actually be a little cold. Lol
I wanna hold his hand
