Better with time? – Originally posted 11/14/16

Patrick used to go away once or twice a year for a weekend of camping, fishing, relaxing and drinking beer. He often went with his only friend Joe šŸ˜‰or his brother Matt. Iā€™m not going to lie, I think it was good to have a break. The girls and I would usually go and buy sugary cereal (he did not buy that for them) and whatever other special treats they wanted. I would sleep really well since there was no snoring. After a day or two, I would really start to miss him and it was always nice when he got home. Tonight I saw a picture of him and I was reminded that I really miss him. I donā€™t need any more breaks, I just want him home.

At a wedding this weekend I was talking to relatives that I hadnā€™t seen since the funeral. My cousin Steve commented that he knew it hadnā€™t hit me at that point and he asked how long it was before it really hit me. I told him that it was probably a couple of months.

The initial shock is a blessing and a curse. Iā€™m not sure if I could have functioned at all without it. On the other hand, I had no clue how much harder it would be later. I had this false sense that I was going to get through this easily. What an optimist!

I know heā€™s not coming back. But I still catch myself thinking ā€œwhat ifā€? Tonight I had this crazy thought that maybe if I had just gone out to look for him again I would have found him alive. Iā€™ve mentioned before that the brain can play cruel tricks on you. For a split second, I actually thought that maybe I did it wrong. Maybe I just didnā€™t find him?! Why would I even think that???

I do know that this is real but I often wonder if I am ā€œdoing this wrongā€. Iā€™m becoming more and more aware of my tendency to just stuff all the feelings inside me. This has been a good strategy to make it so far but I probably need to start letting it out a little more.

Okay, enough sadness! Yesterday Matt was going through beer stuff since there were lots of ingredients in the beer fridge and I donā€™t make or drink beer. I have decided that Patrick would want me to make sure there is always beer in his fridge. Denny and Matt have decided to keep beer on tap here and I think thatā€™s kind of cool. Patrick would be really happy that people were still coming by for a glass of beer! While he was here, Matt figured out that the keg in the fridge still had a bit of Patrickā€™s second to last batch of beer in it. He decided to give it a try and pronounced it ā€œReally, really, really good!ā€ We laughed about it because there is no way Patrick would ever let beer age for 7 months! And it turns out that it does get better over time! I knew that we would probably keep finding surprises and I hope there are more left to discover!