I have experienced loss in my life. I’ve lost all of my grandparents, my Aunt Terry, my Uncle Joe and my nephew Max who only lived for a few minutes. On Patrick’s side we lost Zia Sue, Nona, Opa and Elsie, Danielle, Ryan, Zia Jan, Zia Glenda, Tony, Barbara and Zio Angelo. Some of these were sudden and tragic and they all affected me profoundly. So I thought I understood grief pretty well… until I lost Patrick.
I wanted to share my experience so far in the hopes that it might help people when they interact with someone who has experienced loss.
What I have learned is that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. I have also learned that the majority of people do not have any idea what to do or say when something like this happens. So here are my thoughts:
Patrick is gone. I know this. Sometimes my brain tries to play tricks on me but I know he is not coming back. We were together for 30 years so he is on my mind every day. I will not be upset if you mention him. In fact, it’s really awkward and almost painful when you don’t mention him. So please keep him alive in our conversations.
I realize that I am not the only person grieving. I want everyone to know that it is okay to share your grief with me. You are not going to upset me. This may not be true for every person who experiences this kind of loss but it is true for me.
If I shared all of my grief with you it might scare you. I think grief is intensely personal but it is also necessary. Some of my “best” days have been the days when I sobbed uncontrollably or even screamed. I have found that it is nice to drive alone and just sob or scream! You have to make sure there are no other cars nearby so they won’t think you are a crazy person but I highly recommend it! I feel this is healthy so please don’t freak out when I’m upset. The only way forward is through the grief so every time I am really sad I am taking a small step forward.
This is not an easy process. Since I feel my grief is personal I tend to share my happier thoughts. That does not mean this is not a struggle. I have met many new people as a result of Patrick’s death. Some of them are also sadly members of this widows club that no one wants to join so this is kind of a message to them. This is how I am getting through this but there’s no “right” way. If someone needs to share their pain that is fine too. On the inside we are all aching.
Grief is like a chameleon. Sometimes it blends into the background and you never quite expect to see it. Other times it pops into view when you least expect it. Don’t be surprised if I burst into tears for no apparent reason. And if I’m happy it doesn’t mean I have forgotten, I’m just trying to get through. And I feel this is exactly what he would want me to do.