Month: December 2016

Only three days left in 2016 and I am hoping that 2017 is a better year. I made it through Christmas with a few tough moments. You can plan all you want but usually I am surprised at the small things that trigger the tears. A friend had mentioned custom gift tags and I was prepared to find the ones I recycle every year but I wasn’t prepared to find one on a gift bag I was reusing. I was wrapping a present for Camille and the bag had a tag on it already. The tag said To: Camille so I was thinking it was perfect. Then I realized it said From: Mom & Dad. I was worried about the ones with Patrick on them, forgetting that there were a lot more that said Dad.

We didn’t end up putting up stockings or decorating the tree. We got the lights and the angel on the tree. The angel kind of fell over and that seemed appropriate. No one really felt the need to do any more. We did put up the nativity, a Christmas village and a few other things. That was enough. Maybe next year we will want to do more. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning were good. In the afternoon we went to the large Prandini get together and that was really hard. Patrick loved being there, visiting with family and eating raviolis. I felt close to him but also felt his absence. I knew it would be hard but it was also wonderful being with everyone. We all had a hard year and there was nowhere else I wanted to be.

Today was another hearing and there will be another one in February. It’s really hard being there since nothing that happens will change the fact that Patrick is gone. Since the charge is a misdemeanor, all of the hearings are in a misdemeanor courtroom, which is not like what you see on TV. A lot of misdemeanor charges are resolved with one court appearance and the actual time spent there is very brief. So, at any given time, there are a lot of people sitting around waiting for their case to be called. We walk in and we usually take up almost a third of the seats. People line up before the doors open and then they usually go sit in the middle of the row so you basically have to climb over them. It’s very impersonal and kind of offensive that Patrick’s case doesn’t warrant it’s own courtroom.

Another difference from TV is that there is no special section for families of the defendant and the victim. And since there are really only 3 rows you might end up next to them or right behind them, like I was today. On the way out, one of them spoke to me. I think she was his aunt or possibly his grandma. My brain gets a little foggy at times like this. She told me she was sorry, it was an accident and she was praying for us. This was not well received by everyone in my family. We are all dealing with various degrees of pain and anger and everyone is very protective of me. I choose to believe that she was telling me that her nephew/grandson did not intentionally set out to kill Patrick. I never thought he did but I do believe his choices led to this tragedy. I felt that it was brave and kind for her to speak to me. If I were in the same position I would have felt compelled to say something too.

Today the defendant appeared almost happy and this was also upsetting to many. However, he had four family members there and I suspect at least one was his child. I have to think that made him happy. Unfortunately the penalty options are limited so there is really no part of this that is going to make everyone in the family happy. We just have to try to get through it.

I often wonder what Patrick would think or feel about all of this. I think his number one priority would be to shield us from pain as much as possible. I always keep that in mind. I feel that one of the greatest gifts that he left me with is the knowledge that whatever I do, whatever decisions I make, it is okay. I don’t need to agonize over things, I still have his love and support. However I act or feel is the right way. I think he would want to make sure that this didn’t happen to anyone else but at the end of the day, his family would be his priority.
As we left court today a flock of birds flew by. I think there were at least two ostriches or pterodactyls because they left two humongous sprays of bird poop on my car, yeah, the new one! The crap all over the window kind of summed up how we all felt. We had a good laugh and after dropping everyone off I immediately went through a car wash. Life is going to send a lot of crap our way and it’s not always pleasant. I choose to let it wash away. I won’t forget it but I don’t have to carry it around. I don’t mean to oversimplify the whole grief thing but I think really you just have to get through however you can. Embrace the positive and let the pain wash away as much as possible.

Today marks eight months. I am kind of amazed that I have made it eight months without him. Not that I had a choice. Sometimes, I feel like a broken record, I still can’t believe he’s gone! As we draw closer to Christmas it gets harder and harder. I find myself incredibly sad when I least expect it. And I’m a little angry right now too because this was not the way things were supposed to go. I do believe that God has a plan, even if I don’t understand it. I just wish that we could follow my plan. My plan was a lot better, it included joyfully watching our daughters achieve their dreams, having their father walk them down the aisle and watching his joy as he held his first grand baby. I need to find a way to enjoy those moments for both of us.

I started a new class last week and it’s a little harder than expected. I have an assignment due tomorrow and then a two week break from schoolwork. Part of me is frustrated that I even have a class right now but then I spent several hours working on my assignment and my sadness took a back seat so I was grateful for that. This is just such an emotional time and I am questioning a lot of things but I keep telling myself that it will be better when I get through the holidays. I have this mental picture of me crossing a finish line because this kind of feels like a marathon!

Monday I received a Christmas card from someone I don’t know. The card was from one of Patrick’s patients. She indicated he treated her in 2007 and 2009! She told me he was a wonderful PT and the girls and I were his world. Wow! He’s been gone eight months and strangers are still reaching out to share the impact he had on them. I love hearing the stories and it really makes me want to reach out to people who have had an impact on me. Maybe that would be a good New Years resolution.

She also shared a funny story he had told her about me! I will never live this one down so you might as well hear it. When the girls were in elementary school I was sick one day. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed but I had to take them to school. So I just got in the car with my pajamas on. They were blue with large clocks on them for some reason. They were goofy looking but really soft and warm. Patrick liked to make fun of them. I drove the girls to school and dropped them off. I headed home and was at the stop sign closest to my house (it’s now a traffic signal). I was traveling south and was almost home. A teenage boy was traveling east in the left turn lane. He started turning left and I pulled into the intersection. But he wasn’t really turning left. He was making a u-turn and I ran right into him! I was so annoyed! I just wanted to get back home and crawl into bed! I was so flustered that I put my van into reverse to get out of the intersection and backed right into the car behind me! I was SO embarrassed! I pulled over and sat in my car until the kid walked over and I gave him my info. Fortunately the guy behind me surveyed his car, no damage, so he left. The obvious moral of the story is Don’t Leave Your House in Your Pajamas!

I think it’s funny that he told that story. I told it to my coworkers too. I have no problem laughing at myself and Patrick didn’t either for the most part. He was occasionally sensitive about stories that he felt were particularly embarrassing. However, he also liked to say, “It’s only funny until someone gets hurt, then it’s hilarious!” And frankly I would love to annoy him enough that he would haunt me because I really miss him! So here goes… On a trip to Vegas, possibly for Denny’s 21st birthday, we were in the Tropicana with my sister Denise and brother-in-law Wes. Patrick decided to try oysters on the half shell. I think Wes might have challenged him or something. I guess you are supposed to just swallow them whole. So Patrick started making an exaggerated face like he was having trouble swallowing the oyster. We were all laughing at the faces he was making. Apparently he wasn’t trying to be funny because suddenly the oyster came back up and flew across the table. We were dying laughing! We all had to walk away! Since then it has been a favorite topic whenever we are around Wes. He eventually asked if we could put the story to rest and I respected that while he was alive. Now I need to laugh and smile so I think he would understand! Hopefully it also brought a smile to your face. ❤❤❤

Christmas is only seven days away. I can’t believe it’s almost here. I am so unprepared. I haven’t done much shopping and we still need a tree. Of course I don’t have as much shopping to do this year and I’m not really prepared for that reality. Honestly, I’m a little nervous about the emotions. I’ve been able to hold it together for the most part but I am dreading Christmas Day. I’m also looking forward to having it behind me.

Patrick was always hard to buy for. He didn’t like to spend money on himself and rarely felt he needed anything. In past years I have constantly been on the lookout for gifts that he would like. This year I find myself continuing to do that. I’ll see something and get excited and then I remember… Almost eight months later and it still doesn’t seem real. I keep thinking I will get to the point where I always remember that he is gone but right now I “remember” multiple times per day and it’s always jarring.

Last night Sierra and I did a little decorating. She found Aggie’s stocking and suddenly she burst into tears. I knew exactly what the tears were for because it’s been in the back of my mind too. The stockings…

Patrick and his siblings all had personalized hand-knit stockings when they were growing up. I thought this was really cool. Having a name like Danell, I was never able to find personalized items. His mom also had someone make them for the grandchildren. I asked her if I could order one for myself and of course she ordered it and paid for it. So now we have four stockings. And the stocking hangers are letters. L-O-V-E. We set the stockings aside for now. Yet another reminder of all that has changed.

We are used to change by now. In fact, we almost thrive on change. If something doesn’t go the way we planned and disappointment starts to set in, we tell ourselves that this is not the worst thing that has ever happened to us. We know what it is like when the worst happens and we made it through that. If we got through that, we can get through anything.

Friday we were prepared to go to a soccer tournament in Bakersfield. I was excited to see the team play again and I was taking my car on the first road trip. I had plans to stay with my cousin Kelly and Sierra was meeting us there. The team was excited for their only overnight trip. We were all disappointed when the tournament was cancelled at the last minute. I invited the team over for dinner and a sleepover. All but a few accepted. I’m sure some people thought I was crazy but I will never turn down the opportunity to fill my house with joy and these girls are joyful! They played music and laughed. I think there was dancing too. I was prepared for little sleep but amazingly they all went to sleep around 1:30. They blew up air mattresses and found couch space and then it was very quiet. I suspect that the captain’s (probably Peyton) told them it was time to sleep and of course they listened! Sierra got home during the party so we hung out together in my room and smiled at all of the happy sounds.

The team will always hold a special place in my heart because I associate them with wonderful memories from our last months with Patrick. I felt blessed to get to experience them having fun.

This week will be hard. We will try to find time for laughter and that will help. I know we will make it through because we are surrounded by love, just like we have been for the past eight months. And honestly, this won’t be the worst thing we have been through. Merry Christmas!!🎄🎁

I’ve always heard that the holidays can be difficult for some people but I’ve never understood it. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. In addition to the fact that it is Jesus’ birthday, you have all of the lights, decorations, parties, presents and food, how could anyone be sad? Was I really that oblivious?

Growing up, Christmas was a big deal in the Boyles family. On Christmas Eve we would drive to Porterville and spend the night in my grandparents three bedroom house. This included their six children plus spouses and 16 grand children!!! I know that there were maybe one or two travel trailers, vans, etc but I honestly have no idea where everyone slept! I was a kid and didn’t care where I slept as long as I was with my siblings and cousins. On Christmas morning we would admire everyone’s Santa presents and then we would all open presents in the living room. I’m sure my memory is playing tricks on me but I could swear the piles of wrapping paper were 3 feet high! Eventually this tradition stopped as the family grew larger.

Patrick grew up with a more subdued Christmas morning. I’m pretty sure it was usually Mom, Pop and their five kids. The afternoon was when the magic happened. The Prandini’s would gather earlier in the month to make raviolis. On Christmas Day they would all gather and enjoy them. I don’t know all of the details but I do know this has happened every Christmas since I started dating Patrick. At that time Nona was the matriarch of the family and the get together was centered around her five children: Carlo, Argilia, Tony, Angelo and Barbara Ann. That grew to include their children, their grandchildren, a few great grandchildren and various adopted family members. The gathering is so large now that each family introduces themselves because it is hard to keep track of so many people!

There were times during my marriage that the thought of a quiet Christmas at home was appealing to me but I also didn’t want to miss any of the festivities. I always thought it was strange when people would discuss how much they hated going to their in-laws. We never fought about who we were spending Christmas with. We spent it with both families, every single year. One year we spent the morning with my family and then midday with the Prandini’s. Then we went to my cousin Keith’s house because his parents, Emma and Joe, and siblings were visiting. We spent several hours there then said our goodbyes. We got out to the car and Patrick asked why I wanted to leave. I told him I thought he probably wanted to leave. It had been s long day and we had spent a lot of time driving around to different gatherings. He said that he was having a lot of fun so we walked back in and told them we decided to stay. Everyone had a good laugh and we enjoyed a few more hours with everyone. I think this was probably just a few months before my Uncle Joe passed away suddenly so I was always grateful for that time.

This year the Prandini gathering will have 3 fewer family members. Other family members will be feeling the loss of extended family members. I know it will be painful to go there without Patrick but it would be more painful to not see that big, wonderful family. We will be surrounded by love and warm memories.

The last few years we have had a few new traditions. My family has been spending Christmas Eve night at my sister Dawan’s house every other year. We all get matching or themed pajamas and it is a lot of fun. On alternate years Patrick, Sierra, Camille and I would open presents at home and then head out to the other get togethers. I am so thankful that last Christmas Eve we were home together and had our last Christmas morning together. And I’m also thankful that we will be at Dawan’s this year.

A few years ago Patrick was helping out at a Christmas tree lot so of course he became an expert on Christmas trees. I wish I could remember the exact explanation but basically he determined that the lot starts the month with ALL of their trees. They unfurl some of them and add more as people pick through them. The longer you wait, the more picked through they are. So he decided that he would have a better chance of getting a good tree if he just got one that was still wrapped up. For the last two years this is what we did and we ended up with beautiful trees. The girls and I will be continuing that tradition this year. We probably won’t make a video like last year but we will try to honor Patrick by acting goofy and making jokes when we do it.

We will survive the holidays and make new memories but I’m not gonna lie, it really, really sucks! It still doesn’t make sense that he is not here and I don’t think it ever will. However, I am not canceling Christmas. We are decorating and exchanging gifts. So don’t be afraid to say Merry Christmas!