The last few days I’ve been watching everyone posting about everything they are thankful for. They are all very eloquent and some even mention an empty chair at the table. I wanted to write something cheery yesterday since I truly do have a lot to be thankful for. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to be thankful for anything. There is a hole in my heart that may get smaller someday but it seems to be permanent so it will always be there.
Recently I watched Cathy’s mom, Charlene, experience the same kind of nightmare that I went through. Everyone who stopped by wanted to help and most didn’t know what to say. The most common thing people say in this situation seems to be, “What can I get you? Is there anything you need?” Charlene answered truthfully, “Yes, I need my husband. Can you get him?” My heart broke each time I heard this because I remember having the same conversations. I may not have responded that way each time but it was definitely what I was thinking. Logically I knew this wasn’t possible but it was really the only thing I wanted.
I intentionally planned something completely different for Thanksgiving. 25-30 of us in one large, 10 bedroom Inn. I am surrounded by most of the people who are the most dear to me. I am truly grateful for that and any other option would be so much worse but I don’t think there was any way to make this holiday completely joyful since Patrick is missing. Yet I know he really isn’t missing. He is never far from our thoughts. He would have loved this trip but it would have never happened if he were here. There’s no way he would have agreed to the expense. Yesterday, we gathered in a circle to say grace. The family I was born into was intermingled with the family I married into. My Dad and Kandra, Denise, Dawan and Tom, Denny and his girls plus Nick. Mom and Pop teNyenhuis, Gabe, Dom and Caitlin, Matt, Tina and kids, Sierra, Camille and I. We asked Pop to say grace and when he finished, Mom thanked me for bringing us all together. She said, “We are more complete when we are together.” Then there were tears and lots of hugs. How lucky am I that my two families love each other so much? Later we were joined by Dustin and Jenna and Dina and Jeff. We’ve all been hanging out and enjoying each other’s company.
I chose the central coast because my family has spent many Thanksgivings at North Beach campground. Since there were so many of us we didn’t actually end up joining my extended family at the campground but today we had a surprise party to celebrate my Aunt Emma’s 80th birthday. They tricked her by telling her it was a surprise party for MY birthday so of course she ran out and bought me a card. 😊 After we ate, multiple family members got up to speak and pretty much all of them got choked up when they talked about Aunt Emma and the whole extended Boyles family. A few had married into the family and spoke of how much they appreciated getting to be a part of our family. A light hearted moment was when my Dad’s former aunt spoke of how she loved the family so much that she married into it twice! Her husband was my grandma’s brother and he unfortunately passed away when they were driving back to Oklahoma after attending my sister’s wedding. My uncle, her nephew by marriage, drove out to escort her back. They were actually fairly close in age and after several years of hanging around and helping her out he married her. We like to joke about how Uncle Ed married his Aunt Vanda but I assure you it was perfectly legal! We also remembered my Uncle Joe who passed away unexpectedly. Emma and Joe were married over 50 years. She is now married to a friend of many years, Rex, who lost his wife after Uncle Joe died.
So I sat there listening to all of the great memories and I was reminded that I am truly thankful for my family. They are the reason I continue to get out of bed each day and I am able to continue moving forward. I am frequently angry that I have to do it without Patrick but I know he would love how much we all cherish our time together. We make more of an effort to be together now and I get to have both of my families with me. I also look at Emma and Vanda and I know they deeply loved their first husbands. They also lost their husbands suddenly and they kept moving forward. I know i can do that too!