Month: October 2016

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A Break in the Clouds – Originally posted 10/31/16

The cloud hanging over me has cleared. For now. I have been waiting so long for the resolution of the case and it’s nice to know that I can have a little break from that. Next court date is exactly one month away. I wasn’t hoping for any particular thing to happen. I just wanted the waiting to be over.

I never know how I am going to react to updates. I don’t even remember the date we got the first full update on the case but it was in May. I came home and locked myself in my room. I have only done that a few times. Sometimes no amount of comforting is going to help. I only stayed in there for 30 minutes to an hour but I felt like I was never going to calm down.

Over the summer I waited weeks in between updates. The wheels of justice turn slowly and you really don’t want them to take shortcuts anyway. Then a few weeks ago I received unexpected news on the case and I went into a tailspin again. I couldn’t even update anyone like I usually did. I really only have to ever tell one person and they can spread the word but we have a lot of immediate family so it’s a lot of texting or calling.

I’ve been calmer since then. I was fully prepared to be a wreck the day I went to the DAs office. In the end, I felt they were just as diligent as the police and I was okay after that meeting. I voted for the DA and I am happy that I made that choice. She is very dedicated and caring.

I don’t want to put too much info out there until the case is over. I can say that the misdemeanor charge was the most they could do based on a few things. Most importantly California law does not have a clear measurement of drug impairment. That will be my mission once the case is resolved.

The arraignment was hard. I didn’t know how to feel when I saw the defendant. We did not expect the judge to increase the bail so that was a small victory. I had lots of support. Both of our Mom’s, Denise, Dawan, Denny, Connor, Cathy, Dina, Gabe, and Jenn. If you haven’t figured out by now, I am never alone in this and I am very grateful for my family. And honestly, they wouldn’t be anywhere else because they are all grieving too. As I have said from the beginning, I am surrounded by love. ❤❤❤😊😊😊

Tomorrow is Halloween. Actually, it starts in one minute. Halloween has been a big day for us over the years. When we were younger we always dressed up. And we had some awesome costumes! The first year we were a fork and a spoon. Over the years our costumes included Oscar and Emmy, Bartles and James, Wayne and Garth, a slice of Pizza and the Domino’s Pizza Noid, Hare Krishnas, an Angel and a Devil, Gangster and Flapper, and American Gothic (the painting, complete with picture frame). I may have missed some. I guess we stopped when we had kids and began focusing on their costumes.

Patrick liked to answer the door and basically harass the poor children. “Who are you supposed to be?”, “You don’t look like______”, “Aren’t you too old to be trick or treating?” Some of the kids figured him out and just laughed at him. I would usually hide in the other room and pray that I didn’t know any of the parents! I wonder if any of the kids will be looking for that crazy guy tomorrow night?

My mom and Ernie just moved back into town and she is excited about Halloween so I was happy to agree to hang out at her place. By the end of the night, I will be able to say I’ve crossed off another “first” without him. Happy Halloween!!! 🎃🎃🎃

 
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Facade – 10/25/16

Originally posted on 10/25/16

Everyone always tells me how strong I am. How composed I am. Some days it is merely a façade. And facades aren’t intended to be permanent. Sometimes they fall apart.

I think I just went too long without crying. You try to hold it all in but trust me, eventually, it’s going to come out. Today it was the plants at the top of the stairs. I looked at them and pictured him watering them. He took care of the plants. I’ve kind of taken pride in keeping a bunch of plants including those alive since the funeral but let’s just say some of them are half alive. Kind of how I feel some days. I go through the motions, do the minimum. I know this isn’t fun to read but this is the reality. This is grief. And I promised to be honest about it.

I was chatting with another widow today. She lost her husband a few weeks after Patrick. His name was Pat. We are sisters now. She told me “I still can’t believe Pat is gone!” I said, “I know, I think that every day!” You’d think my brain would come up with something more original. I don’t know why it insists on reminding me. As if I didn’t know!

On days like this, I just can’t believe this is still so hard. Not that I ever thought it would be easy but I swear it’s harder now than it was the first month. At least I know that I will have good days and I do seem to have them more often.

Too much sadness! I will tell a story that I haven’t really put out there. Many of you have heard that Patrick ordered pipes for Denny and Phillip. They arrived here but never made it to them. My latest theory is that the boxes they were in were put into the recycling bin on the day of the accident. As things started unfolding I knew my house would be full of people so of course, all I could think about was how messy it was. The pipes could still turn up but I kind of think they would have by now. They were hilarious. Denny’s was a corn cob pipe and Phillip’s was some ridiculously long thing.

In the course of trying to verify that he did receive both pipes, I found a recent Amazon order that he had placed. The order was for a lighter that was shaped like a little man with a rather large body part that the flame shot out of. I realized that the lighter had not yet arrived so I told the girls we would be getting a package that would make us laugh. The package came on a Monday. I got the mail and left it on the table. We were leaving the house to go to the funeral home to see him for the first time so opening the mail was not a priority. That was a really, hard day for all of us. On the way home Denny was driving and I started talking about the package. I realized that somehow Denny had not heard me talking about it! So, I decided that he could open it. He opened it and there were not one but two lighters in the package!!! I’m not sure who they were intended for but we all got a really, good laugh out of them. They were on the mantle for a while, “saluting” his picture. I finally hid them after one too many kids noticed them (oops)! I didn’t put the picture in the original post but here it is! 

Later I decided that they would be a new family game. I gave one to Alyssa to hide in Denny’s house and one to Caitlin to hide in Gabe’s house. Gabe’s was apparently found quickly but Denny’s was in his 49er helmet and after several months we all but told him it was there and it was hilarious when he finally noticed it. Patrick’s humor lives on…. And now I can go to sleep with a smile on my face!

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Put a ring on it – 10/21/16

Since tomorrow would be our 25th anniversary I wanted to repost this entry from October. I hope it makes you smile. 

As I sit in my family room I am surrounded by memories. In front of me is a gas fireplace with a chimney covered in river rock that Patrick and Dina installed. There is a mantle that Patrick asked Jeff to make. Currently it’s a semi-shrine with pictures I put there in April and never took down. To the right is a photo that Jenn gave us of Patrick and Gabe holding Sierra and Dominic in the hospital. Next to it is a decorative VW bus that Denise recently saw in the store and it made her think of him. A banister is at the edge of the upstairs loft and hallway and there is this odd ledge that is there for who knows what reason but Patrick found the perfect things to put there. An antique radio (with no inner workings), a music stand with music on it, two autoharps, my guitar and case.

Looking at the guitar makes me laugh. Patrick and I dated for 6 years. I can’t remember when we first started talking about marriage but we knew it would take that long to be done with school and living in the same city. After dating for several years he gave me a special gift for my birthday. The gift was a package of toy rings and he had replaced one with a small promise ring. Very creative! I couldn’t wait to see what he would do for a proposal!

The next year at Christmas I had graduated and was working as a teacher. He was 1 year into his two year grad school program. We were at his house and he told me he had a gift for me and he took me into another room and handed me a ring box. Finally!!! I opened it and there was a beautiful…guitar pick! Actually it was pretty ordinary looking. Seriously? Of course it came with a guitar. I became an expert guitarist which is evidenced by the dusty guitar on the ledge. 😂😂 So the wait continued.

Valentine’s Day came. I think there were roses and a gift from Victoria’s Secret. No ring. By this point we had been having discussions. He was in school, not working, couldn’t afford a ring. I was working full time and was fine with paying for my own ring. I know it’s silly but I had been waiting a long time! He asked me to give him the promise ring and he would give it back when he proposed. We could get a wedding ring after he was working. I didn’t like that idea. We discussed it frequently. One weekend he came to visit me in Bakersfield. I started in on him. “Let’s just go to the jewelry store. I can qualify for credit and you can pay for it later,” I told him. “Just give me your promise ring,” he said. “But I want my engagement ring to be different”, I replied. Finally he said, “Oh fine, it’s in my backpack!” I literally ran over, dug through his backpack and found the ring. I think he did eventually actually ask me to marry him before I put it on but he always said my greed ruined his romantic proposal! And my response was always, “Whatever!”

I am so grateful that when I am sad I have so many good memories to pull from. Today is exactly six months without him and I still can’t believe he is gone. Every time I start to write that is always initially my first line. I always change it later because I don’t want to dwell on that but seriously, I am still trying to process this. But I’m also moving forward.

A few weeks ago I received unexpected news. Aetna is offering early retirement packages if your age and years of service add up to 65 so I qualify! I am still off work and was trying to decide when or if I would be able to go back but I knew I would ultimately quit so this is a huge blessing! I still need formal approval but if everything goes according to plan I could be retired in early 2017 with extended salary continuation! I have already enrolled in an online, Masters in Professional Counseling program at Grand Canyon University. So I plan to look into volunteer opportunities that will help affirm my new career choice while I attend school. Big changes!

Six months ago going back to school was the furthest thing from my mind. Retiring wouldn’t have been an option. I am so blessed that Patrick’s planning and Aetna’s program are allowing me to make this change. I consider it a gift from Patrick and I am hoping that going into a helping profession will be a good way to honor him. He touched a lot of lives and I am hoping I can do the same.

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Our Last Week Together – 10/17/16

Remembering last year!

When you lose someone you love you spend a lot of time replaying the last days that you spent with them. I really wish I would have written things down sooner since I’m sure I have forgotten things.

Patrick turned 49 one week before he died. I bought tickets to the Paul McCartney concert for his birthday. Originally I bought two but then I ended up buying two more for the girls. Since I bought them at separate times we weren’t sitting together. Sierra came home from Long Beach that day and stayed through the weekend. Patrick wanted to go to The Mad Duck for dinner but we called them on the way and they were already super busy. So we ended up going to the Elephant Lounge, a mostly Indian restaurant. As we drove into the parking lot we were relieved that it was mostly empty. There was one small car in the front. Someone said it was good it wasn’t crowded and Camille said, “Oh, but there’s a clown convention in town”. Patrick beamed with pride. He was almost as proud of their sense of humor as he was their other accomplishments.

Dinner was great. We took pre-concert pictures that turned out to be my last picture ever with Patrick. While we were enjoying some naan bread Sierra began singing “Naan, naan, naan, naan, naan, naan, hey, hey, hey…”. We all laughed and Patrick beamed with pride again.  

 

 

When we got to the concert there were already long lines so we ended up waiting quite a while but Patrick kept us entertained and we took the picture of Patrick and the girls that I love and another of Patrick acting goofy (at the top of this post).

 

 

 

 

 

When we finally got inside the girls headed to their seats and we texted each other pictures of the view. The girls were much closer to the stage! Then we found Phillip and Becky in their section.

 

 

 

 

Thirty minutes after the scheduled concert start time Patrick started saying that it was very unprofessional that he was starting so late and if he didn’t start in the n ext ten minutes we were leaving. This was kind of a typical Patrick thing to be upset about something like this. I hoped he wouldn’t leave but there was no way I was leaving! I knew the girls wouldn’t leave either. Luckily the concert started and we had a great time!

I don’t remember everything we did over the next few days but I know Camille had a track meet on Saturday so we went to watch that. We hated saying goodbye to Sierra on Sunday but we knew the semester was almost over and we would see her again soon.

 

On Monday we had the Clovis East girls soccer awards dinner. This was a little later than normal due to our post season games. We had a nice time and the girls got a l ot of recognition. Coach Jasara said some nice things about Camille and she had special Valley Champion jackets made for the team.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That week I was having two online Jamberry parties. One customer had questions and I offered to take her a sample. When I learned she was leaving that Saturday for a cruise I decided she needed a full set of Jams! On Tuesday we had to pick the bus up from the shop. Patrick drove my car to work and then picked me up so I could take him to get the bus. On the ride there I told him how much fun I was having with Jamberry. I had no expectations of getting rich but it just brought me a lot of joy. He was happy that I was happy.

That night after dinner I went to the customer’s house and had a really nice visit with her while I showed her how to apply the nail wraps. As I drove home I made plans with Cathy to meet at Mickeys yogurt since we knew they had our favorite flavor, Oatmeal Cookie Gelato. I took a picture of Cathy enjoying hers and sent it to Camille to tease her. Of course she would know that I would bring some home to her! I look at that picture occasionally and it’s surreal that I was having such a good evening and the next day he was gone!

When I got home I remember that Camille was doing homework in the family room and Patrick was watching TV in the living room and enjoying a beer. Or two. I remember telling him what a great evening I had but I don’t think it was a particularly long conversation. I went into the family room with Camille and I ended up staying up late scheduling Facebook posts for my parties so they would post throughout the day while I was working. He went to bed at some point and said good night. When I went to bed he was asleep and I didn’t wake him. 🙁 When I woke up Wednesday he was already gone. Literally.

I am so grateful that we made so many memories that last week. I’m extremely happy that Sierra was home for 5 days and we had so much fun at the concert. And of course Patrick came home from the concert and learned to play Blackbird. At some point he recorded it and I will cherish that video for the rest of my life!

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Loose Ends – 10/13/16

Originally posted on 10/13/16.

I felt normal for a while. Not that I forgot what was going on but I was feeling a little happy, not so sad. Last week grief found me again and I pushed it back for a while but I can only ignore it for so long. So I write…

Tonight I am grateful for Cathy, who is always there when I need her. Earlier I needed some company and she knew without me even asking. Some days are just unexpectedly bad. And I know I have a long list of people who would be here if needed but a best friend is nice. She knows she doesn’t have to comfort me. She doesn’t agonize over what to say because she knows all I need is her company.

I feel like there are so many loose ends in my life right now. I have no control over a lot of them and some I am just not ready to deal with. I feel better when some are resolved and others don’t go the way I planned. That happened tonight. Things are not going the way I anticipated and it was really hard to hear. I always hate it when people write cryptic things on social media but I really can’t get into specifics right now. Hopefully I will be able to share more soon.

I finalized my will and trust a few weeks ago. This may seem like a strange thing to be happy about but it gives me comfort knowing that everything is spelled out for the girls should anything happen to me. They also took care of the paperwork for the title on the house which is good. The title now lists me as Danell teNyenhuis, an unmarried woman. That’s so bizarre to me. I think I took 18 months to plan my wedding. Such a joyful, happy occasion. And then, almost 24 years later, in an instant, I am unmarried. I guess it is better than saying widowed but it is just so odd to see. I still feel like I’m going to wake up and realize it was all a dream…

Matt is now the official owner of the VW bus. So you may see it around town. For now it’s still parked in my garage but I am happy he is taking it. Patrick loved that bus and he would be happy that his little brother will use it and enjoy it. Matt has already taken the kids

camping several times so they are making lots of new memories.

I finally got the trees trimmed in the backyard so I should be able to spend less time dealing with the pool. So that’s three kind-of-big things resolved and that feels good. Hopefully I will continue to check things off my list and my life will feel a little less chaotic. For now I will continue to write…

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What if we never met? – 10/9/16

This was originally posted on 10/9/16. The picture I have added is all of the teNyenhuis grandkids.

Last night I was completely exhausted from a day of moving my mom and Ernie. I woke up at 5:30 after sleeping maybe 3 hours on Friday night. Last night I should have slept like a log. Of course, as usual, I woke several times during the night. This is kind of my new normal. Just to clarify, this doesn’t mean I wake up crying and in emotional pain. Patrick is always in the back of my mind but the pain seems to be a little better most days. When I was awake last night I started thinking about something that I thought about a LOT at first.

When the pain was the most intense there were times that I prayed for amnesia. I just wanted to not remember. And I considered if it would be better just to go through life kind of happy rather than experiencing the extreme pain of losing Patrick. I’ve been told a lot that “most people” don’t experience the kind of love and happiness I had. What if I didn’t have that? Of course I always shut down this line of thinking because I would not have my two precious daughters if I never met Patrick. And of course I wouldn’t want to erase my time with him. My life was better because of it.

My life was incredibly enriched when I met Patrick. Mom and Pop are the best in-laws anyone could ever have. They truly consider me their child and I am so blessed to be a part of their family. Dan is like a big brother to me. He brought Amy into my life and even though they are far away I cherish our relationship. Gabe was always around during the college years when Patrick was away and he looked out for me. I consider him Camille’s surrogate father for education and I think he’s as proud of her as Patrick would be. Jennifer is a kindred spirit and I love having her in my life.

And Patrick gave me my own little sister, Dina. I love her so much and I understand my sisters wanting to protect me from the pain I’m going through because I wish I could take away Dina’s pain. She was extremely close to Patrick and when she married Jeff he found an outdoorsy buddy. Jeff and Dina were always ready to go fishing, hiking or just drink beer with Patrick!

When I met Matt I think he was 10 years old. So I’ve known him for a big part of his life and Patrick was always proud of him. In many ways he was truly Patrick’s best friend. I’ve always been close to Tina too. Like all of the siblings Matt chose well!

Getting together with the whole family was always a special time. Holidays were always busy but we always agreed which family we would spend time with, BOTH!

And that is just the tip of the iceberg since the family doesn’t end there. There are numerous nieces, nephews, cousins, etc and my life is richer because of all of them. I do still get extremely sad at times and when that happens if I start to wish that someone could just take away my memories I think about all that I would lose with them. I wouldn’t give up the memories or my family. Love you T-9-house family!❤️

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I can do this! – 10/08/16

Originally posted on 10/8/16

Today I drove a 26 foot U-Haul truck. While driving it occurred to me that I would never have done this when Patrick was alive. To be fair, I didn’t have to drive it today. The plan was for Denny to drive it but it made more sense for me to since it needed to be parked at my house tonight. And Denny was hosting our monthly “First Friday” get together so it made more sense for him to get home. He will be driving it to Burrough Valley tomorrow so we can move my mom and Ernie into town. He doesn’t really want to do it either but that’s what brothers are for! Lol
There have been a lot of things I have learned that I never had to do before. I have cleaned the pool filter at least 10 times and I have spent many hours brushing the sides of the pool and skimming leaves off the top. I changed the handle on the toilet. I cleaned Aggie’s ears. I drove the bus. Ok, I didn’t actually drive it but I pulled it out of the garage and back in.

I have also done things that I knew how to do but never had to before. I am now the scooper of dog poop, a job he hated and complained about regularly. And yeah I probably should have done it sooner but I never had to. I do the grocery shopping, occasionally, lol. I still don’t cook much but I’m making an effort to cook more. There are countless other things that I just never had to do but there is no reason why I can’t do them now.
Today I also put registration tags on my car and his bus. I’ve done this before but usually, I just had him do it. He really could do just about anything. And I’m amazed that I’m even able to function without him but I know he is my guardian angel! I think that is why I feel I can do just about anything now. That doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally dissolve into tears if I can’t immediately figure something out. The pool has made me cry several times and I felt pretty helpless when the smoke alarm in the attic needed a new battery (thank you, Denny, for climbing up there to replace it). At the same time, I like it when I can figure things out for myself. I think it makes me feel like I am going to be okay.

We will really miss him tomorrow. He was very strong and would have been a huge help. Plus he would have spent the day joking around with Denny and Tom and made the move a lot more entertaining. And I know he would have driven the U-Haul for us!

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Keeper of memories – 10/3/16

Originally posted on 10/3/16.

As my kids were growing up I loved to share funny stories with my mom. She would always laugh and tell me that I really needed to write them down. I didn’t have a blog back then. I’m sure that I intended to write them down but why would I need to? I was married to a man who could remember everything!

I didn’t realize at first how many memories we lost. I’m not quite sure why but my brain does not always store details. I remember a lot but Patrick could remember obscure things such as lines from movies I had never heard of. Like everything else I think he trained his brain to do this. After college he never truly learned to read for pleasure. I know he enjoyed reading but it had to be something of value. He read the entire bible and when he was finished he decided to read the biographies of each of the presidents. I think he made it to Reagan and then stopped. He decided the biographies were more accurate after time had passed. The more recent ones were usually written by supporters and tended to be sugar coated. Of course I can’t think of any cool facts but he loved to share odd things he had learned such as the president who took calls while on the toilet!

He was also great at telling jokes. I would try to repeat them and they were never quite as funny. A highlight of the Steam Donkey shows was the jokes and banter in between songs, much of it groan worthy! I am so grateful that I have videos of that. Usually I can get through them with a smile.

He had favorite sayings too and we have forgotten some of them. One is that he used to tell us that there were only two rules in this house. Rule 1 is never throw things from the second floor, but we are unsure of Rule 2. Rule 2 could be that Dad is Awesome (which he frequently said) or that Dad is always right. Maybe it was “Dad needs a beer”.

Of course, like anyone, he didn’t remember everything, especially if it was a message his wife was supposed to give him! He would be talking to his mom and she would say, “I’m sure Danell told you ….” and he would tell her, “You know we never talk”. In fairness I would say the same thing!

He had another saying related to irony and I think it was poetic irony but it seems like it was a more obscure term. When he found an example of this type of irony he loved to tell us. Recently I experienced this type of irony and although it was a little sad I could just imagine him laughing at the irony of the situation.

A month or two after Patrick died I charged my old iPhone to see if I had any voice messages from him. There had been none on my current phone. I found one message from 2013. He had been on some sort of weekend adventure and I was gone when he got home. He left me a message to say he was home, he was exhausted and he was going to sleep. He ended it with “I love you”. I tried to save the message and the older phone did not have an option to do that. So, rather than play the message on the old phone and record it with the new, I had the brilliant idea to update the old phone. Of course when the update was complete my messages were gone. I took it to the phone store and they confirmed there was no way to retrieve it. I was sad but honestly I wasn’t going to be devastated about it. At the same time, I was still searching to make sure I didn’t miss any audio or video recordings. Eventually I found the voice memos on my phone. Wouldn’t it be sweet if he had recorded me a message? I found an 18 second message and at first it was very staticky. After a minute I realized I had made the recording. In the middle of the night. When his snoring woke me up! I’m not sure what I had planned to do with it but I never shared it with him. He was sensitive about his snoring and his feelings would have been hurt. I burst into laughter! How ironic! I’m looking for a sweet message and instead find the snoring I had recorded in anger. Now that’s (insert term) irony! 😂<<<<<<
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