I had a small victory a few nights ago. I unclogged the toilet! I know, who cares? I’m learning that there are a lot of things that I AM capable of doing and now I can add unclogging toilets to the list. My parents must be so proud!
I once woke Patrick up from a deep sleep to kill a bug. Ok, it was at least once but less than 10 times. My point is that I probably exaggerated my helplessness a little. Not necessarily intentionally but the end result was him taking care of a lot of the difficult things. I used to wonder why he even put up with me. Now that he is gone I am really beginning to realize how much he loved the girls and I. I always knew he loved us but I understand it more now. And I have a firm belief that love like that just doesn’t disappear. I can still feel it and I know he is always in our hearts.
The crazy part is that I am beginning to love myself more. I think I’ve always been a little hard on myself and maybe I thought I didn’t deserve him. But now I feel more confident and I think all in all I am doing okay.
So, back to the clogged toilet… As you may know, Patrick liked to solve problems and he was usually convinced that his way was the best. When I was growing up if the toilet was clogged, you got a plunger and unclogged it. When I got married I learned that if the toilet was clogged, Patrick would fix it. Unfortunately, it didn’t always happen when he was home. And we didn’t own a plunger because an Auger is the best thing to use to unclog a toilet! So, not much sticks to a plunger but an auger has all these metal parts and I think it’s kind of disgusting. Part of it is rubber and that part is supposed to protect your toilet but there are scratches in my toilets. And Patrick denied making them. Still, I would get the Auger thing and try to make it work. Maybe he showed me how to use it. Maybe several times… I don’t know why but I couldn’t really get the darn thing to work. Sierra eventually learned how to use it. I finally bought a plunger. When the toilet clogged earlier in the week both Camille and I tried the plunger, multiple times, no luck. So I got the stupid Auger and somehow it finally clicked. I used it the correct way and it immediately unclogged the toilet. It’s the greatest thing ever! 😂😂😂
In the last week, I finally managed to part with a few things. I threw his toothbrush away. I got rid of socks and underwear because I had no sentimental attachment. And the girls and I went through his t-shirts and each picked some to have made into blankets. He had a lot of t-shirts so there was more than enough. I’ve also set some aside for different family members. And Matt picked up the VW bus today. I’m so happy he has it. As he left I realized that selling it would have been like losing a part of him again. He loved that bus and I know he would be happy that Matt has it.
I have discovered that it feels really good to declutter. I’m doing a little bit at a time. I have a housekeeper now so that keeps me motivated. When your life is chaos you find order wherever you can. I haven’t always kept the cleanest house but it improves my mood so it is well worth the investment.
Tonight we attended my cousin Bob’s wedding to Christine. I was touched that they included Patrick when they remembered family members who were no longer with us. I am so happy for them and I know they will be great together.
Life moves forward and I can’t be left behind. I miss Patrick every day but I also have good days. Thank you all for your continued support!