Originally posted 9/12/16
I’ve been thinking a lot about the stages of grief. I have experienced most of them but not in a neat orderly fashion. And, I am beginning to suspect that you never really get through any of them.
Although I didn’t realize it at the time I believe now that I was initially in shock. For a LONG time. When I think back on the initial days and weeks I almost feel like I am watching a scene from someone else’s life. I functioned at minimum capacity. I let others help me with the things I could not do. I was in pain but I really had not even begun to FEEL the loss. They say denial is one of the first stages. At the time I thought I was doing pretty good with that stage. I knew he was gone. The funny thing is that my mind is no longer in denial but my heart is. I seem to have these inner arguments with the mind stating the facts and the heart stating that it is JUST. NOT. POSSIBLE. I guess at some point they will come to some sort of agreement but right now my heart is definitely winning. So denial is an ongoing stage.
That day seems to run on an endless loop in my head. I study it and try to comprehend how I got through. If I start to feel happy my mind says “Wait, maybe you haven’t seen this movie?” And then the FACTS are laid out before me and I know he’s really gone. I’m not sharing this for sympathy or pity. I assume that most people who read this are hurting too. I’m sharing because I never imagined grief was like this.
I have experienced some anger. A little at the person who caused this. Mainly indifference to him because I just can’t waste any emotions on him right now. I have also been irrationally angry at Patrick. Why did he have to be so devoted to working out? How could he leave me? I do realize that this was not a choice he made. Mainly I am just mad at the Universe. He was too young to die.
The depression stage comes and goes.
This last week I’ve been very emotional. I have good days and bad days but I really missed him this week. It’s still hard to comprehend going through life without him. I had a very busy weekend and saw a lot of friends and family so that helped pull me back up. And while I was sad I let myself cry often. I think it’s good and I always feel a little better.
I think acceptance is kind of elusive. And really, why would you ever want to accept losing someone you love? Maybe it should be called resignation instead? I guess it is just going to take time to deal with all of the different emotions. I wish there was a shortcut through grief. Unfortunately you have to go through all of it in order to move forward. One step at a time.