Guess what I have learned? You can’t wrap grief up in a nice little package and make it go away. This was a surprise to me because no one wants to talk about it. Death is a really uncomfortable subject so it is easier to just pretend that it is unpleasant but then you move on. I don’t see people walking around teary eyed months or years after they have lost someone so it must just be okay after a while. I hesitated writing this because I don’t want to make everyone sad. And I don’t want anyone responding telling me how sorry you are, I know that and it’s not the reason I am writing this
. Mourning used to last for a full year but that’s really depressing so somewhere along the way society decided that it was just better to move on as quickly as possible. The reality is that it is just not that simple.
Grief is really, really hard. I always thought that it would be difficult at first but that I would recover pretty quickly and move forward because that’s the way it works, right? I’ve watched more than one movie where someone has lost a spouse. There is a common scene where they are sitting watching a wedding video or some other movie of happier times. And they are inconsolable. Sometimes this scene is repeated a few times but eventually they recover and move on to whatever the point of the movie is. It’s all nice and neat. I have tried watching my wedding video. I really want to watch the whole, long, thing because we have lost a lot of people in the last year and I am pretty sure most of them are in the video. The video starts with a staged clip of Zio Angelo, Zia Becky, Angelino and Lucia walking in the front door of Sacred Heart (staged because we weren’t supposed to use that door). I can make it through the first part which is kind of like a music video (soundtrack is “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure) and I was able to watch it up to the first reading but I haven’t gotten past that. Watching it night after night? No thank you!
I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that Patrick is gone. What has really surprised me is that after almost 4 months my mind still plays games with me. Several times a day I seem to have a conversation with myself that goes like this: “He’s not really gone!” “Yes he is, remember INSERT ANY AWFUL MEMORY?” “Oh yeah, that DID happen”. I don’t know why but I just had no idea that it would be like this.
Most days I feel like I am making progress, I can pull myself up, start a project, go on a fun trip, etc. Then I do something simple like checking my email and I see an email from the US Mint advertising their latest commemorative coins. No big deal, right? WRONG!!! Patrick collected these. They were one of the few things on his Christmas list every year. The man wanted NOTHING so I loved buying these for him. He would actually get mad if I bought him too many presents. I’m typing this on the computer I bought him for Christmas and if you haven’t heard this story his response was “You bought me a laptop? Why on earth would you do such a thing?!!!”. As you probably know by now he did learn to love it and left us a lot of videos as a result.
I also have trouble walking down the beer aisle in stores. Personally I don’t like beer but we all know Patrick LOVED beer. And I knew just what he liked. There are always a lot of micro brewery IPAs in large bottles with really cool pictures and names. My favorite was Arrogant Bastard Pale Ale. “I bought this just for you…love you!” I always knew I would get a great smile if I came home with beer.
I know that I will never forget Patrick and there is no way to really “get over” this. I do think that as time goes on there will be more smiles and fewer tears. I’m sharing this because I want you to know that when someone is grieving it is a life long process. As I’ve said before, I choose to celebrate Patrick and the life he lived. If you see me don’t be afraid to bring this up. You can tell me you care. You can tell me funny stories. And if you’re grieving too, PLEASE share that with me, it’s good for both of us! I won’t mention names but that is directed at one person and they know who they are!
I love you all and I thank you for helping the girls and I through this and really the entire big huge family! Thank you for reading my blog as it helps me get through this!