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First on the scene

This week is going to be difficult for me. We have a court appearance on Thursday and I believe there will be sentencing and we are supposed to be prepared to speak if we choose to. I wrote a statement months ago and I probably won’t change it much but I will agonize over it until it is time to read it. What do you say to the man who hit and killed your husband and the father of your children? I feel like I need to be really mean and angry but I honestly am not capable of doing that. I have asked my brother to speak also. He is an eloquent writer and speaker and he will be able to convey the anger better than I can. I will still speak because he needs to know just what he took away from us.

Yesterday I spoke with the physical therapist who happened to be one of the first people on the scene. I spoke with him in April and had been meaning to talk again when I had more time. I’m not sharing his name because I didn’t ask for permission but it was very comforting both times I spoke to him. He got there moments after the car hit Patrick and he confirmed that Patrick was already gone. There were other bystanders there and they prayed over Patrick and then attempted CPR until paramedics arrived. The driver prayed with them.

He has been profoundly affected by this as you might expect and he was more than happy to talk to me and answer any questions that he could. He felt somewhat guilty that he was not able to do anything. I reassured him that I know there was nothing he could do. I didn’t think of this last night but it just occurred to me that maybe God put him there so that I would know that there was a loving person who prayed over Patrick and was able to tell me that he appeared at peace and didn’t suffer. This meant so much to me! The first time we met, at Patrick’s rosary, he told me that he and his wife had been praying for the girls and I and she wanted me to know that she was sending her love. I spoke to her last night for the first time and she is also a kind and loving person. I’m adding them to the list of my new forever friends.

I hadn’t really thought much about the other people who were there and I have no idea who they were. I am guessing it is possible that some of you know who they are. If so, I would love to be put in contact with them and thank them for stopping.

Please think of our family on Thursday. This won’t be easy but it will be good when it is behind us.

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Guilt

A few days ago I was driving home from an appointment, enjoying my heated seats and the stereo in my new car. I was thinking of how much I love my new gym, and I was feeling unusually happy. Inevitably when this happens I feel guilty because I probably wouldn’t be enjoying any of these things if Patrick were still here.

Getting used to living without your spouse is really hard. First of all, there is the actual living…waking up, getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating. None of those things were easy at first. I went through the motions and eventually it got a little easier. Once you master continuing to be alive, you have to decide if you are ever going to really LIVE again. That is a little harder to come to terms with.

A lot has changed for me and not all of it is awful. I am in school, learning new things. I am recently taking better care of myself. I am cooking and kind of enjoying it a little. I am keeping my house tidy so that someone else can come and really clean it! lol I’ve learned to do more around the house and yard. I have a lot of new friends and deeper relationships with older friends. I get paid to be retired! My retirement future is honestly more secure than it would have been. I will get to enjoy my retirement years.

My life is pretty ok right now and it really sucks that he is not here to enjoy it with me! The thing is, as much as losing him sucks, it happened, it’s my reality. It makes no sense that God would take him from the girls and I, but we don’t always get to know the reason. And even though most of my new life would have never been, it IS. As I like to say, “It is, what it is”. This is the life I have been given. I could choose to spend all of my time mourning or I can choose to live.

I decided to look up the meaning of “It is what it is” and it’s actually kind of harsh and uses multiple curse words but it does sum things up perfectly. This is the way it’s going to be! Deal with it! I’m putting the link in case you want to see it.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=It%20is%20what%20it%20is

I am going to try and enjoy things without guilt. I know this is what he would’ve wanted.
I’m not going to apologize for knowing my new friends or enjoying my car. This doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him. I will always think about him. Every. Single. Day. Hopefully it will be with a smile on my face.

Earlier I was sitting at Camille’s soccer game. As is typical we weren’t happy with some of the calls and the other coach was a little obnoxious. One of the dads was being quite vocal about it and his wife scolded him a little. I laughed to myself and thought this was the first time I was happy Patrick was not there. He probably would have considered it s challenge to be more obnoxious and I would have been stressed that he was going to get the ref angry. I would have said “PATRICK!!!!!!!” many times! This would have been said very quickly and somewhat quietly because he didn’t like to be scolded. And MAYBE he would have listened or probably he would have just gotten up and walked away. If I’m being honest, I guess I would have been happy to deal with him if he could have been there. Instead, I just laughed and smiled. It doesn’t always hurt unbearably and it’s good when I have a happy or funny memory.

I will keep working on the guilt. I think it’s going to be a work in progress and that’s fine.

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Aches and pains

Retirement is a lot busier than you might think! I never believed it when retired people told me this but I seem to have a lot more to do! I have to keep reminding myself to have patience since I want to do so many things at once.

I never imagined that I would be a full time student again. My program is designed around people who work. I only take one class at a time for 8 weeks. The class I am in right now is a lot of work and I am so thankful that I don’t have to work on top of doing my course work. I have had to relearn academic writing and study habits. I had terrible study habits when I did my undergraduate degree. Now that I am older and presumably wiser I see the value in planning out my work so that I have adequate time to finish it. I really can’t believe how much time I spend on school work. I think I care more this time around. I don’t like to do poorly so I am always striving to improve each week.

Patrick was always much more disciplined than I was in college. I know he worked a lot harder than I did. His classes were a lot harder and he was dedicated to being the best he could be. He always set high standards for himself. Even when I went to visit he made time for homework. I think he instilled this work ethic in his daughters and I know he would be proud of them.

Sierra is back at Long Beach for her last semester. In a few months she will be graduating and then Camille graduates a week later. I am trying to prepare myself but I fully expect to be an emotional wreck. I am happy that he was here for most of their school years. It’s really hard not having him now. The girls are mostly grown so there really aren’t a lot of “decisions” left to be made but I am so used to discussing everything with him. We would problem solve or just share the joy being parents brought to us.

I am getting used to doing more things on my own. Tonight was trash night so I cleaned leftovers out of the fridge. This reminded me of Patrick’s weekly Wednesday night ritual. I would be cleaning the kitchen and he would announce that it was trash night and he would proceed to take containers out of the fridge and empty the food into the trash. Then he would add the containers to my pile of dishes. I would get so annoyed! Many times I was almost done with the dishes and looking forward to relaxing. I would kind of glare at him and he would be surprised since he was just helping. Why did I get annoyed? Looking back now it is so silly. The things that we waste energy on! I would spend all day washes dishes for another 15 minutes with him! I realize that hindsight is 20-20 and that we tend to only focus on the positive qualities of loved ones who have gone before us. I know he wasn’t perfect but he was a good man. If I had it to do over I would spend more time showing him how much he was loved and appreciated and less time being annoyed about silly things!

I’m on my second week of workouts. I got my boxing gloves and so far I have only used them in workouts. I like having them. It makes me feel tough! LOL. I’m not as sore this week as I was last week. I have had a variety of aches and pains and I am wondering how “normal” people deal with these. Patrick graduated from PT school in 1991 and became my personal, in home, physical therapist. He was good too! Sometimes the “massages” were not very relaxing and I knew that I could expect to be sore for a few days. The pain was worth it because once the few days had gone by I would be much improved. Now I am not quite sure what to do when something really hurts. Admittedly most of the things he treated over the years would not have warranted a Drs visit. He might whine a little but he always took care of me. He also was my only therapist after my hip replacement. Most people go to physical therapy after hip replacements but he did my therapy at home. Then he would tell me what I could and couldn’t do. Skiing was out which was not a big loss since I was never good at it. Running was also out.

If he were still here, I would keep him SO busy with my new fitness regimen. He would be happy that I was working out but probably have second thoughts when I came home everyday with a new sore spot or a question about what I could or couldn’t do. I know I drove him crazy at times but I am so grateful that he put up with me! I really miss him.!

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Patience – 1/21/17

This was originally published on 1/21/17. I still have a lot of blogs to transfer over from Tumblr but I needed this as I am going to reference it in another entry I am writing today!

“I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.”

Margaret Thatcher

The leader of my widow support group challenged us to pick one word for 2017. The instructions involved putting a little thought into it and I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it. With school work and all I didn’t really want another assignment. I thought it might take too long to figure it out, but then it came to me, “PATIENCE.”

This might seem like an odd choice for me. In some ways I am a very patient person. I also sometimes have a need for instant gratification. This is the reason I liked gambling so much, in fact, too much! Last year the girls and I spoiled ourselves a little so I had a lot of instant gratification (not gambling though). But we can’t live like that forever.

Patrick has been gone nine months today. Most of the time I wish I could travel back in time to spend more time with him or relive happy memories. I know that is not my reality so the rest of the time I wish I could fast forward to a time when the grief is not so bad. I know it will never go away but I have heard it does get somewhat easier and that’s where I want to be. The thing is, I have also heard that you can’t hold it in, you have to work through it. So that’s where patience comes in.

“No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time.”

Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

I need to accept that everything takes time. I can’t blink my eyes and be laughing and smiling all the time, I need to be patient. I want to be in better shape and lose weight. That won’t happen overnight and if I want to develop good habits, really lifestyle changes, I need to be patient.

I’ve talked about all of the different things I want to do to get organized and I know I can’t do them all at once. I have already been exercising some patience by just accepting that I will get things done as I get them done, it’s not going to happen overnight.

Patrick was much more patient than I am. I’m pretty sure that I probably tried to convince him that we should get married sooner but he stuck to the plan. Maybe the long (to me) wait for the proposal was a little lesson for me, be patient, good things are to come.

I think we could all use a little more patience in life. One thing I like about my new workouts is that we don’t spend too much time on any one exercise. So even if it is something I hate, or I am really tired, I know I just have to hang in there for a bit longer and then we will move on to something else. Patience is knowing that if you keep walking through the darkness, eventually there will be light again.

As hard as losing Patrick has been, I know I will experience joy, happiness and love again and again in my life. It’s not going to happen overnight, so I just have to be patient.

“Patience is power.
Patience is not an absence of action;
rather it is “timing”
it waits on the right time to act,
for the right principles
and in the right way.“

Fulton J. Sheen


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Working through the pain

The pain is almost unbearable at times. I try not to think about it but even the simplest tasks have become hard. Why am I so weak? Why am I so out of shape?!

I love having “good” pain for a change. Okay, I really don’t love the pain but at least I know there will be a reward. I have been inspired by several friends to join Urban Block Fitness. I’m doing a 6 week challenge and working out every day at 7 AM. Did I mention I am NOT a morning person? I picked that time slot to join my friends Craig and Linda Crews. So far I haven’t cursed at them but I get my boxing gloves on Thursday so who knows what could happen?

The workout is unlike anything I’ve done before. It’s a lot of different strength and cardio activities and honestly, except for the pain, I am really enjoying it.

I’m also trying to change my eating habits so I am using Juice Plus, inspired by another friend, Alicia Marzette. Wow, I’m like a commercial!

I’m doing this for me but also for the girls and especially for Patrick. He always loved me, no matter what. And he told me I was beautiful at times when I didn’t feel good about how I looked. But I know he worried about my health and I owe it to him to take better care of myself. I know I can do it. I’m competitive and I may not look like it now but there’s an athlete somewhere inside of me!

Patrick and I both ran Varsity Cross Country and Track in High School. He ran for Hoover and I ran for Clovis High. We were probably at many of the same meets but we never met until after our first year of college. I tried to continue running but just didn’t have much discipline. Really I stuck with running so long because I liked being on the team. I wasn’t the best runner but a few times I was able to score points for the team. I made lifelong friends and my coaches had a big impact on my life. In fact I probably would have never met Patrick if I didn’t end up working for John Prandini, who is Carlo’s brother.

Over the years I tried different things while Patrick consistently did the same things and was always in good shape. I joined gyms and he rode his bike to work. I quit gyms and he rode his bike to work in the rain. We tried jogging together but he was too serious about exercise and He would literally start running circles around me. When the girls were young we would put them in the stroller and go for long walks. That eventually stopped when they got too big to stay in the stroller but too small to walk with us.

I’m embarrassed to admit this but when we were first married I recorded 3 ½ hours of Soaps each day. I watched Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, As The World Turns and Guiding Light. We decided to buy some kind of stepping or gliding machine so I could do cardio in front of the TV. And guess what? I quit watching Soaps!

After my hip replacement in 2006 I was more limited so we got a recumbent bike. I like having it because it was a great place to hang clothes after doing the laundry. By this point Patrick rarely rode to work because he worked too close and it wasn’t enough of a workout. So he would get up and either run or ride his bike then shower and take a leisurely ride to work or just drive there. He trained for and ran two marathons but he didn’t understand the need to make such a spectacle out of it so he mostly just ran around the neighborhood.

In 2008 he and the girls bought me a mountain bike for Mother’s Day. And I finally found something that I enjoyed. After a few months of riding I began training for a Century Ride and eventually bought a road bike. I did well with this at first but I got to the point where I thought that if I rode 30 or 50 miles I could eat whatever I wanted and that didn’t work out to well.

No matter what, he kept working out. He was in perfect health, never sick and he died riding his bike for exercise. Due to the circumstances, we didn’t even have the option of donating all of those healthy organs. This occurred to me days later and it really made me sad.

I still have my bikes. They are gathering dust. I’ve ridden a handful of times and maybe I will ride more someday but I just can’t do it right now.

We’ll see how I do with my latest venture into exercising. He would have been pleased but probably skeptical. Hopefully, for once, I can stick with it. If I can just get through the pain!

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Calming the chaos – 1/13/17

This was originally published on my Tumblr blog and I hadn’t moved it over yet. I’m moving it now to go with a new post on the same topic!

In the aftermath of Patrick’s death there has been ongoing disorganization in my household. The initial disorganization was the chaos in my mind as I struggled to take what was once my dependable life and reorganize it into an unexpected future. I call this widow fog or grief fog and it still reappears at times.

Disorganization is actually a really good word for the mental state I have been in. Since early in our relationship we had been on this life path that was pretty carefully planned out. The plan went on and on but suddenly he was gone. I’m still trying to process the fact that the original plan is finished and the new plan is not complete. The remaining items in the plan mainly involved the girls. Get them through school, hopefully marriage someday and eventually grandchildren. Those things will still happen, just not as planned. The more obvious disorganization is in the house.

On the day he died and for weeks afterward I ceased to care about my house. Aside from my initial concern that it was cluttered, once the worst was confirmed I simply didn’t care. Other people took care of things. People brought food and things like water, paper plates, paper towels… different people cleaned up. Items found temporary new homes. Things needed to be done and everyone knew I didn’t care where they put the dishes after they were washed. I caused some disorganization as I searched for pictures and other items to display at the service. I was obsessed with capturing his essence and I seem to keep pictures in a lot of different places. I also spent time going through drawers and boxes looking for things. I didn’t care about putting things back exactly as I found them. We are approaching 9 months and I am still disentangling the chaos. Sometimes I just don’t understand how there is still so much.

The garage especially confounds me. Patrick had a weight machine in the garage. The area around it had to be clear in order for him to workout, which he did multiple times each week. That area is now one big pile of confusion. I finally figured out that there was a home for everything but Patrick’s preferred method of storage was based on the game Tetris. I’m convinced that there is only one way to put things back and only he knew that.

Some things belong in hard to reach places or involve a feat of physical strength to get them put away. Like most garages we probably need about 1/5 of the things we have in there. And I guarantee you that Patrick would have said it was a smaller number. A tenth, or even smaller. He always joked about renting a dumpster and putting most of what we own in it because, “We have too much stuff”.

I have a housekeeper now and I know he would definitely have an opinion about this. In fact I know what his opinion was. Even though we never had a housekeeper he always said that people had to clean up before the housekeeper came. Once this was done, why do you need a housekeeper? I am paying them to clean toilets, vacuum and dust. The biggest service they are providing is motivation. Every two weeks everything needs to be in it’s “home”, ready for the housekeepers. So far this has been accomplished by having a few off limits rooms. Last time I made it my mission to get the sunroom at a point where they could at least clean most of it. The loft/office area is next on the list.

I really can’t stress enough what a mental boost it is to have things clean and organized. Maybe it is just me and other people wouldn’t care? I try to go to Goodwill every week or two. I know I could have a garage sale but I am not willing to store items in anticipation of that. Sometimes you need to do it in stages. I did some organizing and downsizing in the kitchen over the summer and I am planning to do it again at some point. This week I tackled the spice cabinet, which was ridiculous! Who thought up the Tupperware spice containers? I had the full set, carefully labeled with various spices. I don’t normally cook very much! Patrick pretty much used salt, pepper, garlic and hot sauce. And did you know that most spices are really only good for around 12 months! I had no clue! And the spice companies are smart! A lot of them are not labeled with a use by date. So, you’re already at a disadvantage and then you put them in a Tupperware container with no date!!!??? I threw out at least 4/5 of the spices in the cabinet. I’m too embarrassed to tell you the oldest confirmed date on a spice but it was older than Sierra. 😂😂😂 And seriously, I bet the Tupperware ones were even older!

Yesterday I was working on the loft, going through pictures and greeting cards. I have a lot of random unused cards. I like to keep some on hand but I also forget to take them with a gift so I found several age specific children’s cards and I set them aside even though I probably won’t remember that I already have a card for a 2 year old’s birthday. I also found “To The Special Man I married”. I know there are more like this. We didn’t always make a big fuss about birthdays and I always intended to give him his card… But life is busy and a card for your spouse is not one that you quickly sign. There is so much to say. I really wish I had taken the time to write those words and give him that card. I’m not going to dwell on it, he knew I loved him. But if I had it to do over again…

Today I will organize a little more and I will keep working on it until everything has a place and is neatly stored there. Hopefully the organization will clear a little more of the fog. I need to be able to see what lies ahead on my new path.

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Retirement plans

Yesterday was my first day of retirement. It’s kind of funny because I know it’s not forever, I will have to work again. I didn’t do anything exciting. I did school work and went for a walk in between rain showers. Since it’s January I thought I would try to develop some healthy habits. I used to walk regularly and I honestly can’t remember the last walk I took. I went on the new sidewalk on Temperance for the first time and I think it was finished over the summer.

For so long I just did the bare minimum of everything. I think I did okay with recognizing my limits. I knew exercise would be good for my spirits but I just didn’t make it a priority. Ironically one of the last times I walked this route was the Monday after Easter. Sierra and Camille were both out of school and I encouraged Patrick to take the day off and drive to the coast with them. Work was busy for me and I knew he needed a break. They drove over to San Luis Obispo and Pismo Beach for the day and went to his favorite lunch place, Lincoln Deli. They have great sandwiches and a great selection of micro-brewery beer so he loved it! He and I went there on our 23rd anniversary trip. We took the PT cruiser convertible and parked it in the sloped parking area next to the deli. We were ordering our sandwiches when someone came in and said, “Is anyone driving a PT cruiser? It’s in the street!” He was so excited to be there that he had not put the car in park. It rolled back into the street but thankfully hit nothing. I still laugh when I think about it.

I know they had a great time and I’m happy they went since it turned out to be their last trip together. That day I went for a late afternoon walk. I wasn’t sure when they were coming home and I was kind of waiting to hear from them. I think I may have tried to text one of them and they were probably in the area between Paso Robles and Kettleman City with no cell reception. I had this passing thought about how awful it would be if something happened to them. I pictured getting a phone call and becoming completely hysterical. I told myself I was being ridiculous and before long I did hear from them and all was well. That flashed through my mind and it reminded me that as bad as this experience was, it wasn’t the worst thing that could’ve happened and I’m grateful that I still have my girls.

I do have lots of plans for my pseudo-retirement. Someone asked if I would be working on my bucket list. So far that includes cleaning out the garage and doing more organizing and cleaning. It’s an ongoing process but it has been a good, healing activity to organize and make small changes. I’m not trying to remove Patrick’s memory but it seems to make things easier if I make slight changes. Maybe it’s just the fact that I am moving forward?

I’m also going to tackle the closet at some point. There are still a lot of his things in there. I’m not giving myself a timetable but I know that at some point I will decide to clear it out. I guess that just seems like such a final thing so I’m not rushing myself.

Another to-do item is ordering his headstone. I’m not sure why but I just agonize over that. I want it to be perfect and I just can’t decide exactly what I want on it. It will actually be my headstone too so that’s kind of creepy! I am not putting any of my info on it yet. My Grandpa Hatch did that when my Grandma Janell died and I always hated seeing his name on there. Ironically he remarried and died in Arkansas so he was never buried in that grave. Part of me wants to just make it a full Patrick headstone and who cares how they do it after I’m gone! I know that many people visit his grave more often than I do so I apologize that there is just a small marker. I’m working on it but it’s a slow process for me.

For now I’m just going to tackle one thing at a time. Eventually I will plan something fun. I have lots of time. I’m retired! 😉

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#DONTDRIVEDUMB

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone! Tonight I will be alone at midnight because someone chose to drive while impaired. My resolution for 2017 is to devote time and energy to prevent this from happening to others. Luckily I don’t have to reinvent the wheel in order to make a difference. I am in contact with www.wesavelives.org and will be working with them to see what I can do to make a difference. I challenge all of you to also do what you can to make a difference. Here are some suggestions:

1- #DONTDRIVEDUMB – This is a no brainer but it’s obviously still a problem. If you are impaired in any way, legally or not, don’t get behind the wheel of a car.

2- Don’t be afraid – it might be uncomfortable to call someone out if they are clearly impaired and getting ready to drive. But it’s probably a lot more uncomfortable knowing you could have prevented a tragedy. Suck it up Buttercup! Take a stand and tell them not to drive! Here is a link to some helpful hints, including intervention techniques: www.wesavelives.org/its-party-time/

3- Watch and share this video – https://youtu.be/mAFpkKL6c6w

4- Learn more – www.wesavelives.org/3ds/drugged-driving/

5- Donate – In memory of Patrick or any other victim of drunk, drugged or distracted driving www.wesavelives.org/donate/

Be safe out there tonight! Life is precious!