Only three days left in 2016 and I am hoping that 2017 is a better year. I made it through Christmas with a few tough moments. You can plan all you want but usually I am surprised at the small things that trigger the tears. A friend had mentioned custom gift tags and I was prepared to find the ones I recycle every year but I wasn’t prepared to find one on a gift bag I was reusing. I was wrapping a present for Camille and the bag had a tag on it already. The tag said To: Camille so I was thinking it was perfect. Then I realized it said From: Mom & Dad. I was worried about the ones with Patrick on them, forgetting that there were a lot more that said Dad.
We didn’t end up putting up stockings or decorating the tree. We got the lights and the angel on the tree. The angel kind of fell over and that seemed appropriate. No one really felt the need to do any more. We did put up the nativity, a Christmas village and a few other things. That was enough. Maybe next year we will want to do more. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning were good. In the afternoon we went to the large Prandini get together and that was really hard. Patrick loved being there, visiting with family and eating raviolis. I felt close to him but also felt his absence. I knew it would be hard but it was also wonderful being with everyone. We all had a hard year and there was nowhere else I wanted to be.
Today was another hearing and there will be another one in February. It’s really hard being there since nothing that happens will change the fact that Patrick is gone. Since the charge is a misdemeanor, all of the hearings are in a misdemeanor courtroom, which is not like what you see on TV. A lot of misdemeanor charges are resolved with one court appearance and the actual time spent there is very brief. So, at any given time, there are a lot of people sitting around waiting for their case to be called. We walk in and we usually take up almost a third of the seats. People line up before the doors open and then they usually go sit in the middle of the row so you basically have to climb over them. It’s very impersonal and kind of offensive that Patrick’s case doesn’t warrant it’s own courtroom.
Another difference from TV is that there is no special section for families of the defendant and the victim. And since there are really only 3 rows you might end up next to them or right behind them, like I was today. On the way out, one of them spoke to me. I think she was his aunt or possibly his grandma. My brain gets a little foggy at times like this. She told me she was sorry, it was an accident and she was praying for us. This was not well received by everyone in my family. We are all dealing with various degrees of pain and anger and everyone is very protective of me. I choose to believe that she was telling me that her nephew/grandson did not intentionally set out to kill Patrick. I never thought he did but I do believe his choices led to this tragedy. I felt that it was brave and kind for her to speak to me. If I were in the same position I would have felt compelled to say something too.
Today the defendant appeared almost happy and this was also upsetting to many. However, he had four family members there and I suspect at least one was his child. I have to think that made him happy. Unfortunately the penalty options are limited so there is really no part of this that is going to make everyone in the family happy. We just have to try to get through it.
I often wonder what Patrick would think or feel about all of this. I think his number one priority would be to shield us from pain as much as possible. I always keep that in mind. I feel that one of the greatest gifts that he left me with is the knowledge that whatever I do, whatever decisions I make, it is okay. I don’t need to agonize over things, I still have his love and support. However I act or feel is the right way. I think he would want to make sure that this didn’t happen to anyone else but at the end of the day, his family would be his priority.
As we left court today a flock of birds flew by. I think there were at least two ostriches or pterodactyls because they left two humongous sprays of bird poop on my car, yeah, the new one! The crap all over the window kind of summed up how we all felt. We had a good laugh and after dropping everyone off I immediately went through a car wash. Life is going to send a lot of crap our way and it’s not always pleasant. I choose to let it wash away. I won’t forget it but I don’t have to carry it around. I don’t mean to oversimplify the whole grief thing but I think really you just have to get through however you can. Embrace the positive and let the pain wash away as much as possible.