I’m half way through my two week break from school and I’ve barely started my projects. Yesterday I worked on the closet. I’ve gone through Patrick’s things a bit at a time and this was probably the most progress I’ve made. I almost didn’t start because my stomach was bugging me. Then I thought that maybe it was the anticipation? The pants were the easiest part. I carefully checked each pocket. I found receipts from 2014 and 2009. Clearly some of these had not been worn in a while! The shirts were harder. I had already thinned them out a lot, sharing them with various people, but there are still a lot that remind me of him. I got through as many as possible and left some hanging in the closet so it wasn’t completely devoid of him. I get frustrated that it takes me so long to get through any project. Then I remind myself that my word for 2017 is patience. I have to give myself a break.
I would really like a break from mourning. So many things are triggers. On Monday I was doing “jumping pull-ups” at the gym. There wasn’t a ton of impact and it didn’t hurt so I think it was okay on my hip but I really don’t know. He was my therapist. He told me what I could and could not do with my hip. I have to be careful because I can’t imagine going through another hip replacement without him by my side. I almost burst into tears just thinking about it. Then I spent the evening researching impact exercises after hip replacements. What I learned is that it really isn’t ethical for anyone to study how much impact is too much impact so they exercise caution. I’m weighing the benefits of the exercise against what seems like a small risk and I’ll probably keep doing it.
Today my nephew was officially sworn in as a police officer and also received a unit commendation. The ceremony was nice but there was just something about hearing the stories about particular calls that was a little close to home. Afterward he gave us a tour and I recognized different rooms and offices I have sat in as the case was discussed. I was very proud of him and there’s no way I would have avoided going but the pain is just always right there, waiting to sneak out.
Tonight was the soccer awards dinner. Last year we had them late due to play-offs so it turned out to be the last function I attended with him and maybe even the last meal I ate with him. It was a happy time so I have a lot of good memories. The venue was different tonight so that was a blessing. My friend, Angela, hugged me after I arrived and whispered that she knew it must be hard for me. I know others were aware of this too. They really do a good job of recognizing the girls and the seniors get a blanket with their name and number embroidered on it. After the awards were handed out the coach said she was going to recognize parents. I knew we were doing something for Dyia, who does an amazing job keeping things running! I was very surprised when she called my name and thanked me for things I had done. She reminded me that they are my family and gave me my own warm, fuzzy, embroidered blanket! I am once again humbled by the love and kindness the girls and I have been shown and I am so grateful for all of my friends.
I haven’t been to the gym since Monday and I feel like it has affected my mood. I am a firm believer that exercise boosts your mood and helps with depression and grief. If you are struggling, give it a try! Even if it’s just a walk, I promise you it will help you feel better! And if you are having trouble getting motivated, publicly announce that you are working out! I know someone will ask me how my workout was! I have to go so I will be prepared to answer! 😜