Forever 49

I’ve spent a total of 4 nights completely alone in the house. No dog, no kids, no Patrick. I do not like it and I’m happy that I still have a while before I have to face that permanently. I am now happily relaxing in a hotel room in Long Beach with Sierra. Our friend Mike graciously agreed to take us sailing tomorrow. We wanted to do something special for Patrick’s birthday. In June 2015 Patrick, Mike and Sierra drove down here to move some furniture into Sierra’s apartment and then the guys met Abdul for band practice. They went sailing on that trip and I know Patrick enjoyed it so I thought it would be nice. 

I started the morning at a mass for Patrick at Newman Center. I realized on the way there that I had not been there since his funeral. Today was a lot easier in some respects but I no longer have that wonderful blanket of shock that muted all the feelings. I really don’t think I could have survived at first if I really had to feel my loss. I think God only gives us what we can handle. A little bit at a time. I was grateful to be surrounded by family and know that I’m not the only one who feels his absence. 

As I drove here today I was flooded with memories of going to visit Patrick in Glendale and also our trips to Long Beach. I have thirty years of memories so they pop up almost anywhere I go. Some of them are significant and others are minor details such as a gas station we stopped at. It’s been almost a year and I still can’t believe that I won’t have any more of those routine moments…reaching out to grasp hands while we drove, talking, planning, dreaming.

In the car I found a comedy station on Sirius, which we never had when Patrick was alive. The station was playing Andy Griffith describing the opera, “Carmen”. Patrick loved Andy Griffith and he would have loved this radio show. Good, clean, humor! The kind of jokes that he could save to tell Father Alan!

I think I have mentioned that Patrick absolutely hated the thought of growing old. I’m sure he is up in heaven laughing about the fact that he doesn’t have to turn fifty tomorrow! I would always tease him that he was “so much older” during the eight months each year when his age was more than mine. I passed him up permanently when I hit 49 and 8 days. Later this year I will hit the big 5-0 and he will be forever 49.

I’m trying to get my sadness out of the way tonight. Tomorrow I want to just remember happy times and celebrate his life. Maybe I can think of corny jokes to tell and make people laugh! Happy Birthday Babe! I hope you are having an awesome party in heaven!

Patrick’s 49th birthday – April 13, 2016

Patrick’s 20th birthday – April 13, 1987. The first birthday I celebrated with him!