Yesterday was my first day of retirement. It’s kind of funny because I know it’s not forever, I will have to work again. I didn’t do anything exciting. I did school work and went for a walk in between rain showers. Since it’s January I thought I would try to develop some healthy habits. I used to walk regularly and I honestly can’t remember the last walk I took. I went on the new sidewalk on Temperance for the first time and I think it was finished over the summer.
For so long I just did the bare minimum of everything. I think I did okay with recognizing my limits. I knew exercise would be good for my spirits but I just didn’t make it a priority. Ironically one of the last times I walked this route was the Monday after Easter. Sierra and Camille were both out of school and I encouraged Patrick to take the day off and drive to the coast with them. Work was busy for me and I knew he needed a break. They drove over to San Luis Obispo and Pismo Beach for the day and went to his favorite lunch place, Lincoln Deli. They have great sandwiches and a great selection of micro-brewery beer so he loved it! He and I went there on our 23rd anniversary trip. We took the PT cruiser convertible and parked it in the sloped parking area next to the deli. We were ordering our sandwiches when someone came in and said, “Is anyone driving a PT cruiser? It’s in the street!” He was so excited to be there that he had not put the car in park. It rolled back into the street but thankfully hit nothing. I still laugh when I think about it.
I know they had a great time and I’m happy they went since it turned out to be their last trip together. That day I went for a late afternoon walk. I wasn’t sure when they were coming home and I was kind of waiting to hear from them. I think I may have tried to text one of them and they were probably in the area between Paso Robles and Kettleman City with no cell reception. I had this passing thought about how awful it would be if something happened to them. I pictured getting a phone call and becoming completely hysterical. I told myself I was being ridiculous and before long I did hear from them and all was well. That flashed through my mind and it reminded me that as bad as this experience was, it wasn’t the worst thing that could’ve happened and I’m grateful that I still have my girls.
I do have lots of plans for my pseudo-retirement. Someone asked if I would be working on my bucket list. So far that includes cleaning out the garage and doing more organizing and cleaning. It’s an ongoing process but it has been a good, healing activity to organize and make small changes. I’m not trying to remove Patrick’s memory but it seems to make things easier if I make slight changes. Maybe it’s just the fact that I am moving forward?
I’m also going to tackle the closet at some point. There are still a lot of his things in there. I’m not giving myself a timetable but I know that at some point I will decide to clear it out. I guess that just seems like such a final thing so I’m not rushing myself.
Another to-do item is ordering his headstone. I’m not sure why but I just agonize over that. I want it to be perfect and I just can’t decide exactly what I want on it. It will actually be my headstone too so that’s kind of creepy! I am not putting any of my info on it yet. My Grandpa Hatch did that when my Grandma Janell died and I always hated seeing his name on there. Ironically he remarried and died in Arkansas so he was never buried in that grave. Part of me wants to just make it a full Patrick headstone and who cares how they do it after I’m gone! I know that many people visit his grave more often than I do so I apologize that there is just a small marker. I’m working on it but it’s a slow process for me.
For now I’m just going to tackle one thing at a time. Eventually I will plan something fun. I have lots of time. I’m retired! 😉