Christmas is only seven days away. I can’t believe it’s almost here. I am so unprepared. I haven’t done much shopping and we still need a tree. Of course I don’t have as much shopping to do this year and I’m not really prepared for that reality. Honestly, I’m a little nervous about the emotions. I’ve been able to hold it together for the most part but I am dreading Christmas Day. I’m also looking forward to having it behind me.
Patrick was always hard to buy for. He didn’t like to spend money on himself and rarely felt he needed anything. In past years I have constantly been on the lookout for gifts that he would like. This year I find myself continuing to do that. I’ll see something and get excited and then I remember… Almost eight months later and it still doesn’t seem real. I keep thinking I will get to the point where I always remember that he is gone but right now I “remember” multiple times per day and it’s always jarring.
Last night Sierra and I did a little decorating. She found Aggie’s stocking and suddenly she burst into tears. I knew exactly what the tears were for because it’s been in the back of my mind too. The stockings…
Patrick and his siblings all had personalized hand-knit stockings when they were growing up. I thought this was really cool. Having a name like Danell, I was never able to find personalized items. His mom also had someone make them for the grandchildren. I asked her if I could order one for myself and of course she ordered it and paid for it. So now we have four stockings. And the stocking hangers are letters. L-O-V-E. We set the stockings aside for now. Yet another reminder of all that has changed.
We are used to change by now. In fact, we almost thrive on change. If something doesn’t go the way we planned and disappointment starts to set in, we tell ourselves that this is not the worst thing that has ever happened to us. We know what it is like when the worst happens and we made it through that. If we got through that, we can get through anything.
Friday we were prepared to go to a soccer tournament in Bakersfield. I was excited to see the team play again and I was taking my car on the first road trip. I had plans to stay with my cousin Kelly and Sierra was meeting us there. The team was excited for their only overnight trip. We were all disappointed when the tournament was cancelled at the last minute. I invited the team over for dinner and a sleepover. All but a few accepted. I’m sure some people thought I was crazy but I will never turn down the opportunity to fill my house with joy and these girls are joyful! They played music and laughed. I think there was dancing too. I was prepared for little sleep but amazingly they all went to sleep around 1:30. They blew up air mattresses and found couch space and then it was very quiet. I suspect that the captain’s (probably Peyton) told them it was time to sleep and of course they listened! Sierra got home during the party so we hung out together in my room and smiled at all of the happy sounds.
The team will always hold a special place in my heart because I associate them with wonderful memories from our last months with Patrick. I felt blessed to get to experience them having fun.
This week will be hard. We will try to find time for laughter and that will help. I know we will make it through because we are surrounded by love, just like we have been for the past eight months. And honestly, this won’t be the worst thing we have been through. Merry Christmas!!🎄🎁