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Saying goodbye

I had almost forgotten that there was another significant date last year. The day we said goodbye. The funeral.

I’m a night owl and although I should be asleep I checked the Facebook “On This Day” feed right after midnight. I’m sharing the posts with you as another example of the love that surrounded us and held us up when it was time to say goodbye. 






The picture is from our honeymoon cruise.



The band logo, designed by Patrick (and most of it hand drawn).











Ruth is a former co-worker who lost her daughter in a car crash earlier in the year.


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Surrounded by Love

Every day I look at the “On This Day” feature on Facebook. Since Patrick was opposed to social media he wasn’t on there a lot but I did occasionally mention him in posts or sneak a picture and I’m always happy when they pop up as a memory. I knew that I would begin to have a huge amount of posts in this feed starting on the 20th. I looked through them and the thing I said the most frequently was, “I am surrounded by love.” I said this over and over again because it was and is SO true! 

That love, and the security it brought me, is what got me through the last year. There is a lot of discussion about what to say and do when someone experiences a loss. SURROUND THEM WITH LOVE! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Let me share some of the ways people reached out and surrounded us with love.

The day of the crash many people came to our house and were physically there for us. Others called or texted. I remember looking up and seeing Dave Cruce walking in with a case of water or something. Things like paper plates, utensils, paper towels and toilet paper showed up in mass quantities. People knew how large our families were and that we would need to be together and they made that easier. Dishes were done, trash was taken out, leaves were skimmed out of the pool, I didn’t have to take care of anything for at least the first week and really much longer. 

Jim, Ineke, Jim and Elijah Wood did my yard for most of the first year. Denny and Matt helped often. Dawn Kuhl started a meal train and friends and acquaintances brought food for 2-3 weeks. Linda Crews did laundry whenever I needed it. Cathy Lamb did whatever I needed. 

Many people sent plants and flowers. Other people sent cards. For weeks, getting the mail gave me a sense of normalcy. Sometimes, it was the only thing I did myself. I received a steady stream of cards and letters and I still occasionally get them. I really love getting those and I’m going to try to be better about sending them.

Teachers at Clovis East collected gift cards to a variety of fast food places and those helped a lot. Others included gift cards or money in their cards. Granville Homes employees collected donations for my sister-in-law, Lisa, to give us. This included $500 in Visa gift cards from one of the owners! You may not realize that funeral homes expect payment prior to the service, as does the cemetery. And, it takes much longer for insurance policies to pay. I have a new appreciation for the car washes and gofundme drives for funeral expenses. I was fortunate to have Patrick’s parents help with this and I didn’t have to figure out how to pay. Not everyone has that kind of security. At first I felt guilty getting cash gifts but I appreciated them while I waited for other money. All of these gifts helped out a lot!

We got a lot of really thoughtful, personal gifts too. My friend Sonia gave us journals (which started me on the path to this blog). Dawn, Tony, Logan and Tylar gave us meaningful bracelets and new ones this week. One day I got the mail and my friend, Denise Hert, sent me a personalized necklace that I now wear all the time. 

My sister Dawan was in Europe when Patrick died. She gave me a crucifix from Notre Dame that was my constant companion the first few weeks and I also held it when I addressed the defendant in court. You can see my bracelet in the picture also. Dawan also gave the girls and I necklaces. 


Carrie and Brian Brandlin sent us a memorial candle. 


Sherry Fritts gave me a special poem and a wind chime that makes me think of Patrick when I hear it. The teNyenhuis aunts gave us a framed family picture. 

Another really special gift came from Lucia Prandini’s co-workers. Lucia’s dad, Zio Angelo, died the day after Patrick. Her coworkers in Porterville gave Lucia, Zia Becky and Angelino each a cross wall hanging and they gave us one also. Even though none of them knew us they knew our story and what we were all going through. 


People helped with the service. Lisa Boyles set up the memorial web site for me. Jill Holstein made a beautiful tribute video. If I needed anything, people did it!

The girls each received special gifts from friends, and Camille’s friends helped with the picture display boards. 

I know I can’t possibly remember everything so I apologize if I left anything out. There are so many ways to help and sometimes the biggest help is just your physical presence or your thoughts and memories. I received countless texts and Facebook messages or posts. These meant the world to me. I’ll end by leaving a few examples below. Thanks again for all the love!







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One year later

Patrick has been gone for 365 days. I’ve only seen him in videos and pictures. Some days it seems like just yesterday and on others it feels like an eternity. I’ve tried to share my journey with others. This is mainly for selfish reasons as I seem to feel much better when I write everything out. But I have also heard that others have found this helpful and that makes me happy.

Imagine that you are taking a walk. The weather is mostly perfect and the scenery is beautiful. As you walk you are holding the hand of the person you most want to walk this path with. Occasionally there is a hill and sometimes you stumble but your partner is always right there to help you.  You carry many memories with you and in the distance you can see many places that you want to go and you anticipate these experiences with excitement. You have the path memorized and you know exactly how to get where you want to go.

Suddenly there is an earthquake, worse than you ever imagined. A huge chasm opens up in the path in front of you.  You feel your partner slipping and suddenly they have disappeared. The destruction is so great that you can’t even see the places you had planned to go. The experiences you had dreamed of are no longer possible.

At first you feel like jumping into the chasm and looking for your lost dreams. You don’t really see any other option. Suddenly you see that there is another path leading away from the chasm. This path has not been used as often and it is not as easy to navigate. Sometimes you need help clearing the way. Parts of the path seem dangerous and frightening and the chasm always seems to be nearby. But you start to notice that there are some interesting things ahead. There are other people traveling the path and you begin to enjoy their company. They help to clear the path and point out destinations that you didn’t realize were there. This is a much different path than you had planned. You haven’t forgotten about your missing partner or the plans you had with them but you realize that they would be happy that you found this new path and would want you to continue on.

That may be a little corny but that is how my life is. I am now on a completely different path that I did not choose but it is not as awful and scary as I thought it would be. There are new dreams and hopes for the future. I feel that Patrick walks this path with me and helps steer me in the right direction. He can no longer hold my hand but he still keeps me from falling.

Over the last year I have met so many wonderful people and became re-acquainted with some old friends. I was able to leave a job that I was burnt out on and embark on a journey toward a new career. The girls and I have spoiled ourselves a bit and had some great adventures with more planned. None of us will have a future exactly like we planned but we will have a future and good things will happen. We will face adversity but we will always remember that we survived the worst thing imaginable and we can probably survive just about anything.

I will always miss my husband but I know that my story has not ended. He has provided for my future and I am able to focus on doing positive things and pursue a career where I hope to make a difference in people’s lives.

The girls are doing better than I could have ever imagined. They also miss their Dad but they are choosing to live the kind of lives he would want them to. We have pulled each other through this.

I have heard many different things about observing or not observing the anniversary of death. I can’t imagine how you would ever ignore it so we are choosing to be together, with other loved ones. We will spend the day at Shaver since he loved to be there. We may paddle the canoe around the lake or take a hike. He will be right there with us.

Thank you for all of the love and support in the last year! Keep it coming because this grief journey is not over! We love you all!

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Unpleasant anticipation

I feel like an emotional wreck and I really did not want to let the “anniversary” have this effect on me. I really should be focusing on schoolwork but this week is kind of consuming me. I ask myself why it is any different from the previous 51 weeks? I honestly don’t know why. Maybe just the reminder of the finality of it all? Surely a nightmare wouldn’t last a full year?

I’m not looking for pity and I don’t mean to make anyone sad. I’ve always promised to just be honest here and that’s what I’m doing. I go back and forth between wanting to take a long break from school and then realizing that I really need that consistency. Let me tell you, it is a lot of work. And due dates don’t behave the same way that grief does! I don’t know how I will feel from day-to-day but I do know that my assignments are due every Wednesday night at midnight, Arizona time. Right now that is midnight my time because they don’t follow daylight savings time. I feel like I get an extra hour! My poor family and friends have learned not to bother me on Wednesday because I am likely to be stressed and grumpy. I am trying really hard not to finish my assignments at the last-minute but I have been a school procrastinator for a long time and it is a hard habit to break! Especially since I never learn my lesson! My kids seem to have inherited this from me. I know their dad did not do this! And they also do well in spite of it, lol.

I went to the 6:10 class at the gym today. I drove down Locan and I still don’t know if that’s the route Patrick took that day but it was odd thinking that it was about the same time of day, sunrise would be around the same time, etc. Today was rainy so not exactly like that day but still very close. I really don’t want these kinds of memories to control me. I thought about driving a different way to the gym but I’m not going to do that. I’m not sure if I can go to that class on Thursday though. That might be too much. I want to go to Shaver and go for a hike or something but I am realizing that the weather may not be great and I don’t like to freeze! In any event, I am not going to sit around being sad.

As hard as this unpleasant anticipation is, I am also reminding myself that the grief will not magically go away on Friday. I will be done with my “firsts”, or at least the first year ones, but the pain will still be here. There are a lot of good things too. I’m going to try to share more of those in the next few days!

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Almost the last “first”

I guess I have to face the fact that tomorrow is a holiday. Sierra is not coming home since I just saw her and she will be here later this week. Camille just came home from Europe tonight and I’ve told both sides of the family that I wasn’t sure how she would feel tomorrow. So, I have no definite plans, but invitations to two family events. Camille stayed awake on the entire flight home so she is sleeping now and may very well be up to doing something tomorrow. Which means that I can’t pretend it isn’t a holiday.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my family! I love being with them and I’m sure we will make time to go to both parties tomorrow and I’ll be glad I went. I would just prefer that it was just another day, not a holiday that I will be spending without Patrick. And once again, these feelings have caught me off guard.

This is the second to last first and I guess I will be glad to have those behind me but I don’t think that these days will magically be easier in year two. Mother’s Day is just around the corner and that was not a good day for me last year! So, fair warning to my family, I might be making some different plans this year.

Last Easter and I think a few before that we spent in Shaver at Dina & Jeff’s. Zia Dina made her famous jello eggs and had eggs filled with candy and change. The teenagers had fun hiding eggs for the younger kids. The guys helped Jeff move a bathtub up the stairs into an apartment he was building outside. Patrick was calling it his apartment. He loved to be up there and especially loved spending time with Jeff and Dina. I’m sure he would have stayed up there as soon as it was finished. He probably would have given them a list of requirements and I’m sure “stocked with beer” would have been at the top of the list! I wish I had a picture of them moving that bathtub. I really thought it was going to be dropped and someone would be badly hurt or worse!

Here is a picture of the girls from last Easter:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patrick loved to dye Easter eggs with the girls. I wasn’t into it as much but they would all talk me into participating.  Mine were usually pretty boring but he was always trying to do something fancy with his and they usually turned out pretty good.

Patrick watching Sierra hunt Easter eggs at Nona & Opa’s house, 1999.

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t imagine what any of these holidays would be like if the girls were younger. I know widows with young children and my heart breaks for them. I’m not saying it is any easier for my girls but I am eternally grateful that they spent their childhood with their Dad. There’s still a lot he will miss but they have years of good memories that I know they will cherish.

Happy first Easter in heaven Patrick!

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Forever 49

I’ve spent a total of 4 nights completely alone in the house. No dog, no kids, no Patrick. I do not like it and I’m happy that I still have a while before I have to face that permanently. I am now happily relaxing in a hotel room in Long Beach with Sierra. Our friend Mike graciously agreed to take us sailing tomorrow. We wanted to do something special for Patrick’s birthday. In June 2015 Patrick, Mike and Sierra drove down here to move some furniture into Sierra’s apartment and then the guys met Abdul for band practice. They went sailing on that trip and I know Patrick enjoyed it so I thought it would be nice. 

I started the morning at a mass for Patrick at Newman Center. I realized on the way there that I had not been there since his funeral. Today was a lot easier in some respects but I no longer have that wonderful blanket of shock that muted all the feelings. I really don’t think I could have survived at first if I really had to feel my loss. I think God only gives us what we can handle. A little bit at a time. I was grateful to be surrounded by family and know that I’m not the only one who feels his absence. 

As I drove here today I was flooded with memories of going to visit Patrick in Glendale and also our trips to Long Beach. I have thirty years of memories so they pop up almost anywhere I go. Some of them are significant and others are minor details such as a gas station we stopped at. It’s been almost a year and I still can’t believe that I won’t have any more of those routine moments…reaching out to grasp hands while we drove, talking, planning, dreaming.

In the car I found a comedy station on Sirius, which we never had when Patrick was alive. The station was playing Andy Griffith describing the opera, “Carmen”. Patrick loved Andy Griffith and he would have loved this radio show. Good, clean, humor! The kind of jokes that he could save to tell Father Alan!

I think I have mentioned that Patrick absolutely hated the thought of growing old. I’m sure he is up in heaven laughing about the fact that he doesn’t have to turn fifty tomorrow! I would always tease him that he was “so much older” during the eight months each year when his age was more than mine. I passed him up permanently when I hit 49 and 8 days. Later this year I will hit the big 5-0 and he will be forever 49.

I’m trying to get my sadness out of the way tonight. Tomorrow I want to just remember happy times and celebrate his life. Maybe I can think of corny jokes to tell and make people laugh! Happy Birthday Babe! I hope you are having an awesome party in heaven!

Patrick’s 49th birthday – April 13, 2016


Patrick’s 20th birthday – April 13, 1987. The first birthday I celebrated with him!

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All is Quiet

This has been a week of getting used to a new absence. A black jacket will be left on the couch and my mind tells me it’s Aggie. I walk in the door and immediately start looking for him. Is he on a couch? On my bed? On someone else’s bed? When he was younger he would greet us in the garage. The door would start opening and right on cue he would race out the dog door and run back and forth barking. As he got older he didn’t always meet us at the door but would come running when we called him. I used to describe him as the Tasmanian Devil. When he was startled he would initially spin in circles (like the lawnmower video I posted). If he was upstairs I could hear him from downstairs and it always made me laugh!

in the mornings I was usually the last one to come downstairs. Patrick liked to wrap the dog up before he left for work so I never knew what I might see when I came downstairs. He seemed to enjoy it too!

Losing a dog is not the same as losing your husband. Although Aggie wasn’t sick for long I had prepared myself for a long time. Dogs don’t live as long as we do so it was expected. I always thought Patrick would outlive me so his death is still shocking and unbelievable for me. Still, Aggie was part of the family and we never wanted to say bye. I am reminded again of all the things we take for granted. Aggie was always here, sometimes sleeping just out of sight but he had so much character! I’m really missing him!

 

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Saying goodbye is never easy

I grew up with a seemingly endless supply of pets and farm animals. We had pigs, goats, ducks, geese, a horse, cows, rabbits, dogs, and cats. I’m sure I am forgetting a few! I enjoyed having so many different animals but I also knew they were a lot of work. Patrick also grew up with pets, although they didn’t have as many. 

When we were first married Patrick had no desire to have a pet and I was okay with that. After the girls were born and we moved to Clovis we began talking about it. Patrick considered it one of those obligatory things that “good” parents do. Finally he decided we could get a pet but there were conditions. He got to pick the breed and the name. I was very nervous!

When he told me he wanted a pug I was reluctant. They’re kind of ugly with their flattened nose. He went to pick one out and when he showed me the picture I fell in love! Now he needed a name! 

One of my favorite movies is “The Birdcage” with Robin Williams and Nathan Lane. Hank Azaria plays a gay male maid who is hilarious. The maid’s name is Agador Spartacus and that is the name Patrick chose. I wasn’t thrilled with his choices but I did want a dog so I agreed. The day “Aggie” came home, I left work early and picked him up. We had a plan to surprise the girls. I waited with him in the family room and Patrick picked the girls up. When they walked in, Aggie was exploring the room. There was initial confusion and then shouts of glee when the girls realized that the adorable little black dog was theirs! 

Aggie lived up to his crazy name. He had more personality than any dog I’ve ever known. He regularly entertained us with his goofy behavior. Patrick asked me once if I thought other people sat around and just laughed at their dog. I wasn’t sure about everyone else but we did that frequently. He had crazy mannerisms and seemed to enjoy spinning, especially as Patrick ran the lawnmower. Aggie and the lawnmower. 

Since we have a pool we decided we needed to know if he could swim. He would paddle his paws before he even hit the water and head immediately to the steps. He hated swimming but he would run back and forth barking until you splashed him. 

Patrick and I always thought it was ridiculous when people spent thousands of dollars on medical care for their pets. We would NEVER do that! That changed on Father’s Day one year when a bee stung Aggie. Patrick and the girls rushed him to the Pet ER while I stayed with our guests. He spent four of five days there but amazingly survived and lived many years after that. The Pet ER sent us home with a cool reusable bag, a few other souvenirs and a $2,000 bill. That was the best $2,000 we ever spent!

No strangers ever came to visit Aggie. Every person who came over was a special guest who was there to give him attention. He made sure you knew this and rewarded you with as many licks as you would allow. If you were bald, like Uncle Denny, he would be happy to clean your head if it was within reach. Uncle Denny  Some guests really encouraged this type of affection. ​Desmond and Aggie (Patrick commentary)

​He was super hyper when he was young but became calmer as he aged. At night when he was tired he would run upstairs to Camille’s room (where he slept) and he would come back with his stuffed chicken.  Patrick would say “Chicken time!” and we would all laugh! He really was part of the family! 

After Patrick died I expected to see Aggie looking for him. He never did. Instead he became my constant companion and stayed as close to me as possible. More than once I thought I was going to trip over him. And I had to splash water on him to get him to move away from the tub so I could get out. 

He got sick fairly quickly and within the span of a few weeks he started getting weak. On Friday he could no longer stand on his back legs but he seemed to be fairly comfortable. He slowly deteriorated and by today we knew it was time to let him go. We loved on him all weekend and took him to the vet today. We all cried but we have been through worse so we will get through this too. 

Over the last 11 months I thanked Patrick many times for picking out this wonderful bundle of love. He brought a lot of cheer to our lives during some of the darkest days. I like to think that he ran right into Patrick’s arms and was scooped up and told what a good boy he was for taking care of us all this time. He was the best! Rest In Peace my sweet little boy!