The Worst Day of My Life – 4/20/16 – My Life After Patrick

I have posted this several times but I wanted to transfer it to my new site and I have added a bit to it. I know that it is hard to read so I didn’t want to post it on the anniversary. No one ever knows what to do or say when a tragedy strikes. I hear that all the time! This is the story of the messages I received that were exactly what I needed at that point. I really think that reading all of these and realizing how much support I had made me realize that I could survive this horrible day. I love my people!

8/2/16

I have been wanting to write this for a while. This day was definitely the worst day of my life but it was also a day that I was surrounded by love and that is why I want to share it. I am sharing it without specifically asking for permission so I apologize in advance if anyone objects to me sharing their messages. They all meant so much to me but I am happy to remove them if necessary. This was just day one of the messages so I will post more later. There were also a lot of Facebook posts and I think I will include them separately.

Patrick was very dedicated to staying physically fit. He would be the first one to tell you that he didn’t particularly love working out but he did it anyway. When he graduated from PT School he gave the graduation speech and it was about the importance of staying physically fit. I am hoping that someday I will find a copy of that speech! He did some type of workout almost every day of the week and he frequently did more than one. Each weekday morning he would either run, lift weights in the garage, or ride his bike out Shaw to Quail Lakes, do a lap or two and then return home. I am not much of a morning person so it was not uncommon for me to sleep through his entire workout. He would usually wake up at 5:30 AM and finish by 6:45 AM at the latest.

On Wednesday, April 20, 2016 I woke up at 6:30 AM because I had a conference call at 7:00 AM. I wasn’t immediately alarmed and was busy getting my computer started and preparing for my call. As it got closer to 7:00 AM I asked Camille to check in the garage to see if he was riding his bike that day. She reported back that it was gone. I dialed into my call thinking that maybe he was going into work late. Camille attempted to call him and there was no answer. At around 7:10 AM I decided that he probably had a flat or something so I excused myself from the call and drove to look for him. I wasn’t completely sure if he would take Locan or DeWolf to Shaw so I just picked Locan. When I got to Shaw and DeWolf I do remember seeing a fire truck going the other way with its lights off and I think I took that as a good sign.

At Shaw and Leonard the road was closed. I think there was some kind of barricade so it looked like it could be construction related. I didn’t see any emergency vehicles but there were cars parked on both sides of the street. I parked on Leonard and walked to the intersection. There was a community service officer there and I asked her if she knew what had happened and she said no. I explained that my husband had not come home from his bicycle ride and this is the route he would have taken. She then said, “It was a motorcycle, like vroom, vroom” so I thanked her and walked back to my car. As I was leaving I started to realize that the facts were not adding up. I decided to try to get closer so I drove to Barstow and turned right. I suddenly realized that I should probably just get back home to Camille. This was a very strong feeling but I also had a sense of calm. I now believe that Patrick was protecting me. I didn’t need to be at the accident scene.

I decided to call my nephew, Nick, who had recently joined Clovis PD. My voice wavered a little as I told him his uncle was missing. He was off duty but said he would make some calls. As I drove home I listened to the traffic report but nothing was mentioned. Nick called back to tell me that there was a bicycle involved in the accident but the rider had no ID. I told him that would be my husband since he refused to wear his road ID that I bought him. He also asked what the bike looked like. I told him it was black and very old. I sent him the only picture I had, with a toothbrush stuck in the spokes! I told him he was more than likely wearing beat up shoes and black shorts and possibly a red shirt. He hung up about the same time I got home. As I walked through the door I got a breaking news alert that told me Shaw was closed due to a fatal accident. And I knew.

Thank god Camille was still home. I just told her that there had been an accident and Nick was getting more information. We waited a few more minutes and I realized that I needed to start calling people. I called Denise and asked her to call the others.

The rest of the day is somewhat of a blur so I am recreating it through text conversations, instant messages and what I remember. SO many people came by and I don’t think I will remember them all. If I miss your name please let me know and I will add you later. Denny, Alyssa, Shayna and Katie Boyles. Yolanda Boyles, Shelly, Dave, Morgan & Abby Cruce, Lisa Walthall, Kimberly Burns, Cathy, Mike and Matt Lamb, Hope Lemons, Gabe, Jenn, Caitlin, Dominic and Anthony teNyenhuis, Barbara and Andre teNyenhuis, Matt, Tina, Ella, Andrew and Olivia teNyenhuis. Jeff & Dina Young, Desmond teNyenhuis, Mikel & Melissa Boyles, Nick & Amanda, Dustin Campbell & Jenna Aluisi, Wes Campbell, Denise Campbell, Connor Haubursin, Oly Ybarra, Diana Durham, my mom, Diane Smith, my dad and mom, Dennis & Kandra Boyles, Carlo Prandini, Barry Jager, Dyia, Dave and Peyton Kwalwasser, Cherie & Mikaela Kirk, Cristel & Tiffany Tufenkjian, Angela and Mia Castillo, Linda, Craig, Julia and Caroline Crews, Nimrat Brar, Syncere Coleman, Hannah Fong, Tess Amundsen, Danielle Cedillo, Debbie, Taylor & Tory Solley, Sydney Andriese, Lisa Boyles & Randy Bell, Mike & Dawn Kuhl, Virla & Casie Boyles, Josh, Corina & Jamesen Marzette, Erin & Olivia Haagenson, Gene Haagenson (invited by me as the only reporter I would speak to), Katelyn Bach, Alexis Ehrlich & Connor Medina, Phillip Weathers, Becky Brown, Nick Hauck, Joe Reinartz, Donna Christiansen, Ken & Jeanne Christiansen, Anne & Stephen Anderson, Sr, Candace and Stephen Anderson, Jr. Seriously, ALL of these people came to my house and many of them came every day for a while. We were not alone.

Timeline

7:29 AM – First call to Nick

7:39 AM – Nick called back

7:53 AM – Texted my boss, Janet Spear

8:05 AM – Nick called me back to ask for more information.

8:11 AM – Sent Nick a picture of the bike to share with police. You might notice that there is a toothbrush in the spokes. Patrick went for a bike ride a few months prior and that was there when he returned home. We thought it was hilarious and I posted the picture on Facebook. Little did I know that it would be used to identify his bike.

8:12 AM – I texted my oldest sister Denise and then she called me. We talked on and off until we decided she should leave to pick up Sierra. I knew I didn’t have to contact anyone else because she would.

8:13 AM – Call with Denise – 2 minutes

8:17 AM – Call with Denise – 3 minutes

8:18 AM – Texted my friends at work.

8:24 AM – Call with Denise 1 minute

8:25 AM – Called Matt, Patrick’s younger brother

8:27 AM – Matt called me back and we talked briefly

8:28 AM – Called Lisa Walthall and she called me back 1 minute later

8:28 AM – Realizing this was serious enough to bother my best friend, Cathy Lamb, at work I texted her. I was also beginning to lose it a bit at this point.

8:31 AM – Called SJVR Clovis – Could barely talk and Jennifer agreed to contact Kevin, Patrick’s boss

8:33 AM – Call from Denise – 2 min

8:34 AM – Call from Kevin, Patrick’s boss 4 min

8:42 AM – Call from Cathy telling me she was coming over

8:43 AM – Call from Denise – 3 minutes

I’m not sure what time people started arriving but it was around this time. Denny and his girls were the first to arrive. No one knew what to do so I started cleaning and they all helped.

8:46 AM – Denise calls Sierra – 1 min call She told her that she needed to come get her and bring her home and that she needed to pack a bag. Sierra did not ask any questions, she did not text or call anyone. This is somewhat of a miracle as Sierra usually texts me frequently. I believe that Patrick was also watching over her so that she would not get the news until Denise was there with her. It took Denise about 1 ½ hours to get to Sierra and then another 3-4 hours to get home. She called me when she got to Sierra’s apartment and kept me on the phone to talk to Sierra. For some reason I can’t find the exact time of the call but I think it was around the time we had official notification. Telling Sierra was the absolute worst part of the day for me. Camille and I had time to absorb it slowly and we were together the whole time. For Sierra it was sudden and shocking and my heart broke as she said, “What? No, no, no, why?” and sobbed. I questioned whether it was the right thing to do but I didn’t want her spending 4 hours in the car, not knowing what she was coming home to. I am so grateful that Denise was there to get her for me. I’m sure it was also the hardest thing she has ever done.

8:46 AM – Text to Dina, Patrick’s sister. She lives in Shaver. She had been planning to stop by that morning to pick something up so I knew she was already in town.

9:00 AM – Text from Matt

9:02 AM – Called my sister-in-law Jennifer to contact Patrick’s brother Gabe. He is a teacher at Camille’s school and I knew that Jenn would know the quickest way to reach him.

9:03 AM – Jenn called back. I had forgotten that she was in Phoenix to pick up my niece Caitlin who was moving back home. They had to drive all the way home after hearing this news. L

9:19 AM – Call from Nick – 1 min

9:40 AM – Text from my cousin Wendy in Oregon. She is the daughter of my mom’s sister Joni.

9:42 AM – Called Aunt Joni – 3 minutes

9:46 AM – Call from Kevin at SJVR – 3 minutes

9:57 AM – Message from Dyia Kwalwasser, good friend and the mother of Camille’s close friend Peyton

10:06 AM – Text from Misty Hessling, one of my close friends at work.

10:16 AM – Text from Linda Crews, good friend and mother of one of Camille’s close friends, Julia.

10:17 AM – call from Tom & Dawan – They were in Europe on a business trip for Tom. This was very hard for all of us as we are extremely close.

10:22 AM – Text from Jasmine Peebles, one of my fellow PSLs at Aetna

10:58 AM – Text from Cherie Kirk, good friend and the mother of Camille’s friend, Mikaela

11:03 AM – Rcvd text from Kim Meynig – She has been a babysitter/nanny for various kids in my family since Sierra was 6 weeks old.

I’m not sure of the exact time but at some point during the morning my brother-in-law Wes arrived. I lived with he and Denise a few times during college when they were married. He co-signed for my first car and was like a second father to me. It took my Dad several hours to get to my house and I was so happy to see Wes. At times like this you don’t even know who you need and when they show up before you think about it you are so grateful.

All morning long I could tell there was discussion and calls taking place regarding identification of Patrick and official confirmation. I didn’t ask a lot of questions because at that point I really didn’t want to rush the inevitable. This is another part that I am not 100% clear on the details and I haven’t had a chance to ask anyone but my understanding is that when an accident occurs near a Clovis Unified school, district police also respond. CUSD knew about the accident since they had a student and an employee who were family members. I’m not sure if it is normal for district administrators to be on the scene but in this case the Deputy Superintendent, Carlo Prandini and an Associate Superintendent, Barry Jager, were there. Carlo was one of my high school track and cross-country coaches and is basically the reason I met Patrick. I met Patrick when we both worked for Carlo’s brother, John Prandini. Carlo and John are Patrick’s cousins. Barry is a close friend of Gabe teNyenhuis and Patrick ran a marathon with them. The police did not let my nephew go to the scene to identify Patrick but somehow Carlo ended up there and he identified him. This had to be incredibly hard for him but I am eternally grateful that he did. When he arrived and told me I knew that there was no doubt. I thought I was prepared but then he handed me a baggie with Patrick’s watch and wedding band and suddenly it was REAL. I just walked away and went inside and found Camille and gathered Patrick’s family. A chaplain was with Carlo and Barry and he came in and answered questions to the best of his ability. He also prayed with us. I think at this point he told us that there was some suspicion that the driver was impaired but I honestly don’t remember any of that. After he left I talked to Gabe, Dina, Matt and Mom and Pop. I told them that I knew Patrick did not like funerals and probably wanted to be cremated or buried in a cardboard box but that this would be really hard for me. We all agreed that the funeral was for us and we thought he would forgive us. I have always said that the greatest gift he ever gave me was his family (and I’m just going to include my girls as part of that gift). This has never been more evident than it was during this whole difficult, awful, process. I don’t know how people do this without family. I have been very blessed to have two very large families to surround me with love.

11:12 AM – Cathy called Kevin to notify him for me

11:24 AM – Text from my dear friend and adopted cousin Dawn Kuhl. Her husband Mike was the bass player for the Steam Donkeys

11:26 AM – Text from Dawn Vizzolini, good friend and also the mother of Camille’s close friend Logan. Really, Camille’s second family.

11:28 AM – Text from Erin Haagenson, the mother of one of Sierra’s closest friends, Olivia.

11:30 – Text from Olivia Haagenson, Sierra’s good friend since 2nd grade, college roommate, etc

11:30 AM – Message from Crystal Stupay, a friend and former coworker at Aetna who lost her husband suddenly two years ago.

11:32 – Call from Mom

11:42 AM – Text from Linda Crews – picture of all of Camille’s friends at school meeting with psychologist and sending Camille love. By the end of the day most of these kids and probably more were at my house, crammed into Camille’s room and I could hear laughter.

11:44 AM – Text from Karri Priddy – a coworker and good friend

11:48 AM – Text from Jill Holstein, Lisa Boyles’ sister-in-law

11:55 AM – Message from Mark Dorman, Lisa Boyles’ brother

12:12 PM – Message from Trina Book – a friend from Aetna and fellow TNT team member.

12:45 – Message from Stephen Anderson, JR, cousin of Patrick’s. His sister Barbara died suddenly just weeks before Patrick.

1:14 PM – Text to Olga Joplin. Olga was a coworker of Patrick’s at the VA and kept in touch with him after he left. Olga and I have also cycled together. I knew she would be deeply affected and I didn’t want her to hear about this on the news.

1:22 PM – Message from Marie Meadows, Patrick’s cousin

1:26 PM – Text from Kim Burns, coworker, friend and cycling buddy. She had already been at my house and took care of shutting my work computer down, changing my voice mail, etc.

2:48 PM – Message from Maria, one of my customers.

3:07 PM – Message from Lea Lancaster, my friend since high school. She also took many awesome pictures of my babies.

3:21 PM – Message from Susan Gill, Patrick’s boss at the VA, his first job out of PT school.

3:30 PM – Text from Erin Garcia, one of my fellow PSLs

3:40 PM – Message from Mary Prandini Floyd, Patrick’s cousin

3:46 PM – Message from Tawnie Southard, a good friend and the mother of Sierra’s close friend, Katelyn Bach. Tawnie also wrote a very touching blog post that didn’t mention us by name. It is on the memorial site and I have also copied it below.

Lost too soon

TAWNIE SOUTHARD·WEDNESDAY, 20 APRIL 2016

It is rare for me to look at a marriage or a family and feel “envy” if that’s the right word to use. Usually I look at marriages and I feel content being single – not that I don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage, not that I’m jaded toward love and marriage and commitment, but I just so often see couples go through the motions or spending so much time and effort playing games or arguing or lying and hiding things and I think to myself – it’s not worth the headache and hassle – I don’t want that in my life. But about 13 years ago my youngest daughter became friends with a little girl and I had the privilege over these years of knowing her family. And this family, is one that I have envied. The parents appeared to have a strong marriage and were so involved in their children’s lives and it showed – their beautiful daughters blossomed and grew up to be very strong, independent, successful young ladies – excelling in school and sports and just life in. I was “envious” – I wished I had been able to create that foundation for my daughters – I wished I had a partner like they had each found. It wasn’t an envy where I felt jealous in an ugly way, but rather a “awe, see if I can’t have that, I’ll be single”. Today, that family was fractured – in the blink of an eye the head of that household lost his life in a tragic accident and that family unit is forever changed. My envy has changed to a deep sadness for this family because I know what it is to lose someone you love way too soon. My youngest daughter has grown up with this family for 13 years – she called me today crying – heart-broken – knowing her best friend’s family was forever changed. As she choked back tears my heart also broke – for his sudden loss and the recognition we are the same age and this is too young to die – for his wife who would grow old without him – for his daughters who would look out into a crowd on their graduation days from college and not see his face. This was a beautiful family – an enviable family – a family who touched the lives of many – including me and my daughter – and this man will be missed by many!!! And out of respect for his family, I will not mention is his name – this news isn’t mine to spread, but I wanted to mention the impact his family had on me and the loss my family feels. And remind you all – tell your family members you love them – because tomorrow is not promised. And to his family, my deepest, deepest sympathies! My thoughts and prayers are with you! God bless you and keep you safe and comforted until you see him again one day – and you will!

4:43 PM – Message to Tom Guarnera, Patrick’s high school classmate and good friend to both of us.

5:33 PM – Message from Kendra Smith, friend and former coworker

5:33 PM – Message from Charlene Graham

5:35 PM – Message from my cousin Kelly

6:08 PM – Text from my good friend Oly, she was at my house earlier in the day.

6:14 PM – Message from Tim Clark, my friend and former Team in Training cycling coach.

6:30 PM – Message from Lisa Crouch, another soccer mom from Camille’s early soccer years.

6:56 PM – Message from Michelle Daggett – coworker at Aetna

7:13 PM – Text from Rebecca Anderson, friend and coworker at Aetna

7:16 PM – Message from my cousin Holly

7:27 PM – Text from Vickie Duarte, a friend/coach/mentor from Team in Training who is also close to my brother Denny.

7:37 PM – Message from Dar Webster Joneson, a former Aetna coworker.

8:08 PM – Message from Tiffany Crayton, a close family friend

8:27 PM – Message from Donna Mayes-Lutjens, a friend of mine from high school

9:37 PM – Message from Scott and Diane Mooneyham, Patrick and I worked with Scott. I was pregnant with Sierra when Diane was pregnant with their twins.