The girls left for the beach today. I could have joined them tomorrow but I thought it would be good to have a short trial of being on my own. This will be the longest I have been alone since who knows when. I have another year with Camille but eventually I will push her out of the nest and watch her soar so I need to start preparing myself. I am very sad to say that I was nervous about the thought of Patrick and I being empty nesters. Next summer Sierra will be 21 so that would have been 21 years since we were just a couple. Would we drive each other crazy? The girls were the center of our lives for so long. Would it be hard to just be the two of us again?
Seriously? I really thought that? I would give anything for that to be my future right now.
Over the years we tried to take time away but we loved being a family so much that we rarely went away by ourselves. We had several great anniversary trips over the years: Madonna Inn, the Inn at Avila Beach, Kon Tiki Inn, Tenaya Lodge, Catalina, and Seattle for Damian and Suzanne’s wedding. So we did try to make time alone and we definitely had good times.
Right now I can’t even fathom living alone after Camille graduates. This was so NOT the plan. To say this is not how I expected things to turn out is such an understatement.
When I lost Patrick I also lost other unexpected things. I’ve heard these called secondary losses. The biggest one is just being a part of a couple. I mean everywhere you look there are couples! And they are usually doing annoying things like holding hands, smiling at each other, etc. I never realized that being part of a couple was such a big part of my identity but I feel the loss acutely.
I lost my companion, my occasional dinner date. I lost the person I discussed EVERYTHING with, the first person I would go to if I had a problem. I lost the father of my children, my co-parent. The kids are mostly grown but any decisions left to be made are squarely on my shoulders.
I lost the guy who knew everything about the yard, the pool and other household things. I lost my physical therapist and masseuse!!! I’m sure he would laugh about that one because it was NOT his favorite job! I know I drove him crazy but he took good care of me!
I also lost a walking encyclopedia of knowledge and memories. I don’t know how he remembered so many things but it was kind of nice because I didn’t have to. I can’t tell you how often I have needed information that only he has! And we still don’t know where the pipes and the beer journal went!!! And yeah, we all lost the clown, the source of so many smiles and laughter!
So now I am learning to be alone. I have a whole army of friends and family who want to protect me from being alone but at the end of the day I have to be able to do this. That’s the irony of this situation. Everyone wants to fix this and really no one can. Only time will ease the pain. I know I can do it and I promise I will survive but right now I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that he is gone.