I miss that feeling

I haven’t written much lately and I was trying to figure out why. I realized that I was falling into that trap of thinking that I wasn’t supposed to be sad. Maybe by now I should only be sad occasionally? One sad post a month? Then I remembered that no one gets to dictate when I am sad or happy or how long I grieve. So I’m feeling a little sad, and that’s okay.

I put a caption on the picture I attached but I’m not sure if it is showing up. This is my picture of contentment, me sleeping peacefully next to him. I miss that feeling of being loved. I know, lots of people love me. That’s not what I mean. No one loves me in the way that Patrick did. I wouldn’t expect anyone to. The love of a parent, child, sibling, friend…it’s just not the same as the love of a spouse or partner. The feeling is that no matter what happens it’s going to be okay. You’re together and that’s really what matters most. Money’s tight, no problem. Work sucks? It’s just a job. I could walk around the house in my sweats with messy hair and I still knew I was loved. We always had each other, and then the girls and always our families.

I still have the girls and our families and I am eternally grateful for that but it doesn’t replace the hole in my heart and that feeling of security. I remember many times in our relationship when difficult things happened. I was laid off from a job and he was there to support me and tell me we would be okay. September 11th, the world was a scary place, but we were together. I have a hard time even explaining how secure my world was before I lost him. It’s still just so hard to fathom that he is gone and a little bit of that security went with him. After almost 30 years as part of “we” it is really hard to adjust to being “me”. The pain comes less often now but it will always be there.

I finally ordered the headstone. It will take a few months to be finished but I am glad that I was able to get it done. I hope that I was able to capture what I wanted so that if people stop by they will remember him with a smile.

The other day I was going through a cabinet and I found a box with bluegrass music and other items. And there were pictures that I didn’t know were in there!

I especially like the picture with the striped shirt. That eventually became his lawnwork shirt and it is still hanging in the garage. I also started looking through other pictures to try to capture that feeling of security and contentment and I found these:

I know the last one is a little blurry but they all remind me of that feeling. The first is the day we came home from our honeymoon and I’m holding our nephew, Gabe. The next is at an Aetna Christmas party and the last is from a trip to magic mountain, probably the second summer we were dating.

This picture is just because he is so cute! IMG_0878

I really could look at this picture all day because that is exactly how I remember him. And I got this look often! That’s my guy!

This post seems a little incomplete but that’s okay too. I got out a little of the sadness and the pictures made me smile!

Our Pride and Joy

I would like to start out by apologizing to my children. I try not to embarrass them but sometimes I just have to be a mom! Patrick and I have always been proud of the girls. One of the things I miss the most is our private conversations when we talked about our hopes and dreams for them. We could just talk and not worry that we would sound like we were bragging. We thought we were the luckiest people in the world! We joked that we were terrible parents and I frequently thought we might have been too easy on them. Mainly we just loved and enjoyed them.

One thing I regret is that I don’t have a lot of video of them interacting with their dad. They all regularly entertained me. When they were younger and video cameras were popular, I wanted to enjoy life, not walk around recording it. But I would love to have just a few videos of the crazy arguments and discussions they had!

The girls have been remarkably strong and resilient in their own ways. Sierra took incompletes in her college classes last Spring. She is finishing those up and is set to graduate after three years of college. We thought she was joking when she first told us but she stuck with it and did extremely well. She had planned to go straight to law school but is going to take a year to study for the LSAT so she can get into a good school. I am grateful that I don’t have to be an empty nester just yet.

Camille is graduating with just about every honor available. She is currently weighing her options but she has several good scholarship opportunities.

This week there was an unfortunate event at Clovis East. Two students fought and one cut or stabbed the other. Later that day Camille and her friends were sad to see people commenting negatively on social media about their school. They decided to share the positive and Camille began a tweet thread of positive things that have happened at the school this year. Others joined and her tweets were shared hundreds of times. She didn’t think she did anything special and was kind of surprised at the response. She was not happy when she got a request for an interview. She didn’t want to do it and when I asked her why she said, “I’m really more of a behind-the-scenes  person”. She did the interview and I thought she did great.

I’m very relieved that my daughters are strong and successful in life. They are both on the right track and I can’t wait to see what they accomplish! I am so blessed to be their mother!

 

I ❤ Mom

Family is the glue that holds me together. They are always near, always checking on me, always loving me. And I know that all of them would do anything to take my pain away. I know it’s been hard for my parents especially. My Dad has told me repeatedly that if I need him he will drive over from the coast and I know he’s serious because he’s done it before.

My mom lives in town now and I’m grateful for that. A few months ago I mentioned that I was taking some shrubbery off my fence and she told me she had the perfect garden tools for that and her and Ernie could come do that. She is 75 and he is 92! Since it rained for so long we never got around to it but she never forgot.

Today she wanted to get mulch that the city was giving away. I went with her so she could get my allotment also. By the time we got there it was almost gone so they were no longer using the front loaders to put it in your truck. We hadn’t brought shovels but they had some there so she backed the truck in and we got out. Three months ago I am confident there is no way I could have shoveled mulch into her truck. I have never been strong and I would have tired out quickly. I was very happy that I could actually do this! There was only one shovel so I grabbed it and got to work. I told mom it was fine but she insisted on finding another shovel and she finally did. We loaded mulch until I told her that was probably enough and we should stop before she was worn out. Who was I kidding, I had already done one workout, I was worn out!

After that we went to my house and went to work on the shrubs. When we were finished I felt a little guilty that I let my 75 year old mom help me. How selfish is that? But then I thought about it and decided that it is pretty awesome that my mom CAN help me. That means she is moving around and I know it’s good for her. So yeah, my mom rocks!

Once again I am reminded of how good exercise of any kind is for you. And I hope when I am 75 I can shovel mulch and tear shrubs off a fence! And, I want to have a body like Cher!

PS Mom did require one bandaid but no bones were broken while she was in MY backyard!

Patrick’s Day

It’s after midnight and Camille is still working on homework. I have made sure I am wearing green because we take that very seriously in our house. Patrick loved to see who wasn’t wearing green and make sure they were pinched. A silly tradition but we always had fun with it. I always thought it was cool that my husband had a special day for his name.

The kids next door loved Patrick. Last year on March 17th I went out to get the mail and ran into our neighbor, Brandie. She told me her son, Evan, a first grader, couldn’t wait for Patrick to get home so he could wish him a Happy Birthday! She tried to explain that it wasn’t really his birthday but he wasn’t buying it. I watched for Patrick to get home and Evan quickly ran over when he did. Patrick told him he was crazy or something and then acted crazy with a silly voice. I used to worry that his behavior would actually scare kids since he would yell things like, “What are you doing on my sidewalk?!” Kids always seemed to “get” him though. Evan and his little sister, Tabitha, would just giggle as he basically ranted st them. I always got a kick out of watching him with them.

Recently it occurred to me that Evan and Tabitha might not remember Patrick anymore and this made me sad. Then I spoke to Brandie right after the last hearing and she told me she had seen the video of me speaking (breaking down) at the sentencing. She said she cried and Evan cried too, which was even sadder.

I know when someone is gone you seem to remember them with rose-colored glasses. My Patrick wasn’t really a saint but he was a good man and a lot of people loved him. As hard as it is to miss him every, single, day, it’s a blessing to know how many people he had a positive impact on (even if it was just making them laugh). People still share stories about Patrick with me and I always enjoy hearing them. My greatest wish is to keep his memory alive and to live life doing things that would make him proud, or just make him laugh. So, as you go about your day, make someone smile, make someone laugh and smile as you remember Patrick. PS Bonus points for pinching anyone who is not wearing green! ❤️😇☘️☘️☘️🍀🌈

#mypatricksday #notthesamewithouthim #grief

Academic writer’s block

I’m back in the swing of school. My week runs from Thursday to Wednesday so my paper is due tomorrow. As usual I have academic writer’s block. I get frustrated because I have no problem filling my blog with thoughts but the academic writing is just so much work! I’m enjoying my class a little more than expected because it is teaching me about substance abuse which will be helpful knowledge in my campaign to change laws. The problem is that I keep getting sidetracked and researching from that aspect instead of what I am actually working on. I finally decided it was time to call it a night when I was trying to determine the differences in pharmacological and physiological effects of substances. I found a lot of references and explanations but I am still just stuck and my first thought was that Patrick could explain it to me. Even though this was not his area of expertise he was just smart and I bet he could have helped me to understand. 
I’ve had a hard couple of days. I haven’t felt well for almost a week. I’m still not really sure what it was but it seems to be better. Grief and the resulting depression can have physical effects so I’m never quite sure. I’ve missed multiple days at the gym so I’ve been beating myself up about that but I also knew that I really just needed some rest. Again, I hear Patrick’s voice in my head telling me that I don’t need to go to the gym every day and maybe I am setting myself up for failure by trying to. This isn’t the first time I’ve been gung ho about something like this so it’s a conversation we actually had multiple times. “Do you really need to ride 50 miles every Saturday?” or “You don’t have to walk every single night.” Again I am reminded of my word, patience. 
With the anniversary coming up I seem to be reliving events a lot. I think a lot about the crash site and try to picture what it looked like, how he landed, how bad it was. And, of course, I DO NOT really want to know these things. I know myself and if you put the police report in front of me I know I would read it so I am not asking for it. I didn’t go to counseling for a while but I’ve started up again because I know these are things I need to talk through. I am able to function with all of these thoughts going on but I am really hoping they subside over time.
I keep going back to the thought that it is so hard that we never discussed anything like this happening. It’s so bizarre to go through thirty years of planning everything together and then suddenly he’s not there. We used to joke about our lack of communication, “Didn’t I tell you we need to leave in 15 minutes for a birthday party?” or “Oh yeah, you got a call last week, it’s on the answering machine.” Honestly though, even though we forgot little day to day things, we knew everything about each other. When he brushed his teeth he was very meticulous and it literally sounded the same every time, like it was perfectly timed. He had great teeth so I guess it paid off. 😊
I guess it’s time to try to sleep. Hopefully I will finish my paper prior to the very last minute tomorrow! LOL 😂

Friday Night

Tonight Camille went to a baseball game with friends. She is having a great senior year, enjoying the last few months. I spent the evening on the couch reading, doing a puzzle on my iPad, playing stupid games on my phone. I didn’t watch TV because Camille gave that up for lent so I joined her. Aside from that, this really wasn’t much different from what my Friday nights used to be. Patrick would usually fall asleep early after a long week and probably multiple beers. We enjoyed the time alone but we usually didn’t go anywhere. We were happy to just be home. I don’t think that is going to change for me. I don’t really feel the need to go out and do things but it’s a little scary to realize that eventually I won’t have anyone coming home to me.

I know I’m not going to be alone yet. Sierra is coming home for a year before applying to law school. Camille is still deciding on college but even if she stays local she will live on campus. I want the girls to enjoy life and make lives of their own. Hopefully they will experience the kind of love I got to experience. I’m going to enjoy watching them plan their futures!

Eventually I will need to decide how I want to spend my Friday nights. I try to stay positive but tonight I’m feeling that it is so unfair that Patrick is gone. I don’t want to make a new plan! I liked the old one! I was happy in my nice little secure life!

We all need a little pity party once in a while, right? I have felt off the last few weeks and I think it’s just the thought of knowing how many happy and painful memories are waiting for me in April. Easter, his 50th birthday, and then the big one year anniversary. And let’s just add April 27th in because I’m not going to forget that his funeral was that day. I’m beginning to make plans on how to spend those days. It’s a little complicated since Sierra is in Long Beach and Camille will be out of the country on his birthday but we do plan to do something special. He would want us to have good days, to laugh and remember happy times. So we will do our best to not spend the days being sad.

I know the second year will probably not be much easier but it will be nice to have all of the dreaded “firsts” out-of-the-way. I still can’t believe he is gone…

Still not easy

I’m re-reading my blog entries as I move them to my new site. It’s interesting to see how much has changed since I first started writing this but also how much has not changed.
I would like to say that it has gotten easier over time. I guess in some respects it has but the hardest part is that it still doesn’t seem real to me. Patrick was so alive and it just doesn’t seem possible that he’s gone. I thought that as time passed it would not be so shocking to think about but it still takes my breath away when I remember he is gone. 
I recently told someone that I always thought I cried easily and now I realize that it is easy for me not to cry. I’m not sure why I hold so much in but I’ve become more aware of it and I’m trying to allow myself to let it out a little more. 
Yesterday I saw the aftermath of a collision and there was a black bike in the street. Patrick’s bike was also black. I saw it crumpled on the side of the road when I was watching a news report the day he died. That’s probably one of the times I started teaching myself to hold it in. Seeing the bike yesterday brought back a lot of those feelings. I was getting ready to go into a store and I had to sit in my car for a while before I could go in. I know it’s ok to let it out but I really can’t walk around in public like that!
I took two weeks off of school and my new class starts tomorrow. The class is on substance abuse and addiction. I have a completely new perspective on this now. I’m not going into counseling specifically to treat substance abuse but I do have to take this class as part of my degree. I’m praying that it will be helpful and I will be able to handle it. I question my choices so often and I thought about postponing the class longer. I’m not going to because it’s good to stay busy. Worst case scenario, I withdraw midway through and retake it. Like I tell the girls, it would not be the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Although I still struggle, I do have a lot of happy memories. And I enjoy imagining what Patrick would say or how he would react in different situations. I’m trying to perfect the laugh he made when he was making fun of the girls. I know that sounds mean but he had a way of laughing at them at just the right time. It was kind of his way to remind them that whatever they were upset about, it was not the end of the world. He also liked to tell them “You suck!” He always quickly followed this with “Love you!” He was very quirky but he loved his girls and they knew it. Fortunately they both inherited his sense of humor and that keeps us all going. Thanks for sticking with us on this journey!

Grief – what I know now

I reread my first blog post about grief and decided to add some new thoughts now that time has passed. First of all, I can’t speak for everyone, we all grieve differently. I’m not trying to be an expert but I do want to share what I have learned.
I feel the most important thing you can do for someone who has suffered a loss is acknowledge it. I’ve said many times that I think about Patrick every day. If you mention his name you won’t be reminding me or making me feel bad. It warms my heart to know that he touched others and that people care enough to mention him. I am happy when I remember him, even if I am also a little sad.
You cannot protect me from grief. I had almost 30 years with Patrick. Of course I am going to mourn his loss. Over and over again. If I try to keep it inside I’m going to have a harder time with it.
After I wrote my blog about triggers my sister apologized for something that she thought she should have protected me from. I told her that I can’t run away from grief. What I should have added is that there is only one person who is allowed to feel any guilt about my grief. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t read my blog. If I write about a difficult day, it’s not to point fingers at anyone for making me sad. I’m also not trying to make anyone sad for me. So please do not apologize.
Talking about grief is going to be awkward so you just have to kind of push through it. There literally is nothing you can say to make it better so don’t agonize over what to say. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything, hugs are always good for me personally. “I’m thinking of you” or “I’m praying for you” are good. Sharing stories about Patrick is always awesome! There have been times when people have said things that were really insensitive. I try to always remember that no one knows what to say and most people have good intentions. I probably said stupid things to people before I went through this!
People who are grieving are not going to “get over it” as quickly as society might think. I guess that’s what I used to think, if I thought about it at all. The pain is a little duller now but I think it will always be there. I am learning to coexist with it. Remembering the good times helps with that.
I’m still trying to figure out if I should be honest with people who are early in the grieving process. The truth is that even though the first days and weeks were awful, I was in a state of shock which allowed me to function and appear to be a pillar of strength. My emotions were muted. Some people told me it would get worse and I didn’t know what to think about that. What I think now is that God only gave me what I could handle. The full reality sunk in later. I always thought I was someone who wore my heart on my sleeve and shared everything. Now I just think that grief is so personal to me that it is hard to truly share what it feels like. If I feel it coming out into the open I seem to be able to hold it in until I am comfortable letting it out. I don’t always feel that this is healthy so I try to work on it. Try not to use me or anyone else as a gauge for how you should be acting or feeling. What you see is not always the reality. Someone who regularly cries openly could actually be doing a better job of processing their grief. Again, no two people are alike.
I have also learned that it is good to be aware of my limits. I don’t have to try to be a pillar of strength. It’s okay to say no and it’s okay to ask for help. I try to have purpose in my life but I also try to have patience. I know it will take more time to be settled into my new reality. There’s no timetable and that’s ok.

Triggers

I’m half way through my two week break from school and I’ve barely started my projects. Yesterday I worked on the closet. I’ve gone through Patrick’s things a bit at a time and this was probably the most progress I’ve made. I almost didn’t start because my stomach was bugging me. Then I thought that maybe it was the anticipation? The pants were the easiest part. I carefully checked each pocket. I found receipts from 2014 and 2009. Clearly some of these had not been worn in a while! The shirts were harder. I had already thinned them out a lot, sharing them with various people, but there are still a lot that remind me of him. I got through as many as possible and left some hanging in the closet so it wasn’t completely devoid of him. I get frustrated that it takes me so long to get through any project. Then I remind myself that my word for 2017 is patience. I have to give myself a break.

I would really like a break from mourning. So many things are triggers. On Monday I was doing “jumping pull-ups” at the gym. There wasn’t a ton of impact and it didn’t hurt so I think it was okay on my hip but I really don’t know. He was my therapist. He told me what I could and could not do with my hip. I have to be careful because I can’t imagine going through another hip replacement without him by my side. I almost burst into tears just thinking about it. Then I spent the evening researching impact exercises after hip replacements. What I learned is that it really isn’t ethical for anyone to study how much impact is too much impact so they exercise caution. I’m weighing the benefits of the exercise against what seems like a small risk and I’ll probably keep doing it.

Today my nephew was officially sworn in as a police officer and also received a unit commendation. The ceremony was nice but there was just something about hearing the stories about particular calls that was a little close to home. Afterward he gave us a tour and I recognized different rooms and offices I have sat in as the case was discussed. I was very proud of him and there’s no way I would have avoided going but the pain is just always right there, waiting to sneak out.

Tonight was the soccer awards dinner. Last year we had them late due to play-offs so it turned out to be the last function I attended with him and maybe even the last meal I ate with him. It was a happy time so I have a lot of good memories. The venue was different tonight so that was a blessing. My friend, Angela, hugged me after I arrived and whispered that she knew it must be hard for me. I know others were aware of this too. They really do a good job of recognizing the girls and the seniors get a blanket with their name and number embroidered on it. After the awards were handed out the coach said she was going to recognize parents. I knew we were doing something for Dyia, who does an amazing job keeping things running! I was very surprised when she called my name and thanked me for things I had done. She reminded me that they are my family and gave me my own warm, fuzzy, embroidered blanket! I am once again humbled by the love and kindness the girls and I have been shown and I am so grateful for all of my friends.

I haven’t been to the gym since Monday and I feel like it has affected my mood. I am a firm believer that exercise boosts your mood and helps with depression and grief. If you are struggling, give it a try! Even if it’s just a walk, I promise you it will help you feel better! And if you are having trouble getting motivated, publicly announce that you are working out! I know someone will ask me how my workout was! I have to go so I will be prepared to answer! 😜