My Life After Patrick

Unpleasant anticipation

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I feel like an emotional wreck and I really did not want to let the “anniversary” have this effect on me. I really should be focusing on schoolwork but this week is kind of consuming me. I ask myself why it is any different from the previous 51 weeks? I honestly don’t know why. Maybe just the reminder of the finality of it all? Surely a nightmare wouldn’t last a full year?

I’m not looking for pity and I don’t mean to make anyone sad. I’ve always promised to just be honest here and that’s what I’m doing. I go back and forth between wanting to take a long break from school and then realizing that I really need that consistency. Let me tell you, it is a lot of work. And due dates don’t behave the same way that grief does! I don’t know how I will feel from day-to-day but I do know that my assignments are due every Wednesday night at midnight, Arizona time. Right now that is midnight my time because they don’t follow daylight savings time. I feel like I get an extra hour! My poor family and friends have learned not to bother me on Wednesday because I am likely to be stressed and grumpy. I am trying really hard not to finish my assignments at the last-minute but I have been a school procrastinator for a long time and it is a hard habit to break! Especially since I never learn my lesson! My kids seem to have inherited this from me. I know their dad did not do this! And they also do well in spite of it, lol.

I went to the 6:10 class at the gym today. I drove down Locan and I still don’t know if that’s the route Patrick took that day but it was odd thinking that it was about the same time of day, sunrise would be around the same time, etc. Today was rainy so not exactly like that day but still very close. I really don’t want these kinds of memories to control me. I thought about driving a different way to the gym but I’m not going to do that. I’m not sure if I can go to that class on Thursday though. That might be too much. I want to go to Shaver and go for a hike or something but I am realizing that the weather may not be great and I don’t like to freeze! In any event, I am not going to sit around being sad.

As hard as this unpleasant anticipation is, I am also reminding myself that the grief will not magically go away on Friday. I will be done with my “firsts”, or at least the first year ones, but the pain will still be here. There are a lot of good things too. I’m going to try to share more of those in the next few days!

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