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Life is precious

Earlier this week the newspaper asked me for a family photo to go with my story. As I tried to decide which one to use I passed on a few more recent ones because I was not happy with the way I looked. I ended up picking the one we’ve used for everything. It was taken at Mikel and Melissa’s wedding and I really like it. Suddenly I realized that we will never take another family photo. Not that this came as a surprise but it’s just another one of those secondary grief things when you realize something else that is lost. And it made me realize that I need to try to take more pictures.

When Patrick died I was surprised that we had so many pictures of him. I was also very grateful. Camille’s friends and their families took them and made several large display boards for the service. There were a lot of good memories in those pictures. I took a lot of the pictures and usually didn’t volunteer to be in them. I’m trying to make up for that and take a lot of pictures with the girls. I want us all to have those memories.

Life is so much more precious to me now that I have experienced loss. Tomorrow is never guaranteed so I try to live with no regrets. Sometimes I can’t help having regrets about the past. I wish I had been awake to say goodbye to him that morning. I don’t remember when the last kiss was and that makes me sad. I have never been a morning person and he knew this so he never woke me before I had to get up. I was so used to his routine that I slept through it. So I didn’t say goodbye that morning. And really I have not wasted time feeling guilty about this. I have many memories of him and I don’t need to make myself feel guilty about this. I just wanted to share that you never know what is going to happen so take time to take pictures, hug your loved ones, live with no regrets!

I just finished my third class and I decided to take a two week break from school. Being a student is a bit more challenging than I was expecting. My classes are different from my prior college classes. They are all reading, research, and writing. Fortunately taking online classes gives you flexibility so I’m going to enjoy my break. I am still working on organizing and decluttering so I have several projects planned. I’m also going to be moving my blog to a new site so that I can do a little more with it. I’m going to try to add all of the old entries and add pictures that I originally wanted to include. For some reason writing my blog is really healing to me. The best part is that it has introduced me to some wonderful people! I feel like I might run out of stories at some point but for now I will keep writing.

I continue to be amazed by all of the lives Patrick touched. I love it when people share stories with me! I don’t want to speak for all grieving people but I am hoping that reading my story will help people learn how to reach out to others who are going through loss. It’s going to happen to all of us at some point. The main thing I want to convey is that there is no “right way” to do it! You don’t even have to say anything, just be there!

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10 months

Today marks 10 months since Patrick’s death. I can’t believe it’s been that long and yet it also seems like yesterday. So many ups and downs since then and so many more to come. I made it through two difficult days last week and I think I only have a few more “firsts” left. St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, his birthday, and the one year anniversary a week later. I’m sure the second year won’t be much easier but at least I will be past all of the firsts.

Since we have had our final court date I will share a little bit more about that. My understanding is the man who hit Patrick got into an argument with his wife and left with the car. Over the course of 3 days and nights he used the car as an illegal or “ghetto” taxi (his words). His explanation of this was that people knew he had a car and they would call him for rides. He admitted to smoking meth during this time and there was meth in his blood. His phone records revealed very few periods with no activity so he was more than likely sleep deprived. He said he was driving out Shaw to return a backpack to someone who had left it in his car. Coincidentally there was a meth pipe in the backpack. He said that Patrick just veered in front of him and I’m sure he really wanted to believe that but the evidence did not support that. The detective did a very thorough investigation and determined that the driver left the road and hit Patrick. We assume that he fell asleep.

At the scene he was distraught and failed the first sobriety test. They administered a second one a little later and the second officer advised him to “get it together” and he passed. The conflicting results were the first issue that made the case difficult. When they found meth in his system we all thought it would be a felony. The problem is that drug intoxication is much more difficult to measure. In the state of California it’s against the law to drive while impaired by drugs but there is no clear definition of impairment. And ER doctor who has testified as an expert witness was consulted and he indicated that he could just as easily testify for the defense and that effectively ended the pursuit of felony charges.

I plan to spend a lot of time learning more about drug impairment and distracted driving in general but I also want to learn about punishment and deterrents. What can be done to prevent this type of offense? I realize that there won’t be a quick or simple answer but I appear to have lots of time since most of my future plans were destroyed.

Thursday turned out to be the most time we had to spend on the court room. I’m still not sure why but it took over two hours before they even brought him in. When he finally arrived we started fairly quickly and the whole hearing lasted no more than 15-20 minutes. At the end of my statement I held up the picture of Patrick and the girls that is currently my profile picture and then I played Patrick’s recording of Blackbird. I told the court that I felt it was a love letter to the girls and I but it could also be a message to the defendant, “Take these broken wings and learn to fly.” At the very least I thought he should hear Patrick’s voice so I was glad I had that to play.

Speaking was harder than I thought. I cried throughout and sobbed when I sat back down. The worst part of that was that I know it was hard for my family to see and hear. The girls did not attend court but I had my Mom, my Dad and Step-Mom, my Mother-in-law, all 3 of my siblings, my brother-in-law and two of my sisters-in-law, two of my nieces and 3 cousins. Plus a news reporter who happens to be a friend. When it was over we went out of the courtroom and I said quick goodbyes and headed to Bakersfield to watch Camille’s team win round two of the play-offs! I’ll admit that I asked Patrick to put in a good word with the man upstairs for favorable weather and a win!

I am happy to have court behind me but it’s a very odd feeling, kind of a reverse let down? I guess I thought it would be more of a relief? But in the end, Patrick is still gone. I guess I put a lot of energy and emotion into getting through court and I thought I would feel a big weight lifted. The problem is that none of it changes anything. We knew that it would never provide justice or peace but I was still hoping that maybe it would.

So now I need to continue moving forward and try to find joy. It’s not going to be easy but I’ve got to try, for my girls, for Patrick and for me. Thank you for the continued love, prayers and support, it really does make a difference!

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A Bit of Closure 2/16/17

This was originally posted on 2/16/17. I am reposting today since the defendant has completed his program. I’ll make a new post about that also. The image is the picture I planned to show the defendant.

Court is over finally. The defendant will spend 316 days in a treatment facility. I will write more about it later. Here are the statements we read. FYI “addressing the defendant” means addressing his back.

Statement read by Denny
Testimony

Your honor, I want to thank you for the opportunity to address the court. I’d like to start by reading a note from Daniel teNyenhuis, Patrick’s brother who cannot be here today. Dan is a retired United States Marine who still works to keep our nation safe. While we are in court for the sentencing of the man who caused his brother’s death, Dan is at work defending us.

These are Dan’s words –
“Patrick John teNyenhuis was my first friend and will always be my friend. I knew Pat before I knew anyone else. I spent my formative years with him. He significantly contributed to my personality and character. I owe much of my success to his influence. Yes, Patrick John teNyenhuis did live a blessed live. Pat deserved every blessing he received, including his three girls, Danell, Sierra, and Camille. Pat earned his other blessings through hard work and dedication, including his career as an expert Physical Therapist where he routinely helped others in need. Patrick John teNyenhuis was a COMPLETE man in mind, body, and spirit; from his music and career, to his health and physical fitness, to his family and faith. During his life, Patrick John teNyenhuis met people from all walks of life through his profession and his hobbies. Pat could talk with crowds and keep his virtue; he could walk with kings without losing his common touch. The world is a lesser place without the skills, music, and wit of Patrick John teNyenhuis. We all miss him.
–Daniel Joseph teNyenhuis

I can’t do a better job than Dan to describe Pat or the impact his life had on everyone around him.

Before I sit down, though, I want to talk about the impact his death had, and the actions that brought us all here today.
It’s important that everyone in this room understand that we are not here by accident. Recently, following a court appearance, a member of the defendant’s family told us that they were praying for us, but it was an accident. That is a lie.

Pat’s death was not an accident. He died because of the irresponsible, selfish and illegal actions of the defendant.
The defendant chose to buy an illegal drug.
The defendant chose to take that illegal drug. The defendant chose to get behind the wheel of a car and drive while under the influence of that drug and the sleep deprivation that resulted from its use. Whether it was intentional or not, the defendant then hit and killed Patrick. No logical person argues these facts.

Where logic still fails us all is the lack of accountability being shown here, and the total lack of justice.

The defendant will be back with his friends and family within a year, while Patrick is gone forever from our lives.

Neither are things we can change. We have to try and accept them, and choose to honor Pat’s legacy rather than live our lives filled with anger over the unimaginably deep and painful hole he left behind.
We will spend the rest of our lives following Patrick’s examples.

When this legal process started, many of us hoped that the defendant would be accountable for his actions and would take responsibility. As we learned more about his long criminal history, we were forced to give up that hope. On April 20 of last year the Defendant forever changed the lives of our family and his own. The only hope I have left for some positive outcome from this terrible crime, is that it is not too late for everyone in this courtroom to learn from a better example. For that hope I offer the memory of Patrick.
Patrick was a man who loved God and his family. Patrick was a man who worked hard, every day of his life. Patrick was a man who worked for everything he achieved in life and always shared what he had with those in need. Patrick was a man who often worked six days a week to provide a better life for his wife and children. Patrick was a man who had dreams and worked hard to achieve them. Patrick was a man who touched the lives of everyone he met. Patrick was a man who accepted the blame when he made mistakes and did everything he could to do better.
Patrick was a man.

Today I asked the court to do all it can to encourage the defendant to be a man from this day forward. To be a man and accept the terrible results of his crime. To be a man and work hard to change his life, so that this awful scene is not repeated. To be a man and work hard to give his children a better example. To be, a man.
Your honor, I thank you.

My Statement
My name is Danell teNyenhuis. For the last 24 years, I was Patrick’s wife. Our marriage began in 1992 and ended on April 20th, 2016 when you took his life.

I am not a vindictive person. I know very little about you. I know you are a father and I know that you made a series of poor choices that
resulted in Patrick’s death.

There is no punishment that will make up for the loss my daughters and I have suffered due to your choices. Unfortunately, our legal system was unable to find a way to adequately hold you accountable. So, you will do your time and then have the rest of your life ahead of you.

What will you do with the rest of your life?
Let me tell you how Patrick lived his life. He was an amazing husband! We were truly partners in life. He helped with everything including doing the grocery shopping and most of the cooking. He also found time to make me feel special and loved. He made all of my dreams come true. He was a wonderful father to our daughters, Sierra and Camille. His daughters were his pride and joy! When they were infants he would get up with them at night, change their diapers and then bring them to me to nurse. When they began eating solid foods he made all their baby food from scratch. He attended sporting events, helped with science projects and truly enjoyed spending time with them. They are beyond devastated by his loss. In the next year one will graduate from high school and one from college. Someday they will get married and have children and he will miss these important milestones.

Patrick was an excellent physical therapist. I know because he helped me rehabilitate after hip surgery. I also know due to the numerous
patients who have reached out to me since his death. Here is just one of the many stories that have been shared.

In 2009 I had a surgery which resulted in damage to my femoral nerve. Patrick became my physical therapist for an entire year, 3 times per week, as he persisted to try to figure out the best therapy routine and exercise regime to help my femoral nerve
regenerate and function. He did not know if the nerve was severed, crushed, stretched or who knows what, but he was relentless in the challenge to help me be able to use my right leg
again. I developed the greatest respect for him, his physical therapy skills, his tenacity and determination to take on the challenge and master the results successfully for me, as well as for his professional skills and efforts. The therapy was successful because of his training, perseverance and knowledge. I was able to move and functionally use my right leg again. He told me that I was a rehab miracle. The truth is, the miracle was God’s divine intervention transferred through Patrick’s passion for healing, professional skills and caring personality for his clients,
including me. He became not only my therapist but my friend during those sessions.

Patrick was also a devoted son and brother. And he was loved by 22 nieces and nephews and numerous extended family members. He was a good friend to many but was also humble and felt he only had one friend. His funeral service was standing room only.

He was a great provider for his family and he worked overtime most weekends to ensure that he could pay for his daughters to go to
college. He was unselfish and spent very little money on himself.

I could go on and on but I think by now you might be realizing how many people were affected by his death. In my opinion you have been given the gift of a second chance. Will you choose to continue the same path and risk making a poor choice again? My challenge to you is that you learn from this tragedy. Do your time and then change your life. Do
something positive. Make a difference in the world. Share your story as a lesson to others. I am not ready to offer forgiveness. But, if you want to atone for this then make your life matter.
The girls Instagram posts from 4/20/16, which I read in court.

Dina’s Statement

I’m Dina teNyenhuis, Patrick is my brother.

I’m not going to talk about Patrick being senselessly taken away from us because there are no words to describe the grief and anguish and pain it has caused our family. I’m going to talk about “accidents”. What is an accident? I think everyone in this room knows what one is. The problem with accidents is sometimes the ChoicesWeMake are what cause them to happen.

When my students would make poor choices and then claim that the result of their choices “was an accident,” I used this example to explain to them that they can’t hide behind that excuse: If you choose to climb up on a table and start dancing, then you fall off the table and break your arm, or another student’s arm – it was your choice to climb in the table – something you shouldn’t have done in the first place, that led to the “accident”, even if you didn’t intend to fall off.

If we make choices to do certain things or choose a certain type of lifestyle, there are consequences to those choices and to the “accidents” those choices lead to. We put ourselves in positions that can cause negative circumstances or “accidents”. Those are within our control. Our negative choices caused them.

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I’ve kept myself busy all week so that I wouldn’t think about tomorrow. We have our final hearing and we will be addressing the defendant. I have been anxiously awaiting this closure and it didn’t happen two weeks ago but I am 99% sure this will be it. I’m pretty sure I’ve been keeping my guard up and I will probably have to let it down tomorrow and that kind of terrifies me. My family will be with me so I know it will be okay but I’m just not sure that I want to experience all of the emotion. At least this part will be over.

I still just can’t believe this happened. I think about him every day and I’m able to share funny stories and smile. But every once in a while I get sucker punched when I consciously remember that he is gone. Tonight I cooked dinner for the soccer team and I kind of got in over my head. I don’t cook a lot and when I do it is just for 2-3 people. I decided to make 4 kinds of pasta, two kinds of sauce, chicken and veggies. My oven was used in shifts and every burner on my stove was in use. And I didn’t time it very well. The chicken didn’t look right at first so I just didn’t serve it. I ate some and it tasted ok but at that point they were all full from pasta! I think it turned out okay but let’s just say it wasn’t Olive Garden!

Patrick and I hosted a lot of get togethers over the years. He was usually in charge of cooking and he just had a knack for the timing that is involved when you cook a big meal. He probably viewed it as a math problem to be solved! Just another one of his many talents! He used to crack me up when he was getting ready to sleep. I would catch him deep in thought and ask what was wrong and he would hold up his hand for a minute and then tell me he was doing math, which meant he was calculating what time to set his alarm. I never understood this since he stuck to his schedule religiously so I usually just laughed!

Time for sleep! I am so thankful the hearing was moved to the afternoon so I won’t miss my workout. I’ll post again tomorrow to let you know how it goes!

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Forever mine

I am cautiously optimistic that tomorrow won’t be awful. I haven’t been alone on Valentine’s Day for over 30 years. But I’m feeling okay leading up to it so I think it will be at least okay and maybe even good.

Over the years we went from the gushy, young love on Valentine’s Day to the romantic, sweet, appreciative and comfortable. We celebrated in a lot of different ways and they were all good. For many years we avoided going out on the actual day and really didn’t always make it a special occasion. More recently I would make lasagne for the four of us and we would eat on my grandmother’s china. I haven’t even done that in a few years. He used to always send me flowers but we stopped that expense by mutual agreement a while back too. I don’t think either one of us felt we needed another special day to show our love for each other. I’m not saying I didn’t love extravagant gestures but I didn’t really need them to feel loved. And I’m actually grateful that we didn’t make a big deal out of it. That will make this year easier for me.

I’m starting the day with a workout and I’m really happy about that! I am still loving getting up early and going! I am slowly noticing changes and I know Patrick would love that I was developing healthy habits. He would love the changes too 💪😉.

Later in the day Clovis East has the first round of soccer playoffs. I was SO happy when I realized I get to watch them play on Valentine’s Day! I can’t explain it but I love this team so much! I know that a big part of it has to do with the great time we had watching them when the Valley Championships last year and being grateful that we have such happy memories of our last months with him. The other part is that the team, the school, and the parents of Camille’s teammates and friends have been such a wonderful source of support for us. I never worried about Camille because she always had so many people looking out for her and loving her. I know I’ve mentioned this before but when I walked into Patrick’s funeral and saw the full row of the girls in their championship jackets, I cried. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me! So, I can’t think of a better event for Valentine’s Day.

If they win there will be a game in Bakersfield on Thursday. We also have what we hope is the last court appearance on Thursday. For the last one I waited in the cafeteria because I knew in advance that nothing was likely to happen but I had to be there, just in case. I have my statement ready and I’m reading some things the girls wrote since they won’t be there. Denny is also speaking and reading something Patrick’s brother, Daniel, wrote. Hopefully we can both get through it but I’m not going to feel bad at all if there are tears. I just want to have this part behind me. I know that Patrick’s love will give me strength to get through it. Prayers are appreciated too! 😊

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Unexpected memories

They say that at the end of your life memories flash before you. What I didn’t realize is that when you lose someone who was such a big part of your life, this video montage seems to go on and on. At times it’s jarring when I suddenly remember some random event. Cathy and I drove to Las Vegas this week to see Cher in concert. As we passed the casinos in Primm, I looked at the big roller coaster that I’m pretty sure I have never ridden but suddenly I had a memory of riding roller coasters with Patrick. It’s almost like some sort of alarm that your body sets in case you go too long without thinking about your loved one. Some of these memories almost bring me to tears but I’m trying to learn to smile and let the memory just fill my heart.

Recently, I remembered the beautiful box my mother-in-law made us to put cards in at the wedding. The idea was to have one place to keep all the cards so they wouldn’t get lost and it was a great idea! The morning after the wedding we gathered at my mom’s house to open gifts. At some point someone mentioned the cards and no one could find the box. I can’t remember exactly what was discussed at that point but Patrick and I were anxious to get going. We drove to San Francisco and flew to Puerto Rico where we left on a 7 day cruise.

While we began our honeymoon, our families were trying to solve the mystery of the card box. It was determined that the box had been placed on the roof of a van while a child was being buckled into a car seat in the garage of our new apartment. The box fell off somewhere between that apartment complex and my mom’s house. Family members walked most or maybe all of the route in a fruitless search for the box.

We called to check in a few days later and at that point our families had taken on the awkward task of trying to determine what had been in the box. Some guests had written checks that could be canceled and rewritten. Some had given us gift cards or cash so those were lost. A few weeks later a friend was in a meat market where he had purchased a gift certificate for us. The meat market was owned by friends of his and he was visiting when someone came in and tried to redeem the gift certificate. They got it back but didn’t get any info on the person and from that point on we knew that the box had been found and someone chose to keep our cards and the gifts inside them.

At first I was sad and then we felt victimized. I just couldn’t believe someone would be so cold- hearted. The relative who had placed the box on the roof of the van felt really bad and actually sent us a new tv as a gift. We wanted to send it back since it wasn’t his fault but were finally convinced that he was not going to feel better unless we accepted it.

As the years went by the impact of this seemed smaller and smaller. The loss of the card box was not going to ruin the memories we had of a fabulous time in our lives. Sure we thought about what we could have done with the money but eventually it just became a distant memory.

I share this as a reminder that sometimes we go through situations that seem like the end of the world but eventually those memories are softened by time and you realize they were just a tiny blip. Just to clarify, I am NOT comparing the loss of the cards to the loss of Patrick! They were two different types of losses. Losing Patrick will always have a big impact on me. My main point is, “Don’t let bad experiences define you.” This experience taught me that what really matters is love and family. You can have all the money in the world but I would rather have the people I love. When I look back on my wedding, the card box is a very small part of the memories, and the rest are JOYOUS!

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Social media

I always wanted Patrick to have a smartphone so it would be easier to send pictures and texts back and forth. And of course I wanted to send him cute emoticons! He was anti-mainstream and would never choose to do something just because that’s what everyone did. Once he dropped his phone in the lake and I had a new phone for him before he got home. He had made comments about not wanting a phone and I didn’t want him driving around without one. Unfortunately that was before smartphones or that’s what I would have bought him! His flip phone was so ancient that they were sending him messages that it would no longer be supported.

He was also fiercely anti social media. He didn’t want any internet presence but finally began to allow videos on Youtube. He didn’t understand the appeal of Facebook. I found some of his fraternity brothers and became friends with them just so we would have a way to contact them if he ever wanted to. One time I noticed that one of them was online and I told him he. Plus chat with him. He got on my computer and they chatted for a few minutes. Then he wanted to know the protocol for ending the conversation. He felt it was kind of impersonal and awkward.

Many of you would be surprised to learn that he DID create a Facebook account several months before he died. He decided that it would be a nice way to store photos and videos but he wanted it to be secret. He was really annoyed that he needed his own email address to do it since I was using the one I shared with him. After he created a gmail account he started working on his secret Facebook profile. Then he got annoyed with some of the things he was being asked and said it was too complicated. He deleted the account but was mad that it would take 14 days. Then he tried to delete his gmail but they required a forwarding address so he was mad about that too and went on a rant about how ridiculous it was. Since April many people have pointed out the irony of his large internet presence now.

I’ll admit I wished he was on Facebook so I could put him on my relationship status. I know that is silly since neither one of us needed an affirmation of love. But I was always proud to be his wife so I was bummed that he wasn’t on Facebook.

Today I decided to edit my Facebook profile. I took out the happily married mother of two wording a while back but couldn’t bring myself to change my relationship status from married to widowed. I didn’t want it to be like I was advertising my status. I decided to check the profiles of a few other widows I know and what I found broke my heart. A few didn’t list a relationship status and a few said still married. A lot said married to …with a link to the husband’s profile. I can’t imagine how much harder that would make it because they would need to delete their relationship in order to change their status! Suddenly I was glad he wasn’t on Facebook! And yes, it did occur to me that maybe I shouldn’t point out the relationship status to my widowed friends. I laughed as soon as I thought this because of course they know that they are no longer married.

I did end up changing my status to widowed. I just felt like it was time.