Tonight Camille went to a baseball game with friends. She is having a great senior year, enjoying the last few months. I spent the evening on the couch reading, doing a puzzle on my iPad, playing stupid games on my phone. I didn’t watch TV because Camille gave that up for lent so I joined her. Aside from that, this really wasn’t much different from what my Friday nights used to be. Patrick would usually fall asleep early after a long week and probably multiple beers. We enjoyed the time alone but we usually didn’t go anywhere. We were happy to just be home. I don’t think that is going to change for me. I don’t really feel the need to go out and do things but it’s a little scary to realize that eventually I won’t have anyone coming home to me.
I know I’m not going to be alone yet. Sierra is coming home for a year before applying to law school. Camille is still deciding on college but even if she stays local she will live on campus. I want the girls to enjoy life and make lives of their own. Hopefully they will experience the kind of love I got to experience. I’m going to enjoy watching them plan their futures!
Eventually I will need to decide how I want to spend my Friday nights. I try to stay positive but tonight I’m feeling that it is so unfair that Patrick is gone. I don’t want to make a new plan! I liked the old one! I was happy in my nice little secure life!
We all need a little pity party once in a while, right? I have felt off the last few weeks and I think it’s just the thought of knowing how many happy and painful memories are waiting for me in April. Easter, his 50th birthday, and then the big one year anniversary. And let’s just add April 27th in because I’m not going to forget that his funeral was that day. I’m beginning to make plans on how to spend those days. It’s a little complicated since Sierra is in Long Beach and Camille will be out of the country on his birthday but we do plan to do something special. He would want us to have good days, to laugh and remember happy times. So we will do our best to not spend the days being sad.
I know the second year will probably not be much easier but it will be nice to have all of the dreaded “firsts” out-of-the-way. I still can’t believe he is gone…