I miss that feeling

I haven’t written much lately and I was trying to figure out why. I realized that I was falling into that trap of thinking that I wasn’t supposed to be sad. Maybe by now I should only be sad occasionally? One sad post a month? Then I remembered that no one gets to dictate when I am sad or happy or how long I grieve. So I’m feeling a little sad, and that’s okay.

I put a caption on the picture I attached but I’m not sure if it is showing up. This is my picture of contentment, me sleeping peacefully next to him. I miss that feeling of being loved. I know, lots of people love me. That’s not what I mean. No one loves me in the way that Patrick did. I wouldn’t expect anyone to. The love of a parent, child, sibling, friend…it’s just not the same as the love of a spouse or partner. The feeling is that no matter what happens it’s going to be okay. You’re together and that’s really what matters most. Money’s tight, no problem. Work sucks? It’s just a job. I could walk around the house in my sweats with messy hair and I still knew I was loved. We always had each other, and then the girls and always our families.

I still have the girls and our families and I am eternally grateful for that but it doesn’t replace the hole in my heart and that feeling of security. I remember many times in our relationship when difficult things happened. I was laid off from a job and he was there to support me and tell me we would be okay. September 11th, the world was a scary place, but we were together. I have a hard time even explaining how secure my world was before I lost him. It’s still just so hard to fathom that he is gone and a little bit of that security went with him. After almost 30 years as part of “we” it is really hard to adjust to being “me”. The pain comes less often now but it will always be there.

I finally ordered the headstone. It will take a few months to be finished but I am glad that I was able to get it done. I hope that I was able to capture what I wanted so that if people stop by they will remember him with a smile.

The other day I was going through a cabinet and I found a box with bluegrass music and other items. And there were pictures that I didn’t know were in there!

I especially like the picture with the striped shirt. That eventually became his lawnwork shirt and it is still hanging in the garage. I also started looking through other pictures to try to capture that feeling of security and contentment and I found these:

I know the last one is a little blurry but they all remind me of that feeling. The first is the day we came home from our honeymoon and I’m holding our nephew, Gabe. The next is at an Aetna Christmas party and the last is from a trip to magic mountain, probably the second summer we were dating.

This picture is just because he is so cute! 

I really could look at this picture all day because that is exactly how I remember him. And I got this look often! That’s my guy!

This post seems a little incomplete but that’s okay too. I got out a little of the sadness and the pictures made me smile!