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What if we never met? – 10/9/16

This was originally posted on 10/9/16. The picture I have added is all of the teNyenhuis grandkids.

Last night I was completely exhausted from a day of moving my mom and Ernie. I woke up at 5:30 after sleeping maybe 3 hours on Friday night. Last night I should have slept like a log. Of course, as usual, I woke several times during the night. This is kind of my new normal. Just to clarify, this doesn’t mean I wake up crying and in emotional pain. Patrick is always in the back of my mind but the pain seems to be a little better most days. When I was awake last night I started thinking about something that I thought about a LOT at first.

When the pain was the most intense there were times that I prayed for amnesia. I just wanted to not remember. And I considered if it would be better just to go through life kind of happy rather than experiencing the extreme pain of losing Patrick. I’ve been told a lot that “most people” don’t experience the kind of love and happiness I had. What if I didn’t have that? Of course I always shut down this line of thinking because I would not have my two precious daughters if I never met Patrick. And of course I wouldn’t want to erase my time with him. My life was better because of it.

My life was incredibly enriched when I met Patrick. Mom and Pop are the best in-laws anyone could ever have. They truly consider me their child and I am so blessed to be a part of their family. Dan is like a big brother to me. He brought Amy into my life and even though they are far away I cherish our relationship. Gabe was always around during the college years when Patrick was away and he looked out for me. I consider him Camille’s surrogate father for education and I think he’s as proud of her as Patrick would be. Jennifer is a kindred spirit and I love having her in my life.

And Patrick gave me my own little sister, Dina. I love her so much and I understand my sisters wanting to protect me from the pain I’m going through because I wish I could take away Dina’s pain. She was extremely close to Patrick and when she married Jeff he found an outdoorsy buddy. Jeff and Dina were always ready to go fishing, hiking or just drink beer with Patrick!

When I met Matt I think he was 10 years old. So I’ve known him for a big part of his life and Patrick was always proud of him. In many ways he was truly Patrick’s best friend. I’ve always been close to Tina too. Like all of the siblings Matt chose well!

Getting together with the whole family was always a special time. Holidays were always busy but we always agreed which family we would spend time with, BOTH!

And that is just the tip of the iceberg since the family doesn’t end there. There are numerous nieces, nephews, cousins, etc and my life is richer because of all of them. I do still get extremely sad at times and when that happens if I start to wish that someone could just take away my memories I think about all that I would lose with them. I wouldn’t give up the memories or my family. Love you T-9-house family!❤️

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I can do this! – 10/08/16

Originally posted on 10/8/16

Today I drove a 26 foot U-Haul truck. While driving it occurred to me that I would never have done this when Patrick was alive. To be fair, I didn’t have to drive it today. The plan was for Denny to drive it but it made more sense for me to since it needed to be parked at my house tonight. And Denny was hosting our monthly “First Friday” get together so it made more sense for him to get home. He will be driving it to Burrough Valley tomorrow so we can move my mom and Ernie into town. He doesn’t really want to do it either but that’s what brothers are for! Lol
There have been a lot of things I have learned that I never had to do before. I have cleaned the pool filter at least 10 times and I have spent many hours brushing the sides of the pool and skimming leaves off the top. I changed the handle on the toilet. I cleaned Aggie’s ears. I drove the bus. Ok, I didn’t actually drive it but I pulled it out of the garage and back in.

I have also done things that I knew how to do but never had to before. I am now the scooper of dog poop, a job he hated and complained about regularly. And yeah I probably should have done it sooner but I never had to. I do the grocery shopping, occasionally, lol. I still don’t cook much but I’m making an effort to cook more. There are countless other things that I just never had to do but there is no reason why I can’t do them now.
Today I also put registration tags on my car and his bus. I’ve done this before but usually, I just had him do it. He really could do just about anything. And I’m amazed that I’m even able to function without him but I know he is my guardian angel! I think that is why I feel I can do just about anything now. That doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally dissolve into tears if I can’t immediately figure something out. The pool has made me cry several times and I felt pretty helpless when the smoke alarm in the attic needed a new battery (thank you, Denny, for climbing up there to replace it). At the same time, I like it when I can figure things out for myself. I think it makes me feel like I am going to be okay.

We will really miss him tomorrow. He was very strong and would have been a huge help. Plus he would have spent the day joking around with Denny and Tom and made the move a lot more entertaining. And I know he would have driven the U-Haul for us!