Another difficult day – 12/01/16

Originally posted on 12/01/16.

Today was a really hard day for me. We had our second court appearance. I’m not supposed to go into a lot of detail about the case. Although I wonder how much of a difference it would make since the potential sentence is already so small. Let me just say that the whole legal system is complex and sluggish. Nothing happens quickly and there are always surprises. Each step of the way something new comes up that affects the way I feel and right now I don’t even know how to feel about the whole thing. Since it is a misdemeanor case it is done in a busy courtroom with a lot of other issues going on at the same time. They usually do ours first, probably since we have so many spectators. A lot of the people sitting around us are there for their own cases and I’m sure they want to clear us out of there to make room, which is fine. While we were waiting I glanced to my left and a young lady gave me a warm smile and a nod. I later found out that she was part of the defendant’s family, maybe his wife. I’m not sure if she knew who I was but I kind of think she did. I choose to interpret the look as some sort of gesture of compassion. With that and other things that were being discussed I just felt that there was no point in being there. Nothing that is happening there will bring Patrick back and I really just wanted to be somewhere else.

The other hard part is that I’m not the only one hurting. I was trying to keep my tears inside but if I looked around I could see the pain in everyone else’s faces. I hurt for me. I hurt for Sierra and Camille. My heart breaks for Barbara, who is sitting next to me. And everyone else there. So much pain.

After the hearing the DA takes us into the cafeteria to answer questions and discuss the next hearing date. As different family members speak there are more tears. And suddenly I realize this is what has become of my marriage. For 24 years Patrick was the closest person to me. We shared everything that was happening in our lives. Decisions, plans, dreams… His life was mine. It’s really hard to put this into words but it suddenly felt like this tight little circle was broken. I don’t want this to sound like I don’t want others to care or that anyone is upsetting me but this whole situation kind of steals the intimacy of our relationship. I’m not even sure if that makes sense but it was just how I felt today. And I just didn’t want to be there anymore.

Later in the day I went to Camille’s first soccer game of the season. I’ve been anticipating this for months. Last season was really exciting and will always be a special memory for me. And the girls and their families have shown us so much love and support that I was really happy to be around them all again. But I also felt Patrick’s absence. I wanted to share the excitement with him and I kept imagining things he would say. And Camille is still having ankle issues. She was fine today but her ankle is constantly swollen. Zio Matt is now her physical therapist and he has been giving her instructions and even checked in with her last night. But when I saw how swollen it was I just really wanted her dad to be here and in charge of making it better. He took such good care of her and you just can’t duplicate that. She has coaches and trainers but it is just not right that her dad is not here. She was able to play the entire game and they won 4-0. Three goals were scored by two freshmen and one was an “own goal”, an error by the other team. So the outlook for the season is great!

I realize that it is now my birthday and you are probably feeling sorry for me that I am so sad on my birthday so let me tell you about my gift. I bought myself a 2016 Ford Edge!!! It is the nicest car I have ever owned and the first one I bought on my own! It is used which means I was able to get all the great features at a decent price! I bought it from my friend Craig Crews at Enterprise Car Sales and I highly recommend checking them out if you are looking for a car. I’m still learning how to use all the technology but after the cold at the soccer game, I really enjoyed the heated seats! This isn’t a car that we would have ever bought together because we usually just got the basics but I feel like he would approve in light of the circumstances.

I also got my Aetna-subsidized Apple Watch in the mail yesterday. I’m still learning how to use that as well. I figured out that you can actually answer the phone and talk to people with the watch! Patrick was fiercely anti-smartphone but he always said that he would get one when they made a watch phone. This wouldn’t completely qualify since you still need the phone with you but I think he would have been intrigued. And he would have mocked me endlessly! I’m going to sleep now and try to dream about all of the ridiculous things he would have said. I sure miss that crazy guy! 💗💔💗