I’m re-reading my blog entries as I move them to my new site. It’s interesting to see how much has changed since I first started writing this but also how much has not changed.
I would like to say that it has gotten easier over time. I guess in some respects it has but the hardest part is that it still doesn’t seem real to me. Patrick was so alive and it just doesn’t seem possible that he’s gone. I thought that as time passed it would not be so shocking to think about but it still takes my breath away when I remember he is gone.
I recently told someone that I always thought I cried easily and now I realize that it is easy for me not to cry. I’m not sure why I hold so much in but I’ve become more aware of it and I’m trying to allow myself to let it out a little more.
Yesterday I saw the aftermath of a collision and there was a black bike in the street. Patrick’s bike was also black. I saw it crumpled on the side of the road when I was watching a news report the day he died. That’s probably one of the times I started teaching myself to hold it in. Seeing the bike yesterday brought back a lot of those feelings. I was getting ready to go into a store and I had to sit in my car for a while before I could go in. I know it’s ok to let it out but I really can’t walk around in public like that!
I took two weeks off of school and my new class starts tomorrow. The class is on substance abuse and addiction. I have a completely new perspective on this now. I’m not going into counseling specifically to treat substance abuse but I do have to take this class as part of my degree. I’m praying that it will be helpful and I will be able to handle it. I question my choices so often and I thought about postponing the class longer. I’m not going to because it’s good to stay busy. Worst case scenario, I withdraw midway through and retake it. Like I tell the girls, it would not be the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Although I still struggle, I do have a lot of happy memories. And I enjoy imagining what Patrick would say or how he would react in different situations. I’m trying to perfect the laugh he made when he was making fun of the girls. I know that sounds mean but he had a way of laughing at them at just the right time. It was kind of his way to remind them that whatever they were upset about, it was not the end of the world. He also liked to tell them “You suck!” He always quickly followed this with “Love you!” He was very quirky but he loved his girls and they knew it. Fortunately they both inherited his sense of humor and that keeps us all going. Thanks for sticking with us on this journey!
Still not easy
