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It’s not ever easy

This is very raw for me and I hesitated to post it but writing this down is actually very helpful for me. I slept like a baby after writing this last night. So, don’t click the link if it is too hard to read. 😉

August 6, 2016 – 2:30 AM

I try to stay positive as much as possible. I probably sound like a broken record when I say that he would want me to be happy. I say it a lot to remind myself but it’s not always easy. And I wonder how I will go on without him?

I went back to work this week and everything was the same as ever, except it’s not the same for me. As I went through emails I found myself looking at the date and time and thinking, “He was alive when this was sent” or just remembering the days and what I was doing.

On April 21st I did not leave the house. I kind of sat around in a numb shock waiting to figure out what to do next. As hard as the worst day of my life was I had no idea that the following days would each be a different kind of hard.

On Friday the 22nd there were 11 of us seated around a table making funeral arrangements. I don’t know how people would ever do that by themselves. Later that day an even larger group of family members met with the police.

Over the weekend there was much discussion and tears in deciding whether or not to see him. Everyone wanted to protect me but I knew I had to see him. Honestly there was no way anyone was going to stop me. I don’t think there are any words to describe seeing your dead husband when he has been ripped from your life so violently. He looked peaceful and he didn’t look like he had suffered too much but my legs went out from under me when I first saw him. I have so many pictures of him so this is just one small memory but I really need it because even now, 3 ½ months later I need to picture this to remind myself that this is real. Probably at least once a day it hits me, THIS REALLY HAPPENED. As inexplicable and crazy as it is, Patrick is gone. He won’t come walking through that door again.

The rosary and service turned out exactly like I wanted them to and it was great to see so many people turn out and know how much love was being shown for all of us. At the same time they were very hard days to get through. I guess I really thought that when we got through those days I would just magically find that everything got progressively easier. That did not happen…

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One needs to be the Clown

Patrick was always good with kids. I noticed this when we were dating and I always knew he would be a great father. He wasn’t as comfortable around babies and always said that he wouldn’t hold them until they could pass the “3 foot drop test”! Of course I always wanted to be a Mom and I knew it would be part of the “Happily Ever After” that I envisioned with Patrick.

Patrick and I dated for 6 years so I really didn’t expect any surprises when we did our Engaged Encounter weekend that was required by our church. As part of the weekend we each had a notebook. We were given sets of questions that we would answer individually and then we would meet and exchange notebooks. One of the questions was, “How many kids do you want and when?” I put two to three in 4 to 5 years. Patrick put NONE EVER. I pulled the priest over to discuss this because it was kind of a deal breaker for me and how in the heck did I date him for 6 years and miss this???!!!

Patrick admitted that he was afraid that he wouldn’t be a good parent. I imagine that he probably thought there was no way he could ever measure up to his parents because they are pretty awesome! I don’t know why he didn’t realize that they had already taught him everything he needed to know!

We talked with the priest and basically agreed that he would probably be ok with having kids eventually.

I need to clarify that the eulogy kind of made it sound like I tricked him into fatherhood, that was not the case. It did take a while to bring him around but our first child did arrive in 4 years as part of my master plan. Lol

As he warmed up to the prospect of being a father I remember him having a very serious discussion with me about the type of parents we would be. He said, “I think that in every family one parent needs to be the disciplinarian and one needs to be the clown.” I’m sure you can guess which one he planned to be!

By the time we made the decision to start a family he was 100% on board and never looked back. He still worried about the 3 foot drop test but when they handed Sierra to him that was completely forgotten. When we brought her home he got up with her during the night, changed her diaper, swaddled her like a pro and then brought her to me to nurse. Many women told me that this was not normal behavior but this was just the kind of husband and father that he was. He also bought a cookbook and made all of the baby food from scratch!

When I was pregnant with Camille he really wanted another daughter to dote on and his wish came true. When she was two months old I had to go on a business trip for 3 days. Many people asked if I was worried about him being on his own with the kids and that always made me laugh. He joked that it was easy because he had one less person to take care of and this was probably true! He had the parent thing down and I never worried!

Throughout their childhood I have to say the most important thing to us was just to love them and enjoy time with them. Neither one of us ended up being much of a disciplinarian and we were always surprised that they turned out okay in spite of this.

As they got older we had a lot of conversations where we talked about how amazing they were and how proud we were of them. He liked to say that he had no idea why they turned out so well because we were crappy parents! I agreed that we couldn’t take a lot of credit, lol!

He did fulfill his promise to be the clown and thank god the girls and I have many memories of that! I’m very grateful that he was around for most of their childhood. Next year will be particularly hard when Camille graduates from high school and Sierra graduates from CSULB. I know he would be so proud! I cried when I heard how well Camille had done on a recent test. I remarked to Barbara that he would be so proud and she reminded me, “He knows”.

So I will keep that in mind as I keep trying to move forward. I am 100% confident that he wants us to be happy and have a good life. I’m trying really hard to keep the humor alive and luckily the “clown” taught his daughters all his tricks so there are a lot of smiles and laughter around here!