Day: March 5, 2017

I reread my first blog post about grief and decided to add some new thoughts now that time has passed. First of all, I can’t speak for everyone, we all grieve differently. I’m not trying to be an expert but I do want to share what I have learned.
I feel the most important thing you can do for someone who has suffered a loss is acknowledge it. I’ve said many times that I think about Patrick every day. If you mention his name you won’t be reminding me or making me feel bad. It warms my heart to know that he touched others and that people care enough to mention him. I am happy when I remember him, even if I am also a little sad.
You cannot protect me from grief. I had almost 30 years with Patrick. Of course I am going to mourn his loss. Over and over again. If I try to keep it inside I’m going to have a harder time with it.
After I wrote my blog about triggers my sister apologized for something that she thought she should have protected me from. I told her that I can’t run away from grief. What I should have added is that there is only one person who is allowed to feel any guilt about my grief. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read my blog. If I write about a difficult day, it’s not to point fingers at anyone for making me sad. I’m also not trying to make anyone sad for me. So please do not apologize.
Talking about grief is going to be awkward so you just have to kind of push through it. There literally is nothing you can say to make it better so don’t agonize over what to say. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything, hugs are always good for me personally. “I’m thinking of you” or “I’m praying for you” are good. Sharing stories about Patrick is always awesome! There have been times when people have said things that were really insensitive. I try to always remember that no one knows what to say and most people have good intentions. I probably said stupid things to people before I went through this!
People who are grieving are not going to “get over it” as quickly as society might think. I guess that’s what I used to think, if I thought about it at all. The pain is a little duller now but I think it will always be there. I am learning to coexist with it. Remembering the good times helps with that.
I’m still trying to figure out if I should be honest with people who are early in the grieving process. The truth is that even though the first days and weeks were awful, I was in a state of shock which allowed me to function and appear to be a pillar of strength. My emotions were muted. Some people told me it would get worse and I didn’t know what to think about that. What I think now is that God only gave me what I could handle. The full reality sunk in later. I always thought I was someone who wore my heart on my sleeve and shared everything. Now I just think that grief is so personal to me that it is hard to truly share what it feels like. If I feel it coming out into the open I seem to be able to hold it in until I am comfortable letting it out. I don’t always feel that this is healthy so I try to work on it. Try not to use me or anyone else as a gauge for how you should be acting or feeling. What you see is not always the reality. Someone who regularly cries openly could actually be doing a better job of processing their grief. Again, no two people are alike.
I have also learned that it is good to be aware of my limits. I don’t have to try to be a pillar of strength. It’s okay to say no and it’s okay to ask for help. I try to have purpose in my life but I also try to have patience. I know it will take more time to be settled into my new reality. There’s no timetable and that’s ok.