I’ve been trying to do some organizing and de-cluttering. I feel that less clutter will help me feel better. We were both kind of pack rats. I think that comes from growing up without a lot of excess. Neither one of us wanted to get rid of something that we might potentially need at some point. Patrick pretended not to be but I found 10-15 pairs of used insoles in his shoe bin so the proof is there! So I’m trying to get rid of some of the non-essential stuff.
Sometimes it just seems like there is not a place for everything that I want to keep and this is the reason we had clutter to begin with. Ironically I now have some extra space for things if I wanted to use it. A dresser, a night stand, half of a closet…
Seriously though, I have not thrown out his tooth-brush. It’s funny how there are some things that are easy to let go of. I had no problem bidding farewell to the insoles. This weekend I cleaned out the bathroom cabinets and got rid of most of his various shaving creams, lotions, etc. His deodorant is in a sealed bag with a few T-shirts I pulled out of the laundry. I figured it would help preserve the familiar scent. But I can’t seem to let go of the toothbrush. There’s just something comforting about it being there.
His wallet still has $10 in it. I know that he won’t have an opportunity to spend it but I just didn’t want to take it. In typical Patrick style he didn’t carry a lot of cash. He probably wanted to be able to say he didn’t have cash to get me a Diet Pepsi! Lol. So I always made sure he had some in there.
And the clothes…I can’t imagine walking into my closet and not having them in there. I let several cousins and nephews pick out shirts to wear to the service and I let them keep them. This made it easier to let go. And we are planning to make quilts out of his t-shirts and flannels. I know why I am attached to those. He never willingly got rid of any t-shirt! You could find him in the yard on any given weekend in a stained t-shirt with some holes. He didn’t want to ruin any of his “good” shirts. The shirt he was wearing in the Blackbird video was a gift from my mom and I’m pretty sure we were not even married yet!! It also happened to be in the laundry basket so it’s in the sealed bag. I’m sure just about any of his friends or family could describe at least one of his shirts because he literally wore them over and over!
So I am finding other things to clear out, for now. Eventually it will be easier to let go of more but I know there is no timetable for this and even if there were, I don’t care, I’ll do it at my own pace. A little at a time. Grief is just not very good company. I let it visit occasionally since it’s the right thing to do. Then I think of something crazy Patrick did or said and grief vanishes for a while.