8/16/20 – I have never finished moving my Tumblr posts to this blog. Bear with me while I catch up!
One of the hardest things to deal with these days is loneliness. Not the “I’m alone and have no one to hang out with” kind. I miss having someone who loves me. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. I miss having someone who will hold me if I need to cry. I miss having a husband. I miss MY husband. Unfortunately, this is the kind of lonely that can’t be filled right now.
I am not interested in meeting someone new at this point so let’s not even start those discussions. I do have the capacity to love again but I think I would be very, very picky. I was always grateful that I didn’t have to experience much of the “dating” scene and I still don’t have any desire to do that. I’m thankful that I have connected with a lot of fellow widows. Some are friends who lost their husband before I did. Some are new friends and some of those I have never even met in person. They “get” it.
The nice thing about knowing so many is that they are all at different points. Some are even remarried. I feel hopeful when I see that they have moved forward and are able to function. That is comforting. Some days I wonder how I am even able to go on without him. Seeing others who are moving forward gives me hope.
Every day I am surprised that I still have such raw feelings. I can go for longer periods feeling relatively okay and there are a lot of times I even feel happy. Still, I am randomly assaulted with vivid memories. They don’t have to be anything major. Today Matt taught me how to massage some of the swelling out of Camille’s ankle. As I was doing it she casually mentioned times that Patrick had also done this. In a way it made me feel close to him but I was also incredibly sad that he was not here to do it.
My birthday ended up being mostly okay. I was really sad early in the day and I decided that I would give myself permission to mourn. Not that I haven’t been mourning but I try not to do too much at once. I allowed myself to cry a little and that was good since it tends to build up. Later in the day, I got flowers from Sierra! I had worried that at some point someone would send my flowers at a time when he might have. And I really didn’t like the idea of “sympathy” flowers. Getting them from Sierra was perfect and it was a nice surprise. I really do have awesome kids and I will always be grateful for that.
I had a nice dinner with my family. I thought Denise and I had an understanding about putting candles on the cake and singing. I failed to request that she not have the musical act and the ENTIRE restaurant sing to me. Lol. Someday revenge will be mine!
Today I saw an online ad for a new kind of wine stopper. I immediately thought of Patrick. I may just need to order some as surprise gifts for people. They would think of Patrick immediately. Did I mention that they were called the “Happy Man” wine stoppers? 😂😂😂 He definitely would have ordered them to go with the “special” lighters. As Patrick’s wife, I am responsible for keeping the memory of his crazy sense of humor alive. Consider yourself warned. 😜😜😜