Patrick used to go away once or twice a year for a weekend of camping, fishing, relaxing and drinking beer. He often went with his only friend Joe šor his brother Matt. Iām not going to lie, I think it was good to have a break. The girls and I would usually go and buy sugary cereal (he did not buy that for them) and whatever other special treats they wanted. I would sleep really well since there was no snoring. After a day or two, I would really start to miss him and it was always nice when he got home. Tonight I saw a picture of him and I was reminded that I really miss him. I donāt need any more breaks, I just want him home.
At a wedding this weekend I was talking to relatives that I hadnāt seen since the funeral. My cousin Steve commented that he knew it hadnāt hit me at that point and he asked how long it was before it really hit me. I told him that it was probably a couple of months.
The initial shock is a blessing and a curse. Iām not sure if I could have functioned at all without it. On the other hand, I had no clue how much harder it would be later. I had this false sense that I was going to get through this easily. What an optimist!
I know heās not coming back. But I still catch myself thinking āwhat ifā? Tonight I had this crazy thought that maybe if I had just gone out to look for him again I would have found him alive. Iāve mentioned before that the brain can play cruel tricks on you. For a split second, I actually thought that maybe I did it wrong. Maybe I just didnāt find him?! Why would I even think that???
I do know that this is real but I often wonder if I am ādoing this wrongā. Iām becoming more and more aware of my tendency to just stuff all the feelings inside me. This has been a good strategy to make it so far but I probably need to start letting it out a little more.
Okay, enough sadness! Yesterday Matt was going through beer stuff since there were lots of ingredients in the beer fridge and I donāt make or drink beer. I have decided that Patrick would want me to make sure there is always beer in his fridge. Denny and Matt have decided to keep beer on tap here and I think thatās kind of cool. Patrick would be really happy that people were still coming by for a glass of beer! While he was here, Matt figured out that the keg in the fridge still had a bit of Patrickās second to last batch of beer in it. He decided to give it a try and pronounced it āReally, really, really good!ā We laughed about it because there is no way Patrick would ever let beer age for 7 months! And it turns out that it does get better over time! I knew that we would probably keep finding surprises and I hope there are more left to discover!