Academic writer’s block

I’m back in the swing of school. My week runs from Thursday to Wednesday so my paper is due tomorrow. As usual I have academic writer’s block. I get frustrated because I have no problem filling my blog with thoughts but the academic writing is just so much work! I’m enjoying my class a little more than expected because it is teaching me about substance abuse which will be helpful knowledge in my campaign to change laws. The problem is that I keep getting sidetracked and researching from that aspect instead of what I am actually working on. I finally decided it was time to call it a night when I was trying to determine the differences in pharmacological and physiological effects of substances. I found a lot of references and explanations but I am still just stuck and my first thought was that Patrick could explain it to me. Even though this was not his area of expertise he was just smart and I bet he could have helped me to understand. 
I’ve had a hard couple of days. I haven’t felt well for almost a week. I’m still not really sure what it was but it seems to be better. Grief and the resulting depression can have physical effects so I’m never quite sure. I’ve missed multiple days at the gym so I’ve been beating myself up about that but I also knew that I really just needed some rest. Again, I hear Patrick’s voice in my head telling me that I don’t need to go to the gym every day and maybe I am setting myself up for failure by trying to. This isn’t the first time I’ve been gung ho about something like this so it’s a conversation we actually had multiple times. “Do you really need to ride 50 miles every Saturday?” or “You don’t have to walk every single night.” Again I am reminded of my word, patience. 
With the anniversary coming up I seem to be reliving events a lot. I think a lot about the crash site and try to picture what it looked like, how he landed, how bad it was. And, of course, I DO NOT really want to know these things. I know myself and if you put the police report in front of me I know I would read it so I am not asking for it. I didn’t go to counseling for a while but I’ve started up again because I know these are things I need to talk through. I am able to function with all of these thoughts going on but I am really hoping they subside over time.
I keep going back to the thought that it is so hard that we never discussed anything like this happening. It’s so bizarre to go through thirty years of planning everything together and then suddenly he’s not there. We used to joke about our lack of communication, “Didn’t I tell you we need to leave in 15 minutes for a birthday party?” or “Oh yeah, you got a call last week, it’s on the answering machine.” Honestly though, even though we forgot little day to day things, we knew everything about each other. When he brushed his teeth he was very meticulous and it literally sounded the same every time, like it was perfectly timed. He had great teeth so I guess it paid off. 😊
I guess it’s time to try to sleep. Hopefully I will finish my paper prior to the very last minute tomorrow! LOL 😂